Written by Christian

Image by borghetti

Men are widely known for their straight talking and tell-it-like-it-is attitude. But sometimes, us gentlemen say things that we really do not mean. Things that more often than not, get us into trouble. It’s written into our DNA. We have to protect our manliness at all costs. If it means bragging about scoring with a porn star you met at a strip club – then so be it. We never reveal the truth that we were actually escorted from the premises for trying to ‘fondle’ said porn star! So what common things do we say and not mean? Let’s investigate.

15. I want to learn a new language. Do we really want to learn a new language? The majority of people struggle to perfect the Queen’s English and the advent of social media sites such as Facecrap has only made it worse. You’re not going to become the voice of your generation simply because you’re talking Italian!

14. “Let’s put the tip in, just for a second to see what it feels like.” As if! This is standard practice for deflowering women the world over. There was never going to come a point when we said, “Right okay, that’s not working for me. I’ll just pull it out and put my clothes back on.”

13. “I’m only having one drink tonight, lads.” Men are genetically incapable of having just one drink at the pub! One pint quickly progresses into karaoke madness, arm-wrestling competitions, a quick fumble in the toilet with the porky barmaid we swore we’d never touch and ends with us declaring our undying love to our best mate!

12. “It’s not you, it’s me.” This is the biggest lie ever uttered by man. Even women have got in on the act and are now using it as a way to dump us! The truth is – it is you but I don’t want to hurt your feelings. You’re too fat, crap in bed, you moan all the time, your friends are hotter and you smell really bad.

11. “Yeah, Dog Day Afternoon is a masterpiece of directing.” This doesn’t particularly apply to Dog Day Afternoon, but any movie that comes up in discussion down the pub that you haven’t seen! We try to blag our way through the conversation despite knowing nothing about the film, the cast, the plot or even what constitutes a masterpiece of directing!

10. “We need to catch up soon over a pint.” Don’t you just hate bumping into that annoying twat from school who was the sports star, ladies man and all around nice guy! The only way to get rid of him short of a shotgun is to agree to meet up soon. Preferably, when hell freezes over.

9. “Your new girlfriend is lovely mate. Really nice.” Well, what else can you say? “I know you’re lonely since the love of your life dumped you for her yoga instructor, but you need to set your standards a little higher than a woman with more facial hair than ZZ Top!”

8. “Give me the hottest curry on the menu. NOW!” In a desperate bid to show our manliness, we try to convince ourselves that shoving a vindaloo down our throats is the best way to establish our male dominance. In reality, we’re crying on the inside!

7. “I’m rethinking my career choices.” Every now and again we get a little jaded with our worklife and decide to research the possibility of joining an Alaskan crab-fishing crew. Obviously, we get bored quickly and check to see if anyone posted a comment on our zany “Get Me Out Of This Office” blog.

6. “Keep that up and I’ll phone the police.” We know we won’t call the police. We’d have to repeat the post code ten times to the operator, have to let the fuzz into our home to ask us questions and then watch as they drive away – never to hear from them again. Besides, chavs measure their success through ASBO’s so really, what’s the point?

5. “I’ll pay you back mate, I promise.” To be fair, this is half true. We will, eventually, pay you back. Once we’ve paid off our 50? LCD-HD telly, our yearly subscription to The Adult Channel, our gym membership and our brand-new Audi S3.

4. “Of course I’m listening to you, dear.” This is usually followed by a few caveman grunts and a nod or two. We’re not really listening but we are paying just enough attention to not get caught watching the football while you describe, in excruciating detail, everything that happened to you today.

3. “I’m not like other guys. I don’t kiss and tell.” This is a loop-hole in the dating system that men have exploited for years. Technically, we don’t kiss and tell. When we’re bragging to our mates about shagging you in the back of the car, the last thing we’d ever want to tell them about is the kissing!

2. “She’s just a friend.” Yeah, she’s just a really hot, big bosomed, nymphomaniac friend. Who are you trying to kid, chief?

1. “Oi! You and me, outside, right now!” In a desperate attempt to solidify our dominance in the presence of another alpha-male we try to bluff our way out of it by calling them out! For the love of God, why?? Chances are he’s going to answer your bluff with one of his own. The best you can hope for is that you’re both regretting your decision and when you get face to face, you have a bit of a shout, a few shoves and maybe beat your chest in that ever-so manly way before your mates mercifully pull you away!

What’s missing then gents (and ladies)? Drop a message in the comments and we’ll add them in.