Written by Greatk
I just finished my first week as a senior at SDSU, and now all the useful tips are coming back. Freshman, pay attention. I learned all these the hard way. Here they are, in no particular order:
1. NEVER buy your books until you absolutely need to. $500 to buy all of your school books per semester is extortion. Borrow or steal if necessary. Some professors even list their books but never use them.
2. Don’t expect to get the full amount you paid for your books. Realistically, expect about a third of it back. Try not to cry.
3. Use the library whenevery possible. It’s free and you can get your books there. Plus, the lesser used cloisters make for an excellent place to have sex.
4. If they’re handing out condoms on campus, pick up as many as possible. These things are expensive if you pay retail, but Planned Parenthood gives them out for free. You don’t have to use them all at once, you could even save a few for Christmas presents or a waterballoon fight.
5. If you live in the dorms, STAY AS HEALTHY AS POSSIBLE. Come finals week, you will understand why. This includes but is not limited to: using shower sandals, getting vaccinated, eating healthy, practicing safe sex, and hermetically sealing yourself off from your neighbors.
6. If you want good grades, sit up front. If you’re tired of hearing your professor’s bullshit, sit in the back and try to fall asleep.
7. Earplugs are useful, especially if you have a roommate or said professors.
8. Learning by osmosis does not work.
9. Avoid classes before 9am AT ALL COSTS. Even if you live in the dorms, these classes will sap your energy for the rest of the day.
10. Wear dark sunglasses to oggle your more attractive students. Museum rules apply here: look but don’t touch.
11. When clubbing in Mexico, drinking in Mexico, attending strip clubs in Mexico, the following things are mandatory: Plenty of dollar bills (the $ is as good as gold there), bottle openers, cigarette lighters, comfortable shoes, and US passport.
12. If visiting said country, learn how to negotiate and communicate in Spanish, or bring along a friend who does. This is necessary for ordering food, bartering goods and services, and other things.
13. Never skip on paying a cab fare in Mexico. I saw this happen and La Polic?a weren’t too happy about it.
14. Never let your friends hang off your car drunk.
15. Don’t let La Polic?a see your drunk friends in a rented car across international lines.
16. If #15 happens, try to explain to La Polic?a why you don’t have the special ‘insurance’ and try to stall until your Spanish friend can come bail you out.
17. Advise your drunk friends to stay in the car while #16 goes on, otherwise they will be shot. I’m serious.
18. If you think someone likes you, spend more than a few days trying to get to know them before sleeping with them.
19. Try to sleep at their place.
20. If it turns out to be a one night stand, try not to take it too hard. It’s better to move on in the long run.
21. The popular group from high school made it into college too. They’re called fraternities and sororities.
21. Avoid frat guys and sorostitutes like the plague.
22. Try not to feel too angry about how some students have their parents pay for everything in their life while you work hard to apply for scholarships you won’t get.
23. Take a part time job you might like. They’re hard to find, but they’re out there.
24. General Education requirements are a fact of life. Even though they’re useless and do not apply to your major, they’re usually very easy, so don’t blow them off. The good grades in these classes with save your GPA later on in college life.
25. Upper division classes are more difficult. Try not to take them all at once, unless you hate sleep.
26. Sleep is our friend
27. Calculus was made by the devil to confuse and anger all students.
28. The following majors are doomed to poverty: English, Psychology, undeclared, Spanish, Art, Art history, theater, monkey physics, witch hunter, philosophy.
29. The following majors have a decent chance of becoming successful while not even finishing college: Business, Business administration, International business (travel required), accounting, gold-digging, prostitution (women only), sycophant, political science.
30. Statistics is not really a type of math, just a good way to guess.
31. If you have the opportunity to study abroad, do so. Might I recommend Europe? Avoid the Middle East if possible.
32. Studying abroad is expensive. Save all the money you can.
33. When buying concert tickets to a large event, never buy them online from e-bay. Instead, buy them from a scalper the day of the concert.
34. Protect your computer, cell phone, and ipod at all costs. These things are you’re lifelines. College students can only live 36 hours without all 3.
35. Protect you car stereo if you live in a bad neighborhood.
36. Facebook is a critical instrument in college.
37. Things change at home while you’re away at college.
38. You can’t go home again.
39. Figure out who you are, what you want out of life, and identify your beliefs while in college.
40. If you insist on staying in college for more than 4 years, enjoy them while you can.
If I think of any more, I’ll add them on. Or feel free to add on your own tips for those just getting started in life.
condom for waterbaloon fight.. that’s nice…
It’s been 15 years since college for me, but I must say your list is very, very accurate and should be given to EACH freshman at orientation.
Please note that * (asterisks) denoting “of the utmost importance” should follow numbers: 8, 21, 26, 30, 34, and 38.
This line:
21. Avoid frat guys and sorostitutes like the plague.
(should be bolded!)
Beautiful…and I agree with the previous commenter, #21 is definitely best!
oh i almost forgot. don’t give too many blowjobs in your first week in the dorms. too many people will come to expect the greatness.
Well, it sounds like I have more fun.
i completely disagree with #21 as a sorority sister. we arent all bad! better hint-check out sororities and frats and get to know sisters/brothers before deciding to join.
and a lot of this list, as funny as some of it is, will probably scare freshmen, not help.
men can be prostitutes…
The Health Center is your best friend.
hazing is idiotic, avoid joining groups that require it…at least with boot camp, you’re joining for a real cause, and getting paid to get in shape, it’s not cool to be judged and tricked, and pranked on for any amount of time….bonding and finding friends is hard to do, esp. if you’re new, but don’t worry, you will find friends and you don’t have to do it by feeling low about yourself by someone else, hazing activities only make for grudges and stupid conversations….your really good friends will be with you through good and bad times, but don’t expect to find them after you’ve both been tricked into eating a plate ful of cookies that was mandatory to eat made with laxatives….if they have to haze you get in, it’s probably not worth the time
“i completely disagree with #21 as a sorority sister. we arent all bad! better hint-check out sororities and frats and get to know sisters/brothers before deciding to join.
and a lot of this list, as funny as some of it is, will probably scare freshmen, not help.”
That is exactly what a sorority sister would say… But ignore her because they are all crazy and/or annoying and/or mean.
ah ignorance is bliss… sure some sorority girls are sluts and some frats do haze, avoid these, but I love how you claim knowledge when all you have is ignorance and a media portrayed view of the greek system. Well you’ll never know what your missing out on. Go ahead joke, but your snap judgments and preconceived notions will get you nowhere.
ooo i think you all got pwnd by frat boy. Wait, how may us presidents are greek? 17? Vice presidents? 8? pwn? OO and look at this “Best Fraternities For Future CEOs” by Forbes “After all, about a quarter of all chief executives on the Forbes Super 500 list of America’s largest corporations were members of college fraternities.”
http://www.forbes.com/2003/01/31/cx_dd_0131frat.html
pwn, maybe? So yeah listen to 21. You’ll go far!
o wait there’s more ” they also have spawned 48% of all U.S. presidents, 42% of U.S. senators, 30% of U.S. congressmen, and 40% of U.S. Supreme Court justices,” Triple PWN
here’s one I need to learn:
Your Art lecturer has a class of like a hundred students and weekly papers.
Don’t worry too much about quality, he’s probably not even reading them.
so A… your saying that if your in a frat then you will be a politician or a rich asshole? ill take my chances and not join a frat
No, you don’t have free will? If you join a frat you must either be a politician or a rich asshole? Fraternities just seem to allow you pursue a political career if you so wish, or enable you more so to become successful. Are you claiming that all rich people are assholes? How narrow minded of you Jon. Perhaps its something about the Greek system that seems to develop people, but I guess you’ll never know that either, Jon. Or maybe its a hint to the extent of the corruption in the US government. Oh I know, some of the fraternities boys in the states are assholes, but to generalize this to all of them is simply ignorant.
Here, here! 21 is spot on.
This one time I saw this frat dude and I was all like “OMG I wish my hair was as bleached out and awesome like that!” But then I realized I was being sarcastic and went on my way.
#29 forgot “Engineering”
#32a should be: “Do it. There’s no other time in your life you can live in another country as easily as in college for so cheap and take crap classes that the grades don’t matter. Do it, no matter the cost.”
don’t buy or sell back books at the bookstore. buy and sell them online. you will save lots of money.
dude u r cent percent right….
awesome…
โAfter all, about a quarter of all chief executives on the Forbes Super 500 list of Americaโs largest corporations were members of college fraternities.โ
So that means that three quarters WEREN’T members of fraternities.
โ they also have spawned 48% of all U.S. presidents, 42% of U.S. senators, 30% of U.S. congressmen, and 40% of U.S. Supreme Court justices,โ
Unless those figures are over 50%, it’s not a “triple pwn.” Well, maybe the U.S. presidents one is, but the others – nah. Try learning maths.
“Calculus was made by the devil to confuse and anger all students.” Hmmm looks like someone shouldn’t have tried going to college in the first place.
“The following majors have a decent chance of becoming successful while not even finishing college…” you make no mention of computer science. Wow. Man, you’re clueless.
As far as fraternities (notice I’m not speaking of sororities) go, I’d say rush, but don’t join unless you find a fraternity that you feel at home at. Mine doesn’t haze, we have a chef, a nice house, and political pull on campus through IFC. Greeks do get good treatment, and sometimes manage not to be assholes about it. It’s sort of a social scene apart from the rest of campus, which lots of other people don’t see or don’t notice unless it’s something bad. You hear a lot about drunk fratboys or slutty sorostitutes, but if you put together the Greeks’ philanthropies, it adds up to a lot that we don’t get much credit for.
dude… you’re a douche. What a f**** moron.
Heh, ironic that I stumbled upon this (and A’s comments especially) just after stumbling upon this..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect
otherwise, love the list. ๐
Hazing is NOT required and I can say this as a proud sister of the oldest sorority in the world. Your ignorance and jealousy is pitiful.
College Taught me very useful things like never buy your books until you absolutely need to… We really enjoyed our college days.. I am missing my college days very much !!!
Cheap holidays Benidorm