Written by Brandon

These 10 commandments were given directly by Mark Zuckerberg to the people of the Internet, after he had set them free from MySpace slavery. And Zuckerberg spake these words, from his celestial kingdom, saying:

?I truly believe I am the Lord thy God. Behold, Facebook is upon thee??

?1. Thou shalt have no other websites before Facebook.?

I used to hate Facebook, but now I find myself there 4 or 5 times a day, most of those times without a real reason for logging in. Facebook is like a delicious beverage that somehow makes you thirstier, even as it tastes so good. It plays to the petty Highschooler in all of us, and since it has photos and tons of personal information, it?s that much juicier.

I take it back ? Facebook isn?t a beverage, it?s a steak. A filet mignon of gossip. It rules all.

?2. Thou shalt make for thyself an anti-MySpace profile picture.?

I think we can all get behind this decree. No weird poses to make you look less ugly (see Commandment #8). No extreme angles to accentuate your emo bangs. Just straight up, take-it-or-leave-it, Hot-or-Not? kind of photographic honesty .

See, in Facebook, you?re mostly average, which is okay, because at least you aren?t emo. Or a thirteen year-old.

3. ?Thou shalt learn about thy friends? relationships from Facebook, and Facebook alone.?

Seriously ask yourself how many times you?ve heard relationship news from Facebook first. And then you took Facebook at its very-convincing word and passed on the news to other people as if Facebook was Gospel.

What, Timmy?s engaged? Why the hell didn?t Timmy tell me? Oh, that?s right, he put in on Facebook.

Thanks, Timmy.

4. ?Remember the News Feed, and keep it creepy.?

The News Feed is the Internet?s closet approximation to a ?Bored College Student Wish List.? It?s like Santa?s ?Naughty and Nice? list, but meant for people who have the time to lurk online. Which, it seems, is almost everybody. Especially people you wouldn?t expect.

I?m not kidding, my Dad recently joined StumbleUpon. That?s one step too close to Facebook for me. Soon enough, even he?ll be lurking on Facebook and playing the omniscient character with the Bible of Useless Information.

5. ?Thou shalt limited profile thy father and thy mother.?

Intended segues aside, do you really want your parents seeing your whole Facebook profiles? I really do try to avoid this upcoming cliche, even modified versions of it: What happens on Facebook, stays on Facebook.

Wow, that?s awful.

I mean it, though. That?s why god invented the limited profile. To help you with those little white lies.

6. ?Thou shalt write inside jokes on thy friend?s Wall, so all can bear witness to thy popularity.?

Please, please avoid the urge to write jokes only you and your one friend in the entire world will understand on that friend?s Wall.

Think of the Wall as a digital tattoo for your friends. I have to see your friend?s Wall. Then I have to see your post. And when I read it, it makes me want to cry, but only because of its inanity.

7. ?Thou shalt poke members of the opposite sex until they finally have sex with thee, or block thee altogether, whichever comes first.?

Everybody?s done this. Well, maybe you didn?t get to the sex part, but I know you wanted to. And if you?re sitting there, shaking your head, saying ?Nooo, that?s not me,? then shame on you. Just admit it. You?ve poked somebody you wanted to have sex with, but maybe you didn?t quite get that far.

It?s alright. As long as you?re trying. Via Facebook. By virtually poking them with invisible data?

8. ?Thou shalt untag all photos that make thee look fugly.?

There are two types of people in this world: people who untag bad pictures of themselves on Facebook and people who are sane enough not to do that. And maybe those anti-Establishment types who don?t use Facebook, although we won?t worry about them.

I actually advocate the ?fugly? untagging process.

Nobody wants to see that. Nobody.

9. ?Thou shalt update thy status regularly, so that thy friends can know thy business at all times.?

Have you recently urinated? Why do I know that disgusting and useless bit of information? Because you told me. On Facebook. Awesome.

10. ?Thou shalt put thy address, screen-name, and phone number on thy profile, so that thou mayst be stalked.?

Raise your hand if you?ve ever been inappropriately contacted by someone who got your number or screen-name from Facebook. Now look at yourself. You?re a grown man or woman sitting at your computer, with one arm raised in the air for no reason at all.

What would your mother say if she saw you right now? She?d probably tell you Facebook is where all the perverts and child molesters ?chat? on the ?Interweb.?

And you know what?

She?d be right.

Facebook hath spoken.