Mutant abilities for the modern age.

Written by Stormy

When it comes down to it, most of the superpowers you see in comic books, TV, and movies aren’t the sorts of abilities you’d want to have yourself. While on the surface it might seem kick-ass to possess retractable metal claws or brain-shattering psionic abilities, powers like these tend to place a person on government watch lists or morally obligate them to fight crime. Plus, they can result in pesky accidents like stabbing your loved ones or having your body taken over by an alien lifeform. Here are some mutant abilities that might actually prove useful in your daily life without some of the more apocalyptic side effects:

1. Ultra Liver Function. With this power, you’ll be able to metabolize alcohol and clean your blood at 10 times the rate of a normal human being. You can slide tequila shot after jager shot down your throat without any concern that it might come back up in the morning, and move from Power Hours to Power Centuries with no hangovers or late-night trips to the ER. This power does, however, come with one drawback: it costs a hell of a lot money to get drunk.

2. The Human Condom. This power grants you the inability to contract, carry, or transmit any sexually transmitted infection, from genital warts to HIV. Although you’ll still require contraception, you can engage in sexual encounters relatively worry and health insurance-free. Plus, you’ll still be able to catch non-sexually transmitted ailments and enjoy the occasional guilt-free sick day.

3. Wifi Brain. Plenty of people have wifi phones, but the wifi brain allows you to access the Internet instantly and discreetly. This is the perfect power for pub trivia, winning bets, and getting through boring meetings. The trick to this power is keeping it a secret – otherwise, your friends will constantly be asking you to check their email.

4. Gaydar. To prevent embarrassing social situations and avoid lengthy, unrequited crushes on persons of the wrong sexual orientation, gaydar would let you know the exact Kinsey number of every individual in a quarter mile radius. A corollary to this power would tell you whether a particular love-target has a significant other, and how likely they are to hook up with you.

5. Polymorph Clothing. If your clubbing clothes are out of date, you need to go to a formal dinner right after a work meeting, or you just need an awesome Halloween costume, simply morph your clothing into the perfect outfit for the occasion. Incidentally, if you happen to be one of those crime-fighting superheros, this is a much better way to hide your secret identity than wearing your spandex under your suit.

6. Pepper Spray Breath. Okay, maybe your friend is a little too fond of insulting the mothers of large, drunken men. Maybe that guy who seemed really cool downstairs is a tad too aggressive when you get him into your room. You don’t really want to hurt anyone (after all, you don’t want to be a superhero), but you do want to get these people away, quickly and possibly permanently. Through a small glad in the back of your mouth, you could shoot a small but painful stream of pepper spray, quickly disabling any potential assailant. The bonus is you’d have an especially high tolerance for spicy foods. The con is that TSA would probably never let you fly.

7. Humor ESP. You’ve got a great joke involving St. Peter, a stripper, and a tricycle, but you’re not sure how it will go over with your friend’s new boyfriend, whom you’ve only met once but get the feeling doesn’t really like you. Your humor ESP will let you know whether the joke will end in laughs or a theological debate. This peculiar psychic ability also comes in handy when you want to come up with the exact line to scare off that guy at the bar who just won’t leave you alone.

8. Mute Button. Silence crying babies, Lyndon LaRouche supporters, and cell phones that play “Fergalicious” by rendering them temporarily mute. Tragically, this power would only work in person, meaning that morning talk show hosts, cable news pundits, and televangelists must still be silenced through conventional technological methods.

9. Gravity-Defying Body Parts. Some superheroes can fly. The rest of us need those gravity-defying powers to touch only certain parts of our body, such as booty, breasts, abs, and face. It seems that drag queens, Farah Fawcett, and certain cosplayers have already harnessed this power for hair, but simply won’t share the technology.