Written by isuki online dating blog

It’s 4.30am. You’re wide awake – your lips still stained from the red wine you drank last night and your throat dry from the countless cigarettes you smoked. Everything is silent and dark, except for the faint hum of the late 90’s computer under your desk, which for some reason you blame for your insomnia. As you get up to turn the machine off, something stops you. You just want to check the internet one last time before you go to bed. As you scour through the vast realms of the intertubes, you find some of the most incredible and bizarre personals, enough to keep you up all night

Below are just a selection of some of the most entertaining, bizarre and downright creepy personals from Craigslist.

7. To the older woman watching me buying condoms (m4w)

The Ad: I was the 20 something guy holding two bottles of chardonnay in the condom section of the Dominick’s. You were the lovely lady in her 50s peering over my shoulder as I made my selection. I was not aware of your presence until the audible gasp when I reached for a box of ribbed magnums. My date did not go exactly as planned; the wine went down ok but I forgot to use the magnums in the heat of the moment and I think I may have gotten the clap. Long story short, I still have a dozen condoms left over if you are interested in going out sometime…

What were they thinking?

Maybe after catching a glimpse of some hot 50-year-old booty he subconsciously decided that the girl he ‘forgot’ to use the condom with wasn’t for him, after all. So once the guy washes his hands of his previous date (and his STD) he would be free to pursue the curious MILF, and would finally be able to put the condoms to good use.

6. (WOW) Hot girl for hot guy!

The Ad: Hi! I’m a level 44 female blood elf (will be 50 this weekend) seeking my true love. Long dark red hair, sexy red lips, and I can bust a move like you’ve never seen. Must be from Duskwood server, where I am. Specifically looking for a male blood elf or undead to rock my world (of warcraft). Bonus points if you’re a 70 and have any of your epics above tier 4. No trolls! Send me an email with your name and we can go on a date. There is a cute little spot in the Barrens I would love to bring a date. Maybe set up a fire and drink some volatile rum? See where things go from there. See you soon!

What were they thinking?

Considering the number of people hooked on World of Warcraft, there’s a pretty good chance this lonesome elf was inundated with replies from equally reality challenged suitors. But you can’t help thinking that maybe if she left the computer once in a while and ventured into the big wide world outside her doorstep, she wouldn’t have such a problem finding her ideal partner anyway.

5. Fill My Valence Electron Shell

The Ad: A little about me: My name is Selenium, but you can just call me Se. I take good care of myself – 78.96 amu and disease free. I’ve been ionized before, but I’m not really into that anymore. I’m looking for someone to really bond with. Covalently. I want to be in a truly stable relationship. Do you have what I need? I’m not just looking for another Bromine. I want someone who will treat me like a princess and together we can become noble.

What were they thinking?

This advertiser is obviously only interested in one thing – high school chemistry. Will attract geeks only, or those people that actually like the name Selenuim.

4. To the girl who took a dump in the Art Institute parking lot! (m4w)

The Ad: I mean, come on! It was like 50 paces to the nearest restroom! I sat there in my car wondering what the hell you were up to – you spent at least two minutes scurrying around your parked car, looking to see if the coast was clear. I thought you were going to like break into someone else’s car, or something. Then I guessed you thought you were “safe” and hurried to the front of your car, near the third level stairwell, dropped your pants, squatted and WENT TO IT! For Christ’s sake, woman! All the time you spent looking out for passing cars so no one would see you crapping like a dog in public, you could have hustled your lazy ass downstairs and into the building and USED THE DAMNED RESTROOM! Sheesh! Anyway – if you’re free later, drop me a line. I was never more turned on in my life.

What were they thinking?

This is a perfect example of that common phrase “each to their own”. He could have at any point stepped out of his hiding place to scare her into going to the bathroom, but obviously his craving to sate that inherit human desire, curiosity, got the better of him. She, on the other hand, had no excuse. And you don’t even want to start thinking about what type of sex life these two would have. Dare to say it: one word – gross.

3. You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. (m4w)

The Ad: I shouted “fuck the police”… you made the Black Panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let’s chat after you make bail.

What were they thinking?

By the sounds of it they probably weren’t thinking at all. Although she was very lucky not to get tasered too – you don’t want to mess with the Dallas cops. Lovely that she still had time to notice how his hair looked during the kerfuffle. It must have looked really good.

2. Well Here Goes… (w4m)

The Ad: This is weird: I saw you at the park the other day – you know the one by the school? You were over by that tree taking a leak and I thought that your coat looked GORGEOUS! I wanted to sniff your rear end and ask if you use liver oil or fish oil supplements but then a bird distracted me (dunno- I think it was a crow) and I ran off. When I came back you were kinda busy eating some poop. Please, please, please, lemme know…

What were they thinking?

Someone’s been spending far too much time with their canine buddies, and probably needs to get out a bit more.

1. To the guy who drank from the can of Pepsi he found on the ground (w4m)

The Ad: I thought that was pretty gross at first, but the more I thought about it throughout the day, the more I was charmed by it. I can tell you are outgoing and uninhibited by social norms and I find that very sexy. It inspired me to fish a half-eaten doughnut out of a trash can on my way home from work. It tasted awful, but I felt so liberated. You were dressed kind of poorly and your hair was unkempt (clearly unwashed), but I get the impression that you’re just a free spirit with bigger priorities than basic hygiene. Perhaps you’re a modern Aristotle? Would love to discuss Kierkegaard or Nietzsche with you sometime, perhaps over a can of Pepsi? My treat.

What were they thinking?

There seem to be two answers here. First of all, the guy who drank the Pepsi obviously likes living on the edge, taking risks in life, so therein lies the appeal. Secondly, she has either completely lost her mind or is totally desperate, or maybe she’s both. But what it does tell us, most definitely, is that people can find love in the most unexpected places, and with the most unexpected people, paying tribute to that old age adage: there’s someone out there for everyone.