Written by Simon
As most men chill on the uncomfortable periphery of fashion, we do develop a strong sense for what we hate on women. And while women do style partly for themselves (”I’m the real me!”) or for their female friends (“SOOOoooOOO GOOD!”), a chunk of it’s for guys. Ladies, if you’re listening, please read, and get a clue. Gents, you may or may not agree with this list. If I’m missing any, let me know, and I’ll add them to the post.
Cheek Piercing
Nothing like a fashion statement that looks accidental. You look like you were shrooming in a fun house with a nail gun, and the next morning you just said “fuck it, I’ll keep it.” When you’ve run out of original places to stud your head, don’t go random. That’s like a musician saying “wehhh, all melodies have been done before. I’m gonna play random notes wherever and I’ll be so different I’ll be cool.” You’re not cool.
Acceptable Alternative:
Standard piercings, plus, on the right girl, eyebrow ring, or nose ring. Lip ring can work under very particular circumstances. You kinda have to be already hot.
Giant Sunglasses
At first I just felt bad for you, thinking an extraterrestrial symbiote had taken you as a host. How wrong I was. You may be proud that not the smallest beam in the slightest crack of space will get in your deflector shield eye booth, but you look like a bug on hind legs. A bug! The stick thin skin-and-bones body type completes the preying mantis fashion statement. While I do appreciate being able to catch the action behind me thanks to your pair of anti-theft convenience store convex mirrors, I’d rather you just BUZZ OFF. Yep – “buzz off”.
Acceptable Alternative:
Shades can be hot. Like any glasses, you just have to find something that fits your face. The goggles above don’t match any human face.
Excessive Foundation
Here’s the problem: lots of cover up is actually worth covering up. You may think that a pimple mount of height X necessitates a layer of foundation of X + 1 thickness, but really you’ve managed to expand the “problem area” to your entire face. Good luck playing the “success through dim lighting” card. You don’t look like porcelain, you look crusty. If you can’t tan, don’t manufacture a layer of grainy fakeskin. Some guys like pale chicks.
Acceptable Alternative:
Skin cream. Or, your actual face. The foundation’s not better than nothing.
Pets as Accessories
Living. Creatures. Are. Not. Accessories. While I appreciate, on some level, the pimping out of an otherwise evolutionary abomination into some kind of social use, this is a problem. You have no idea of the statements you make when you walk around with these fashion rats, or the thoughts that go through every guy’s mind. Images of fur and bow ties in a mulcher, or my personal favorite daytime fantasy, a bit of art I call “kicking of a dog through uprights.” We hate your dog, and we hate you.
Acceptable Alternatives:
Treating an animal like the companion it is. Get a real pet or walk alone.
High Belts
There’s beauty in proportion, and nothing messes with that more than a blatant misplacing of a standard item. If you’re willing to constrict your ribs, do us all a favor and wear a corset. At least it’ll make your boobs look good.
Acceptable Alternative:
A normal waist belt, if you need it at all. No stupidly thick belts, either.
* * *
I suppose Paris Hilton is to blame for much of the kind of shite we see every day. I think it’s time women got over her and her irritating style, and started using fashion for what it was meant to do – make women look hot.
Honourable mentions, thanks to comments:
Crocs – Indeed, fucking hideous. Unfortunately, it’s a bit unfair to pin these on girls, since guys wear them too, but they do know how to kill hotness with them.
Ugz (Uggs) boots – The name is as ugly as the boots themselves. Just what guys always wanted, right? Furry legs. Great.
And, for more excessive foundation, check out this pic of Cindy McCain (gah)
I had removed Capris, but I guess they did belong:
Number 6: nothing says skank like a tat.
Your Teen Girl Squad reference was not wasted on at least one reader. Kudos.
Tramp Stamps and the spiked/feathered hair bullshit that looks like you just stole it from poison or some other worthless hairmetal band.
I don’t see anything wrong with belts above the waist (then again i’m a girl haha).
Giant sunglasses are annoying as hell
Good article.
Definitely the Capris. Not quite shorts, not quite attractive.
@2
WTF!!! Dont be that quick to judge a girl, jease
Thanks for posting this, Finally someone said it. THANK YOU!!!!
Girls take notes
Tramp Stamp = Gross
Belly Button Pierce = Fashion Victim 10 Years On
Addiction to the colour pink = Nobody wants to be that boyfriend
Dual-layer t-shirts, with the inner one sticking out 3 inches past the outer one.
ANYTHING with words printed on the ass.
Rolling the waistband of your sweatpants down to make them low-rise. (Spotted most often at the gym.)
Most feet are hideous. Period. Decorating the nails is like polishing a totaled car.
Low-rise jeans with a shorty-top have been “fashionable” for, what, 15 years now? Can’t we move onto something else? Something that might be, oh I don’t know, flattering?
Picture of the belt: that is her natural waist- sorry guys.
Oh, I forgot one:
TATTOOS!! God, they’re hideous. Each and every last one of them… A tat on a beautiful woman is like a dent on a Ferrari. A tat on an unbeautiful woman? Just worsens the overall effect, dear…
Piercings are generally icky, IMO.
Y’all should do a companion article to this: what men *want* to see.
*Leather / latex / rubber
*Dresses / skirts
*Corsets
*Tall boots
*Ball gags (seriously, why aren’t they a fashion accessory yet?)
You suggest a ‘normal waist belt’, completely missing the fact that belts worn high are actually worn at the ‘natural waist’. But hey, you’re a guy – I can’t blame you for missing that one. And besides – the rest of them were dead on. Even as a chick, I can’t stand seeing other girls who look like they need an ice pick to chisel away at their foundation.
Slightly off-topic, but why has nobody in the last twenty years done anything about the TASTE of make-up?!?!? I like kissing girls, and a peck on the cheek is great. But when you end up with dusty, icky make-up all over your mouth it’s just gross.
I’ve noticed most girls get around it by doing little air-kisses, but where’s the fun in that?
I like high belts (when done correctly) and big sunglasses (although of course you should try to match the shape to your face). Then again, I’m a girl.
I see “sticky lip gloss” on these kinds of lists a lot, because most guys dont want gooey red gloss all over their lips when they kiss a girl. However, I’m personally a lip gloss fan. So, I save the shiny, pretty, viscous gloss for situations in which the probability of kissing or drinking out of a glass without a straw are both extremely low, and opt for red chapstick the rest of the time.
High belt worn with the right clothes actually do enhance your natural waist (ie. the narrowest part of your body) and makes your body look curvier. But the belt has to be the right kind. It almost works like a mini corset. Not a thick and bulky one.
I personally love the whole tattoo culture, and do like stylish tattoos on both men and women. But your typical tribals, chinese letters and butterflys really don’t do much for me. Plus more often people get too small tattoos so in few years you don’t see what’s in the tattoo. AND tattoos are suitable mainly for people who have that rock n’ roll style and attitude.
And I’m totally disagreeing with the capri pants. Think 1950’s, think Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn in black ballerinas, tight fitting sexy capris and a black turtleneck. Cute AND sexy! But really capris need to fit well, they need to be tight rather than loose. And it helps if you have nice legs and calves 🙂 And the shoes also make a difference, ballerinas work well, or high heels like wedges or kitten heels (again, think of the 50’s and 60’s).
I like all the comments from girls in support of the big-belts… and all the guys who rightly disagree. I think the point is slightly missed ladies. Belts are meant to hold pants up. While a large belt on a dress may sit at the proper waist-line (which i won’t argue at all), they still look completely retarded, and rarely achieve the goal of accentuating a woman’s natural curves. Worst fashion-fad since the zoot-suit.
Bras with wierd textures. You dont come with something like screening or bows. Smooth and natural pse.
Multiple straps on tops. Just the top one. The rest are called undergarments for a reason.
Women weren’t put on this earth to be eye candy for men. I don’t care if you think I’m “hot” or “sexy”, or if you approve of what I’m wearing. In fact, fuck you all and your fascist beauty standards.
Looks like A Woman is having her period LMAO. Excessive make-up, oversized shades and belts that go way off proportion to the average woman’s contour. By wearing any of that you’re already Trying to be eye-candy you idiot. Nice way of shooting yourself in the foot, don’t you think?
don’t go calling me a misogynist cos i agree with ‘Crystal’, ‘Steph’ and ‘MissCherryCake’.
At A man who speak of…wev.
You are a fucking tool of misogynist. Women don’t have to have their periods to be bitches. In fact, I work doubly hard of being princess cuntbitch of Fuck mountain, and I only bleed 3 days a week.
The women whoa agree with this sexist bullshit are colluders with men. In other words, “gods, if I agree with the manly menfolks they might not turn on me and call me a bitch, tramp, or slut.” See Schafly et.al for reference.
Newsflash, a woman’s body is not here for the male gaze. Get over it, women don’t fucking dress for a shithead misogynist like yourself, nor does their world revolve around you.
So, yeah, to all the colluders and misogynists on this thread, fuck your misogynistic pathetic controlling fascist beauty standards.
it should b 3 days a month. not week.
I agree, I don’t really give a shit about what men think I look sexy in…if I feel sexy myself, then it really doesn’t matter. It is confidence that is the sexy thing, so if you wear what you feel confident in, then you are NATURALLY sexy. The only thing i agree on is too much makeup, clogs up skin
I want to add one.
Girls wearing clothes in tiny sizes when they are obviously about 4 sizes bigger. I don’t know why they do it. It makes their stomaches hang out and shows that they are not confindent in what size they are.
They should wear the size they are because they will suit them better and if they want to wear small clothes lose weight
Along the lines of capris, the “Star Trek pants”:
Capri length dress “pants” with the big cuff ofter worn with short boots. Every woman in them looks like they came off the Star Trek set.
I’m also no fan of the “dress shorts” (not skorts, shorts out of dress pant material) being worn. I think most of this stems from the fact women can wear these to work, but I can’t wear similar cotton/khaki shorts.
^^ IF YOU DONT CARE, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BOTHER READING THE ARTICLE AND THEN BOTHER REPLYING? GO WASTE YOUR TIME BEING A LESBIAN. If you dont dress to become attractive to the opposite sex, who do you dress for? Yourself? Ultimately everything we do to improve ourselves is to attract a mate.
Im a girl by the way and I hate girls who are so into themselves like that. Im pro- feminist but in the sense of independence wealth and power and anti- stereotypes/ prejudice
Every woman no matter how attractive she may be, NEVER looks good in capris or gladiator shoes. Only women think these horrid fashions look good, not men.
This is just my personal opinion and I resent anyone in advance who tells me that I'm agreeing or disagreeing to please a side. And I'm a woman.
The cheek piercings are not something that I like. I prefer eyebrows actually – but small silver barbell on one eyebrow. But it doesn't look good on everyone. (p.s. I don't wear any sort of facial piercing but that would be my preference).
Those big sunglasses look scary actually. However I do like big sunglasses, just not that huge. Then again it depends on the person's face. I own a small size.
Excessive foundation – not everyone is blessed with perfect celebrity skin (oh did people forget that even the natural look is made up by professionals? ), but moderation is best.
Keep the pooch at home. Let him run around in the yard, chase squirrels, play in the grass and be a dog. Not an accessory.
The high belts I have no problem with – right colour, right size are all that matters.
Crocs and ugg boots – a definite no to those.
Capris – I see no problem in these (all depends on the wearer) but I prefer pants.