Written by The Bachelor Guy

1. Fantasy vs. Reality:
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Things always seem to play out better in your head. Except in the case of threesomes.

2. Knowledge Needs to be Prioritized:
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Sports stats, winning poker hands, what goes in a Gimlet? Stored. Her phone number? That’s why God invented speed dial.

3. The Truth:
Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
Fact: This is a universal truth.

4. Women:
Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds … it makes ice.
Don’t forget “provides food…”

5. Compassion for Your Fellow Man:
Homer: Well crying isn’t going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You’re right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.
No matter how bad your buddy is feeling, you’d be remiss if you let an opportunity pass to screw with him while he’s vulnerable.

6. Career Ambitions:
Part one – Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Part two – Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I’m proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

7. Making an Impression:
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat!?’. I’m trying to impress people here Lisa. You don’t win friends with salad.

8. Placing Blame:
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Remember, no matter what she catches you doing, she’s partly responsible for you doing it.

9. Multitasking:
Homer: It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
If it’s important, you’ll find time for it.

10. Friendship:
Marge: Homer, a man who called himself “you-know-who” just invited you to a secret “wink-wink” at the “you-know-what”. You are certainly are popular now that you’ve become a Stonecutter.
Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It’s wonderful, Marge. I’ve never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.
Drinking buddies… are there any truer friends a guy can have?

11. Dealing with Problems:
Lenny: There’s nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeance isn’t too bad either.

12. Nutrition:
Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.
And ketchup is a vegetable.

13. Necessities:
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
Either us.

14. Being Prepared:
Barney: Hey, Homer, I’m worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there’s only one case left.
Never. Run. Low.

15. When Choosing a Place to Go:
Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don’t end with ‘eum,’ they end with ‘mania’ or ‘teria.’

16. Tolerance:
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.
Always be tolerant of other people’s beliefs and religions. Unless they’re hilarious.

17. Winning:
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get.
Just like in college, when drinking ability equaled social status.

18. Recognizing Boundaries:
Homer: Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

19. Physical Appearance:
Sea Captain: Yar, I’m not attractive.
To her, personality (and a parrot and peg leg, if necessary) overcomes ugliness.

20. Romance:
Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.
We’ve been telling her this for years…

And finally, the best advice Homer ever gave us –

21. Covering Your Ass:
Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.