Written by BY ADAM PENENBERG
Web reviews from online everymen are either low-hanging fruit for DIY marketers, the best thing to ever happen to e-shopping, or bait for angry cheapskates. But good or bad, they’re often an unexpected source for entertainment. Here are some of the best.
Like many webheads, I rely on the kindness and cruelty of virtual strangers who write reviews of practically everything sold online. They may not posses specialized knowledge of the stuff they critique. They may be hopped up on unreal expectations or may only have spent money on something because they got it half-off from Groupon. But they’re also just regular users like me. For better or worse they’ve democratized consumer reports, but they’ve also made reviews entertaining as hell.
Nowhere has funnier reviews than Amazon, the world’s largest online retailer. In part, it’s due to the absurd array of products you can buy–from a Star Wars jacket to a toy airport security checkpoint for children to a rubberized testicular exam model, Snooki’s book, and even uranium ore. It’s served as inspiration for scads of reviewers, who have elevated product criticism into a crowd-sourced art form.
Here are some favorites:
Life Completely Changed rated the jacket 5 stars and Amazon singled his out as being “the most helpful favorable review:” “I used to be an unemployed movie theater usher but that all changed when I bought this jacket. Now I’m an unemployed movie theater usher with one of these jackets.” Fred also gave it 5 stars, calling it a “Brilliant Product!” “I was actually given this jacket as a present after having destroyed a death star. I have found that it has given me miraculous powers that i couldn’t have dreamed of! I am able to move objects and even people just by thinking about it! Great for doing chores around the house!”
Justin T. Schmidt “DataScream” from Bryan, OH, panned it, noting that it “does not come with pocket protector, or spare dignity … If you’re a whiny, blond, teenage farmer, this jacket is for you. However you’ll be forever banished to the ‘friend zone’ by every girl you see, or worse, the ‘brother zone.’ But you’ll always have Yavin!”
And the winner is…
The product description from the manufacturer says, “The woman traveler stops by the security checkpoint. After placing her luggage on the screening machine, the airport employee checks her baggage. The traveler hands her spare change and watch to the security guard and proceeds through the metal detector. With no time to spare, she picks up her luggage and hurries to board her flight!”
Here’s what reviewers said:
M. McKnight gave it 3 stars, noting, “This toy would be a lot more realistic with about 350 people standing in line for an average of an hour. It still makes a nice set with the interrogation room.”
Gwen P. of Douglassville, PA, rated it 5 stars: “What better way to teach the next generation how to behave in a police state then with a toy such as this? … Think of all the fun the little folks can have waterboarding those who “hate our freedom.”
Others suggested additional accessories such as “tiny sets of latex gloves for the security guards” and a matching Guantanamo Bay playset, although to be fair Amazon does sell a toy plastic prison cell as an extension to the Playmobil Police Station. (Really!)
And the winner is …
Nomma de Pluma “Mofo” rates A Shore Thing 5 stars: “Snooki’s debut novel is an oeuvre d’art, one that outshines all of the former greats such as Shakespeare, Melville, Austen, or Pamela Anderson … A coming of age tale filled with romance, love, friendship and enlightenment.”
R. Casimiro says, “Grate Book”: “I use to be Harvard inglish profeser. I reed this bok and now forgot how spel and use inglish. Plot was nyce, had good story and hot chicks.”
Craig Anderson “Mountain Man” lauds the author’s dialogue that examines “the intricacies of social phenomena unfolding around her” while Samuel Clemens “technocrat believes the “book reads like a field manual for getting lucky anywhere between Long Branch and Atlantic City.”
And the winner is…
Twal from the UK touts Wolf Urine Lure as “one for the cellar.” He lauds its “elegant, pale straw hue with an appealing peachy fruit on the nose,” the “effervescent bead–the whole glass teams with bubbles–culminating in a frothy layer at the head,” and notes its “firm, mineral acidity that cuts through a rather elegantly styled, poised meaty presence.”
Denice Bee from Detroit, MI gives it 5 stars. “At last, a Wolf Urine that’s easy to use! My laundry has never been so fresh and clean! It removes those hard to remove wolf-crap stains on our Three Wolf Moon shirts… Why scour when Wolf Urine does the work? Get two jugs and share with a friend!”
And the winner is…
Wendy Sherer (“Cosmetic Guru”) from Pittsburgh, PA, writes: “Not only a wonderful teaching model, but while trying to find the tumors, I discovered, it acts as a makeshift stress ball! When I am in line at the grocery store I just whip out this handy little bugger and squeeze away [and] the line around me just [disappears].”
Tricky Rick of Satantonio, TX, says, “finally a product I can use.” “Who doesn’t love playing with scrotum? I know I do! So does my wife. But sometimes I have to leave the house to, I don’t know, go to work or buy groceries and I have to take my scrotum away from my wife’s hands. This made her sad… until NOW! Now she has a scrotum to play with when I’m not around. I also find it useful when I feel the need to play with a scrotum other than my own and don’t want to impose on coworkers, friends, family members (I said ‘members’) or our local priest.”
C.H. Risk finds that it “makes a great fashion accessory.” “They are a real lifesaver on the cold winter days, and the ladies go wild for the smooth, polished look.”
And the winner is…
6. Business Up Front, Party In Back
cpc65 (A.K.A. cpc8472) of Pawtucket, RI, claims it’s “so good it has been outlawed in some nations.” “Recently leaked CIA files have disclosed that the three American hikers who “unknowingly” and “unintentionally” strayed over the border of Iran were in fact each sporting a Mullet Wig – Black. They remain detained in that country at present despite political pressure and pleas from their families.
The file also hints at a covert rescue operation in the works involving a single Special Forces operative code named “Joe Dirt”. Meanwhile as a diversionary tactic, an Air Force B-2 bomber will carpet bomb Tehran with clones of William Shatner’s toupee.
Note: Photo of “model” is actually that of one of the hikers and was released to the Associated Press by the government of Iran shortly after his incarceration and interrogation.”
Michael S. Harper of Bonita. CA, says, “If you have need of a mullet wig, this is a good choice.”
And the winner is…
7. What A Tool
SAB bought this handheld multiuse tool with 87 implements, according to the product description, “to replace the factory toolkit in my 5VY Yamaha R1. First of all, when it was delivered I did not have a forklift to get the darned thing off the truck, so the truck driver helped me push it off the back. When it hit the driveway, it left a gimoungus divot in the blacktop.”
Silver_diamond2077 threw away all his other tools: “my saw , drill, hammer all went in the trash after getting this . it does every thing and yes it’s giant . I used it to fix my sink yesterday and today to install a range oven hood. Next i’m going to build a bomb shelter for 2012 with this giant swiss army knife.”
L. Barsky gives it 5 stars, noting that “it comes with a built-in hand truck. My dentist told me he’s considering switching over to the Wenger, but isn’t sure he can fit it through the loading door of his office.”
Brenton R. Grant III loves its versatility, although “I haven’t been able to use ours yet. Once my wife found out about the rechargeable rabbit attachment in the knife, I haven’t seen either one for a week.”
And the winner is…
8. Ore … Not
Kyle J. Von Bose gave it 5 stars, “glad” that he doesn’t “have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore. “I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska … The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was buying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwich maker.”
Totsubo reports that he bought it as a gift for his ex-wife, who received it “in good order.”
And the winner is…
9. Carpool, Road Warrior-Style
Thomas Dunham “Los Pepes” of Catonsville, MD gives the Badonkadonk 5 stars. “I’ll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I’ve purchased overpriced, so-called “battle tanks”, then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made mortar.
But not this baby, no way. This tank R-O-C-K-S! Literally the 400-watt sound-system keeps me rockin like a crazy man as I’m dishing out justice commando style. Wow. I just can’t say enough. And the kids love it, too- imagine the look of terror in the eyes of the enemy as I’m dropping off my kid’s team to their soccer game. Shock and awe, my friends, SHOCK AND AWE!” It also, he notes, “has plenty of room for groceries.”
WelshByrne, on the other hand, was not impressed, giving it 1 star: “Parking is a nightmare, what with the 12ft blind spot. The main cannon is totally unsuited to the task. I attempted to ethnically cleanse my local Greggs the bakers, only to find that I had been sent 90mm shells when the barrel is clearly 75mm!!!!”
And the winner is…
10. Magician’s Hat Not Included
Frazzled from Kent, UK, gave it 5 stars: “My five year old daughter loved this Easter present. She played with it for hours. I’d recommend this to anyone who is struggling to think of a suitable gift for Easter.”
Ruben Romero “BowZzr” of Pacifica, CA, wites, er, writes: “The twick is not so much to catch the wabbit, the twick is to ho’d the wabbit. Wight awm nestoled awound the neck, elbow beneath the chin, hand cwenching the back of the wodent’s head. Weft awm fiwmwy wapped awound the wabbit’s waist, ho’ding the body tight to yow body. And, quickwy, in one viowent twist, you snap the neck.
Sometimes the wabbit will fwop a widdle on the gwound. You may not have pwopewly sevewed the spinal chord. This is a weal tweat, as a wiving and fuwy mobile wabbit can be dangewous, wascally even: a wiving wabbit with a bwoken neck is hawmless so wong as you stay away fwum the teeth. When I see a wabbit fwopping on the gwound, I wift my widdle boot and cwush its tiny widdle cwanium.
Then the wabbit is quiet. Vewy vewy quiet.”
And the winner is…
Bonus: Kill me.
