Written by David Morgan

The list of “___ Worst Love Songs” comes up every so often both on the internet and in actual print, and one would think there’s nothing left to say. Well, this time we’re going to do things slightly differently. This list will be comprised of love songs (good and bad) that if you tried to designate one of them as “our song” with your girlfriend, that action would become your last as a couple. You would be dumped on the spot.

Obviously, something like “United States of Whatever” wouldn’t be a good “our song” because it’s not even a love song to begin with. The following are all legitimate love songs that — for one reason or another — are unsuitable for couples. However, right off the bat I should tell you that the perennial favorite by Meat Loaf, “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That),” will not be found on this list. It absolutely is one of the worst love songs, but it is played out and is an easy target. Same goes for, “Every Breath You Take,” by The Police. Now that the ground rules are set, we can proceed, and with some different contenders for a change.

LoveFool by the Cardigans

This 90s favorite encourages deceit in relationships and it’s the kind of song that gets stuck in your head if you’re not careful. That combo could make for an unpleasant afternoon/marriage.

If You Wanna Be Happy by Jimmy Soul

How on Earth do you explain liking this song to your girlfriend? You certainly can’t tell her that she’s ugly, but is telling her, “don’t worry, you’re the pretty woman that will ruin my life,” that much better?

Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meat Loaf

Basically, we’re legally obligated to put one Meat Loaf love song on the list, and this is a strong contender. Meat Loaf gets to have sex with a woman by telling her that he’ll love her till the end of time. The refrain becomes “and I’m praying for the end of time.” As much as we all love ragging on “I Would Do Anything…” this one’s actually pretty fun, and the late Phil Rizzuto provides play-by-play commentary of Meat Loaf trying to score with this girl.

Yeah! Oh Yeah! by the Magnetic Fields

One might question whether or not this is a love song at all, but it was released on the album 69 Love Songs, which makes it fair game. It’s about a man who enjoys mentally torturing his wife and eventually kills her while telling her that her whole life was a lie. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel

It’s never explicitly stated that the girl in this song is underage. But there’s reference to confirmation which usually takes place in the early teen years, and you can’t help feeling a little dirty thinking about Billy Joel trying to convince a young Catholic girl to give it up.

Hooked on a Feeling by David Hasselhoff

Originally performed by B.J. Thomas and later by Blue Swede, the David Hasselhoff version is maybe the most infamous rendition of this love song. Granted, a lot of what’s wrong with this song is its music video, but just knowing it’s David Hasselhoff singing is enough to sterilize any inherent romantic content.

My Best Friend’s Girl by The Cars

Being in love with your best friend’s girlfriend can only lead to trouble of one sort or another. Admittedly, your friend is a dick for stealing your girlfriend (“she used to be mine”), but move on. Also, if you’ve actually stolen your current girlfriend from your best friend, don’t play her this song to remind her of your victory.

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley

Ah, Rick Astley. The scrawny British fellow with the voice of a much larger black man. We can all admire his pipes if not his song-writing ability. This is an unacceptable song because your woman should have at least a smattering of taste. (Ed. note: However, if you are a gay man, and you enjoy sexing your lover while wearing an ascot, this may be your jam. Also, you do not exist. Sigh!)

Tim I Wish You Were Born a Girl by Of Montreal

This is sort of a sweet song, for those of you lonely heterosexuals out there who wish your best bud had been born with female anatomy. It’s basically a platonic, heterosexual love song between two men. That said, it cannot be brought up in any situation. You can’t say to your friend, “Hey, listen to this song. I wish we could be like this,” because it would make things weird. Even if you and your friend were gay it wouldn’t make any sense because if he had been born a girl you’d no longer be into him. And you can’t tell your girlfriend you wish she was born a girl because that doesn’t make any sense either. So, this song is unfortunately very limited in scope.

Don’t Go Home with Your Hard-On by Leonard Cohen

Go ahead. Download it.

On a personal note, I asked my girlfriend for a suggestion for a tenth song and she said that if I made this “our song,” we would not make it. We both really enjoy the song, it’s just that the lyrics depicting his mother as a prostitute and about your erection not melting in the rain make it kind of a poor choice to play at a wedding.

No doubt there are some notable songs missing from this list, so comment and tell us what you would add. You could turn it into a mix-tape to give to your girlfriend for her birthday if/when things are starting to go downhill and you don’t feel like spending money on a real gift.