Written by AN Jay

Christmas day is just coming and every one is getting prepared for himself to celebrate this holidays with much more enjoyments. Designers are also excited in this Christmas as well to come up with exclusive designs specially for Christmas. Sometimes, general users also love to use or change their wallpapers on the desktop as per the currently going events. For everyone like you, we have compiled a list of 17 Must-Have Collection Of Free Christmas Resources (Exclusive Designers Kit. I hope designers will surely like this collection as well all the other guys will love it as it has lots of resources like icons, wordpress themes, tutorials, wallpapers, cards and much more. So enjoy the collection of resources, And yes Happy Christmas in advance!

40 Creative Christmas Wallpapers

10 Christmas Themed Photoshop Tutorials

48 Snow, Ice, Snowflake and Christmas Brushes

Christmas Design Toolkit: Photoshop Brushes, Vector Images And Tutorials

16 Stunning High Resolution Christmas Wallpapers

24 Free Christmas Photoshop Tutorials

20 Superb Christmas Designs

10 Free Christmas fonts

60 Beautiful Christmas Photoshop Tutorials

15 Interesting Christmas Free WordPress Themes

Over 2000 Christmas Goodies – PNG, Vectors, Icons, Wallpapers, Cliparts and PSD files

45+ Beautiful Christmas Cards

23 Awesome Christmas Icon Sets

Beautiful Christmas Wallpapers For Your Desktop

A Nice List of Christmas Tutorials, Brushes, Clipart and Icons

20 Attractive Free Fonts for you This Christmas

40 Best Christmas Resources: Wallpapers, Themes, Icons, Vectors and More

25 Outstanding Christmas Wallpapers to Decorate your Desktop!

30 Christmas WordPress Themes

Written by premiere

For some reason, the studios like to push out some major bummers this time of year. Don’t they know how stressful the holidays are? Check out these movies and give your tear ducts a break

1. Laugh: Young Frankenstein

This Mel Brooks classic isn’t quite as naughty as some of his other comedies (Blazing Saddles isn’t quite Christmas Eve fare), but it’s just as funny. From Gene Wilder’s wild-eyed Frankenstein, to Marty Feldman’s pop-eyed Igor, a tap-dance routine with the homemade monster – pop it into the DVD player and giggle.

2. Renew Your Faith in Humanity: To Kill a Mockingbird
Gregory Peck’s role as Atticus Finch solidified his status as one of the greats. As a small-town Southern lawyer who represents a man accused of rape because of his race, Peck’s Finch teaches his fellow townspeople, his daughter Scout, and plenty of movie-watchers all about the basic goodness of humanity.

Babe Courtesy of Universal Home Entertainment

3. Get the Warm Fuzzies: Babe
This little piggy avoids going to market by learning how to herd sheep with help from a canine pal and a gentle farmer. The animals are cute without being cloying – the sheep explain they’ll be herded if the dogs are nice – and James Cromwell is perfect as the thoughtful and king Farmer Arthur Hoggett. Make it a double-feature with Babe: Pig in the City, too.

4. Feel Good About Folks: The Visitor
The always-charming Richard Jenkins plays Walter Vale, a lonely, widowed professor who visits NYC for work, only to discover a couple living in his apartment, much to everyone’s surprise. After things are cleared up – Tarek and Zainab were the victims of real-estate fraud – Walter lets them stay. In return, Tarek teaches Walter to drum and takes him to drum circles in the park. Walter’s life is changed by their connection, and is moved to take action when Tarek gets in hot water with the Immigration Department.

Andrew Lincoln in Love Actually Courtesy of Universal Home Entertainment

5. Snuggle Up: Love Actually
This rom-com features a galaxy of stars like Emma Thompson, Liam Neeson, Bill Nighy, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Keira Knightley, Colin Firth, and more couples whose stories overlap in this Christmas tale. Spanning ages, races, and occupations, Love Actually is a funny film about love of all kinds – between married people, single people, school kids, and even parents and children.

6. Sing and Dance: Hairspray
Pick up the original Hairspray for a bouffant-filled good time. Ricki Lake’s Tracy Turnblad is a “pleasantly plump” gal who tries to fit in… and then decides to scrap it and do what she wants instead. She ends up involved in the fight for racial equality when she is befriended by some of the black kids at school, who also help her learn the dance moves she needs to realize her dream of getting on the local teen dance show. Plus, the soundtrack rocks and pine plays her mom!

7. Escape: Roman Holiday
You can’t go wrong with Audrey Hepburn or Gregory Peck, so when they get together in this rom-com as Princess Ann and Joe Bradley, they’re unstoppable. Her sparkling eyes and warm humor easily wins over Joe as they go on adventures around Rome on his Vespa and smooch it up around the city.

Po and Master Shifu in Kung Fu Panda Courtesy of DreamWorks

8. Hiya!: Kung Fu Panda
As Jack Black has proclaimed over and again, he is Po, the chubby clumsy panda who dreams of being a kung fu master instead of working in his dad’s noodle shop. When he gets his chance, he gets his fuzzy butt kicked on the regs by Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman) and the rest of his kung fu heroes, the Furious Five. By the time he gets the hang of this kung fu business, his “bodacity” is in full effect. Get it on Blu-ray if you have the means so you can enjoy the close-ups of Po’s cute button nose.

9. Travel Through Time: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
This cult favorite has it all – interstellar travel, mad scientists, aliens, pretty ladies, rock music, crazy gadgets, a guy named New Jersey, and so much more. Goofy fun led by the most multitalented guy in the cosmos, Buckaroo Banzai!

10. Revel in the Absurd: Anchorman
Will Ferrell’s pompous, mustached Ron Burgundy is a putz and a misogynist who tries to match wits with his beautiful new co-anchor, Veronica Corningstone, but fails miserably (while falling in love). Anchorman is worth it for the one-liners alone – you can buy t-shirts that say “I Love Lamp,” for the love of all that’s holy. And there are unicorns.

Written by Michelle Delio

Whether he’s telling us what mere mortals do and don’t need, assuring us that whatever he’s just showed us is “un-bel-liev-able,” or making the rare flub on stage, Apple’s CEO always puts on one hell of a show.

In honor of what appears to be the end of an era with yesterday’s announcement that Steve’s Macworld keynotes have come to an end, here’s a tribute to some of the last quarter century’s greatest Stevenotes.

Apple Sales Event, Fall 1983

Flushed with pride and wearing a huge grin, Steve tells the crowd that Apple is the only force that can ensure our future freedom from a drab IBM-dominated world, and previews the infamous1984 commercial. Don’t miss the Macintosh Software Dating Game, Bachelor #3 is a scruffy, slumped Mac-loving Bill Gates.

Macworld Expo Boston, 1997

Deep in the dark “beleagued Apple” days a vest-and-collarless-shirt wearing Jobs, freshly returned to Apple, gives an impassioned speech about Apple’s continued relevance in the computer industry. He then shares the startling news of a new Apple-Microsoft alliance, including Internet Explorer as the default browser on all Macs. The crowd is not happy. Steve goes on to explain that Microsoft has kindly ensured Apple’s survival for a while through the purchase of 150 million bucks worth of Apple stock (non-voting shares, he hastens to explain). Bill Gates then manifests wearing a cheesy grin on the super-sized screen behind Jobs. The now shell-shocked crowd greets their apparent new overlord with boos and a few faint cheers. Note to past self: fear not, it all worked out just fine.

Macworld, 1998

The computer that sparked Apple’s triumphant comeback. Steve was back and wanted a machine for consumers who didn’t need a tower or a laptop. The iMac was based upon, “The excitement of the internet. The simplicity of Macintosh.” apple revealed in the fact that the back of the iMac looked better than the front of their competitors computers.

Macworld Expo New York, 1999?

Having finally settled on what will become his famed keynote costume — black long-sleeved St. Croix mock turtleneck. Levi’s 501 blue jeans, New Balance 991 sneakers — Steve assures the crowd that what they really want is a portable iMac. Despite the enthralled ooohhs, aaahhs and wild applause that greeted the iBook unveiling in retrospect it’s all too easy to see that this isn’t one of Apple’s prettier products. It’s hard to think why we were all so thrilled back then — a handle? Wow! No latch? Awesome! The CD ROM drive pops right open! OMG!

Macworld Expo San Francisco, 2000

After introducing OS X and its promised “state of the art plumbing and killer graphics — an OS designed for the Internet” Steve and tells the crowd that after 2.5 years of serving as the temporary Apple CEO, he’ll be dropping the interim title, will now be called the “iCEO” and plans to hang around for the foreseeable future. The crowd goes wild, the standing ovation and cheers go on and on and ends with an obviously touched Steve telling everyone “you’re making me feel funny.”

Cupertino Apple Music Event, 2001

In front of a surprisingly small crowd in an exceptionally ugly room, Steve explains with great enthusiasm that Apple likes music, we all like music, music has been around forever, no one offers great technology that lets people listen to music on the go, and so Apple is going to make a music product. The silly people in the audience greet this announcement of the first iPod very tepidly.

Apple World Wide Developers Conference, 2002

There’s a coffin onstage, organ music, swirling fog — the whole Sisters of Mercy shtick. Goth Steve somberly cracks open the coffin, reveals Mac OS9 and delivers a moving eulogy: “a friend to us all…never refused a command …except when he forgot who he was and needed to be restarted.” Then, tenderly pointing out that OS9 “a humble guy, who never flaunted his power with a start menu … had now gone onto that great bit bucket in the sky,” Steve closed the coffin and placed a single red rose on it.

Macworld Expo San Francisco, 2007

Steve unveils the iPhone and has a great time doing it. He tells the crowd that “this is a day I’ve been looking forward to for 2.5 years …” During this Stevenote he called Starbucks, asked for an order of 4,000 lattes, quickly explains he was just kidding and apologizes. His clicker doesn’t work, and he wonders aloud if Steve Wozniak hacked it. He has a happy conference call with Apple executives Jonathan Ive and Phil Schiller, checks Apple’s stock price (up $2.43 after the iPhone announcement), watches a TV show, plays back a voicemail from Al Gore and says with great glee that the iPhone puts “the internet in your pocket for the first time ever.”

Steve’s given us a whole lot over the years — great products, good times, shivery anticipation and the occasional distoration of the collective reality field. While we’re all bummed at the possibility that there may not be “one more thing” and we may never see him deliver another Stevenote, perhaps it’s best to just say a quiet thank you and leave Steve alone. If nothing else, at least we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that don’t have to watch Steve Ballmer keynotes.

Got a favorite Steve Jobs Keynote moment we missed? Drop the YouTube link in the comments and we’ll add it to the article.

ps:30 Years of Apple’s History in Three Minutes

Written by isuki online dating blog

It’s 4.30am. You’re wide awake – your lips still stained from the red wine you drank last night and your throat dry from the countless cigarettes you smoked. Everything is silent and dark, except for the faint hum of the late 90’s computer under your desk, which for some reason you blame for your insomnia. As you get up to turn the machine off, something stops you. You just want to check the internet one last time before you go to bed. As you scour through the vast realms of the intertubes, you find some of the most incredible and bizarre personals, enough to keep you up all night

Below are just a selection of some of the most entertaining, bizarre and downright creepy personals from Craigslist.

7. To the older woman watching me buying condoms (m4w)

The Ad: I was the 20 something guy holding two bottles of chardonnay in the condom section of the Dominick’s. You were the lovely lady in her 50s peering over my shoulder as I made my selection. I was not aware of your presence until the audible gasp when I reached for a box of ribbed magnums. My date did not go exactly as planned; the wine went down ok but I forgot to use the magnums in the heat of the moment and I think I may have gotten the clap. Long story short, I still have a dozen condoms left over if you are interested in going out sometime…

What were they thinking?

Maybe after catching a glimpse of some hot 50-year-old booty he subconsciously decided that the girl he ‘forgot’ to use the condom with wasn’t for him, after all. So once the guy washes his hands of his previous date (and his STD) he would be free to pursue the curious MILF, and would finally be able to put the condoms to good use.

6. (WOW) Hot girl for hot guy!

The Ad: Hi! I’m a level 44 female blood elf (will be 50 this weekend) seeking my true love. Long dark red hair, sexy red lips, and I can bust a move like you’ve never seen. Must be from Duskwood server, where I am. Specifically looking for a male blood elf or undead to rock my world (of warcraft). Bonus points if you’re a 70 and have any of your epics above tier 4. No trolls! Send me an email with your name and we can go on a date. There is a cute little spot in the Barrens I would love to bring a date. Maybe set up a fire and drink some volatile rum? See where things go from there. See you soon!

What were they thinking?

Considering the number of people hooked on World of Warcraft, there’s a pretty good chance this lonesome elf was inundated with replies from equally reality challenged suitors. But you can’t help thinking that maybe if she left the computer once in a while and ventured into the big wide world outside her doorstep, she wouldn’t have such a problem finding her ideal partner anyway.

5. Fill My Valence Electron Shell

The Ad: A little about me: My name is Selenium, but you can just call me Se. I take good care of myself – 78.96 amu and disease free. I’ve been ionized before, but I’m not really into that anymore. I’m looking for someone to really bond with. Covalently. I want to be in a truly stable relationship. Do you have what I need? I’m not just looking for another Bromine. I want someone who will treat me like a princess and together we can become noble.

What were they thinking?

This advertiser is obviously only interested in one thing – high school chemistry. Will attract geeks only, or those people that actually like the name Selenuim.

4. To the girl who took a dump in the Art Institute parking lot! (m4w)

The Ad: I mean, come on! It was like 50 paces to the nearest restroom! I sat there in my car wondering what the hell you were up to – you spent at least two minutes scurrying around your parked car, looking to see if the coast was clear. I thought you were going to like break into someone else’s car, or something. Then I guessed you thought you were “safe” and hurried to the front of your car, near the third level stairwell, dropped your pants, squatted and WENT TO IT! For Christ’s sake, woman! All the time you spent looking out for passing cars so no one would see you crapping like a dog in public, you could have hustled your lazy ass downstairs and into the building and USED THE DAMNED RESTROOM! Sheesh! Anyway – if you’re free later, drop me a line. I was never more turned on in my life.

What were they thinking?

This is a perfect example of that common phrase “each to their own”. He could have at any point stepped out of his hiding place to scare her into going to the bathroom, but obviously his craving to sate that inherit human desire, curiosity, got the better of him. She, on the other hand, had no excuse. And you don’t even want to start thinking about what type of sex life these two would have. Dare to say it: one word – gross.

3. You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. (m4w)

The Ad: I shouted “fuck the police”… you made the Black Panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let’s chat after you make bail.

What were they thinking?

By the sounds of it they probably weren’t thinking at all. Although she was very lucky not to get tasered too – you don’t want to mess with the Dallas cops. Lovely that she still had time to notice how his hair looked during the kerfuffle. It must have looked really good.

2. Well Here Goes… (w4m)

The Ad: This is weird: I saw you at the park the other day – you know the one by the school? You were over by that tree taking a leak and I thought that your coat looked GORGEOUS! I wanted to sniff your rear end and ask if you use liver oil or fish oil supplements but then a bird distracted me (dunno- I think it was a crow) and I ran off. When I came back you were kinda busy eating some poop. Please, please, please, lemme know…

What were they thinking?

Someone’s been spending far too much time with their canine buddies, and probably needs to get out a bit more.

1. To the guy who drank from the can of Pepsi he found on the ground (w4m)

The Ad: I thought that was pretty gross at first, but the more I thought about it throughout the day, the more I was charmed by it. I can tell you are outgoing and uninhibited by social norms and I find that very sexy. It inspired me to fish a half-eaten doughnut out of a trash can on my way home from work. It tasted awful, but I felt so liberated. You were dressed kind of poorly and your hair was unkempt (clearly unwashed), but I get the impression that you’re just a free spirit with bigger priorities than basic hygiene. Perhaps you’re a modern Aristotle? Would love to discuss Kierkegaard or Nietzsche with you sometime, perhaps over a can of Pepsi? My treat.

What were they thinking?

There seem to be two answers here. First of all, the guy who drank the Pepsi obviously likes living on the edge, taking risks in life, so therein lies the appeal. Secondly, she has either completely lost her mind or is totally desperate, or maybe she’s both. But what it does tell us, most definitely, is that people can find love in the most unexpected places, and with the most unexpected people, paying tribute to that old age adage: there’s someone out there for everyone.

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Written by lifehacker

In the past year we’ve highlighted hundreds of Windows apps aimed at making your life easier, boosting your computer productivity, and powering up your PC.

For those of you who weren’t able to keep up, here’s a look back at the most popular Windows downloads of 2008.

Keep in mind that this list is based on the popularity of posts we’ve published in 2008 only, regardless of the original release date of the app. Many were brand new this year, while others were solid updates to popular software. Here’s the full run-down of the 12 most popular Windows downloads of 2008:

Firefox 3 Is Released, We Download

Firefox 3 was easily one of the biggest events in software in 2008 regardless of what platform you run. We may be well on the way to Firefox 3.1 now, but if you’re looking to brush up on your Firefox 3 chops, be sure to check out the top 10 Firefox 3 features and our power user’s guide to Firefox 3.

Mojo Downloads Music from Your Friends’ iTunes Libraries Over the Internet

Mojo makes it easy to download music from your friends’ iTunes libraries over the internet. Mojo comes in both free and premium flavors, but the free version offers plenty of functionality for the money. If you’re just getting started with Mojo, check out our guide to using Mojo.

Free PDF to Word Doc Converter Does What It Sounds Like

It’s easy to convert or print Microsoft Word documents to PDF, but what about when you want to go the other way around? The aptly named Free PDF to Word Doc Converter does exactly that. (Original post)

OurTunes Grabs Music from Shared iTunes Libraries

If the limitations on Mojo aren’t for you, the open-source classic ourTunes-which downloads music from any shared iTunes library on your network-made a comeback earlier this year, as a new developer took up the reigns and continues to release updates. (Original post)

CCleaner Clears the Crap from Your PC

The popular PC colonic CCleaner (the first ‘C’ stands for Crap) pushed out a 2.0 release earlier this year and you were quick to update and enjoy the crap cleaning goodies. (Original post)

AVG Free Anti-Virus 2008

AVG Free Anti-Virus 2008 hit the streets in May, and the application that you voted the best antivirus applications for Windows was unsurprisingly popular. (Original post)

Windows Vista Service Pack 1

Microsoft released the first major service pack for Vista, Windows Vista Service Pack 1 (x64 version), in March, and you were eager to download and update to the latest and greatest from Redmond. (Original post)

Hotspot Shield Gets Around US-Only Blocks and Content Filtering

Looking to protect your browsing privacy or access US-only content from outside the US? HotSpot Shield received a lot of attention in ’08 from users looking to do that and more. (Original post)

Quick Media Converter Easily Converts Media to Any Format

Quick Media Converter converts virtually any media file (audio or video) from one format to another. The application has an emphasis on simplicity: Just drag and drop a file you want to convert onto the app, click the icon of the device you’re converting for, and let Quick Media Converter take care of the rest. (Original post)

DExposE2 Brings OS X’s Expose to Windows

Freeware application DExposE2 is a clone of Mac OS X’s Expose feature for Windows XP and Vista, providing an attractive, innovative interface for switching and managing windows in Windows. Check out the original post to see a video DExposE2 in action.

Dropbox Instantly Syncs Files Across the Internet

Instantaneous file syncing was huge in 2008, with free, cross-platform application Dropbox leading the pack. Dropbox boasts web-based version control, fast and instant syncs, and a dead-simple setup. Among other things, Dropbox makes for the perfect password syncer. (Original post)

Executor Challenges Launchy, Impresses

Open-source application Launchy has long been a favorite of savvy keyboarders looking for quick app launching in Windows, but a saucy newcomer called Executor hit the ground running when it was released earlier this year. Check out our original post for a more detailed rundown of what makes Executor so impressive.

Sharepod Frees Your iPod from iTunes

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Want to free yourself from the shackles of iTunes but still want full functionality from your iPod? Sharepod is a lightweight iTunes alternative that runs directly from your iPod, so it’s with you whenever and wherever you plug in your player. (Original post)

Whether or not your favorite Windows download of ’08 won out in the popularity contest, let’s hear more about your favorite download of the year in the comments.

Written by 27bslash6

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child’s party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer sometime if you like.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to – if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn’t have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn’t everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones – I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It’s the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don’t think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of ‘wouldn’t it be good’ to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don’t see you before tonight.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won’t be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breath in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived ‘through’ the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don’t own cars.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend Cathy’s work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Can’t wait, see you tonight.

Regards, David.

Written by Daniel Murphy

People always lament the decline of those quaint mom-and-pop stores as big chains like Target and Wal-Mart dominate the holidays with impossible-to-beat price margins and robust online sites that spare you the ordeal of interpersonal communication.

But here’s something no one considers: What if mom-and-pop are total lunatics? What if the mere act of stepping foot in their store endangers you? What if that little, locally owned store is where the Christmas Spirit goes to die? At least in Costco you’re safe. There are witnesses.

Judging by these local TV ads, such small businesses (ones that the Grinch himself may call “a bit over the top”) do exist. Which calls to mind a platitude that mom always reminds me of around the holidays: Better to get a lump of coal than a lead-painted tea set. (Mom likes her egg nog.)

Hobbymasters

Some notable facts:

1.) This place is so big, you cold easily get lost in there.

2.) Arlene and Charlie can find you anywhere you may try to hide.

3.) Charlie has no qualms about throwing shit at you.

4.) This is how the terrorists win.

Memorable quote: “Not if I spot you first!”

Crazy Gideon’s

Clearly someone forgot to tell Gideon that the “crazy” portion of the name is supposed to refer to the store’s irrationally low prices, not actual psychotic rage.

Memorable quote: “Hurry before I change my mind!” (About what, killing me with a television set?)

Norton Furniture

According to this commercial, here are the reasons you should ship at Norton Furniture:

1.) They’ll give you credit even if you don’t know what credit is.

2.) You can count on the fact that the owner’s name is Mark.

3.) Giant tuxedoed frogs often relax there.

4.) Except when concealed men with hedge clippers go on the attack.

Memorable quote: “Now, seriously. If you can’t get credit in my store,” (coffee break) “you can’t get credit anywhere.”

Jones Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage

In the beginning, he actually makes some good points. (He’s right, I’m not going to use that old printer!) But then there’s the whole “being intoxicated” thing, which is usually funny — except when I’m paying you to hold my stuff. Which you then joke about destroying. And that offer to stash my weed? Awfully generous, but I’m going to go somewhere where “BODIES (ALIVE OR DEAD)” isn’t on the price sheet.

Memorable quote: “Do you know how big a bus is?”

Silas Deane Pawn Shop

Here’s the problem with this ad: If you’re doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation, why? And no. If that’s how you actually talk, just stop. Stop talking. Stick with print. Billboards. Internet banners. I know what you’re thinking: But how can I go wrong with a slogan like “Get down here now; get down here now”? That’s how.

Memorable quote: “What are you doing? Arghh!”

Written by Shaun Clayton

Ah, YouTube. One of the three most popular websites in the world, and probably the most dangerous, since the only thing you can do on YouTube is waste time by watching videos, and although some people like to waster other people’s times by uploading said videos. Sure, YouTube is a great place to watch old commercials, illegal anime, videogame tricks, illegal TV shows, trailers, illegal cartoons and raps about robotic cops fighting Dick Jones, but those good things are actually just a very small portion of YouTube’s library of content. Actually, 90% of YouTube’s several million videos can easily be put into 10 distinct categories, and shockingly, none of the above are included.

10) The Internet Craze Du Jour

It appears to be if you do something in public that people would consider completely insane, but instead put it on YouTube, you become this Internet sensation. For example, you see some blonde crying man on the street screaming to “Leave Britney Alone!” Then you would probably cross the street immediately to get away from them. Yet, on You Tube, this man is an Internet star. If you see a kid on the street flailing around with a light saber, you would think he might be having a seizure. Yet, on You Tube, this kid is a sensation. See a man cover himself with chocolate syrup and sing…you get the idea. Sadly, this is what our technology has delivered. Not flying cars, but the democratization of video broadcasting, and the people have spoken with a retarded clapping and clicking of mice, long may we be punished for it.

9) Rednecks Blowing Up Shit

Most people would not think it is a good idea to put several pounds of TNT into an old car and set it off while being within range of jagged metal shards. Yet, for people living where even Google maps doesn’t go, this is not just a good idea, but quality entertainment and must be shown to the world. ust a casual search through YouTube, one can see such quality programming as “Shooting a Full Propane Tank with a Shotgun” and “Blowing Up a Hornet Nest with An M-80.” While these videos may be entertaining for the many very predictable mishaps that occur, one should realize with sorrow that in watching these videos you are probably watching the true face of America.

8) Insane 9/11 Conspiracy Theories

Never mind the thousands of eyewitness accounts of the attacks, or the thousands of people dead or injured, or the scientific analysis of the attacks done by experts! There are people on You Tube and abroud stills of video footage that clearly show that the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001, were done by CIA agents who planted explosives in the twin towers while news agencies faked video footage and thousands of actors pretended to have relatives who died while space aliens worked with big oil to start a war in Iraq to capture the power of ancient ley lines that unleash the power of the Yeti! Clearly the Bush administration is not full of incompetent morons who can barely drink their way out of tough situations, but in reality full of evil super geniuses who can pull of the greatest conspiracy of the history of mankind and laugh about it from their lair atop Mount Skull! I think if a YouTube video did reveal the truth about a huge nefarious conspiracy, then the fabric of reality will break down, cats will chase apes, and the universe will explode in a shower of wooden buffalo nickels.

7) Fake Snuff Films

It’s one thing to want to search YouTube for snuff films. It is another thing entirely to come across something that is the lamest excuse for a snuff film that you can possibly imagine. If I can put a pair of pants next to a pair of shoes sticking out of a couch and say “Oh no! The couch just ate someone!” I will reflexively punch myself for being so stupid. If I further film this effort and put it on YouTube with the title of “MAN EATEN BY COUCH!II” Part of my brain will attempt to shut down in an effort to kill me. Other people apparently don’t have that higher brain function. These people post footage of a shirt with ground beef in it with the title “MANS HEAD EXPLODE!!!” They also post videos in which a generic explosion generated from a pirated copy of After Effects is so cool they have to make their friends blow up over and over again. Somewhere a time machine is being built to stop the invention of filmmaking.

6) Video Blogs of People Who Should Not Be Allowed to Make Video Blogs

Everyone wants to talk about him or herself, everyone wants to be liked, but very very very very few people have lives that are interesting enough for other people to want to sit through and want to listen to them talk about. Yet, YouTube is filled with videos, video blogs, “vlogs” or “eeeccchhh” where people with uninteresting lives talk about them as if someone is watching, intently, with interest, possibly taking notes to record these moments down in human history. Search through the darkness YouTube and you will see these stories of human tragedy played out over and over again as lonely individuals stare into their webcams, blather into them, and provide solid evidence for the validity of assisted suicide.

5) Star Wars Re-Edited With Star Trek Footage

Man, what is better than reading fanfic? Perhaps it’s seeing someone’s wet dream of the U.S.S. Enterprise fighting a Star Destroyer come to life by badly editing together footage from Return of the Jedi and “A Balance of Terror!” Never mind that almost nobody (other than TR readers) gives a damn, this person took the time and effort to put mismatched footage together in ways that crap on all the laws of aesthetics. Lasers and photon torpedoes are firing haphazardly as ships are flying at opposing angles in clearly different places in their respective universe. Awkward dialogue between actors transpires that if it were between two actual people, you would think that someone had suffered a stroke, and that someone was you. Admittedly, there are a few good ones, but overall, it’s yet another example as to why Apple is going to Hell for inventing iMovie.

4) Horrible Skateboarding Accidents

See as someone takes their skateboard to ride the handrail of a flight of stairs only to fall on their manhood, fall sideways, and crack their skull open. See then as someone asks the stupid question of “Dude, are you all right?” When clearly that question should have been asked before the skateboarder said “Watch this!” before he rode four feet above the hard concrete stairs on the board bought with the best money a minimum wage fast food job can buy, without a helmet, kneepads, or cup. See further footage of other people falling onto concrete played in slow motion so you can see the moment the compound fracture occurs and the orthopedic surgeon makes six figures. The most impressive part about these videos is that someone who is supposedly the friend of these injured people not only filmed their horrible accident, but put it up where anyone could see it. Now, that’s a friend for sure.

3) Crappy Bands‘ Crappy Videos

What’s that grainy, shaky footage? Is it hard-hitting investigative journalism of a Senator doing cocaine in Lincoln Bedroom? No, it’s footage of a band that sounds exactly like every band you hear on the radio except the drummer has no rhythm, the guitarists fumble through chords like they spent too much time playing Guitar Hero, and the lead singer screeches like a rake dragged across a rusty piece of sheet metal. All picked up by a crappy microphone with a crappy image on a crappy phone/video camera from 1992. The text for the video will tell you how awesome the band is as they play Slipknot covers at a bar that looks like it should be closed down for fifteen fire code violations to an audience of five people with collective intelligence of one cat. The only enjoyable part of this cinema crapburger is trying to guess which band members will become bitter middle-aged furniture salesmen, bitter middle-aged sociology professors, or dead of a heroin overdose.

2) A Teenage Girl Who Only Gets So Many Views Because Perverts Masturbate To Her

Is there not enough porn on the Internet for some people? Horrifyingly, no! You will see a video of a cute teenage girl. The video itself contains almost nothing of relevance. The girl will talk about her day of going around and looking at trees, then maybe have a video of her running around a park in fairy wings. There’s no great artistic expression, no deep narrative, nothing. There’s a sad tragedy to this, with a girl just wanting to be liked, but being liked mostly by people that if she met them in real life, she would spend the rest of her life trying to erase the darkness that fell upon her like the Marquis De Sade at a nudist colony.

1) Air Show Disasters Edited to Metallica Songs

A Russian Jet Fighter slams into a crowd of people at an air show. There is screaming, there is carnage, there is chaos. A horrifying accident captured on video. I think we can all agree nothing accuratelys capture the human drama of this moment than the soundtrack of Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls.” Yes, on YouTube, plane crashes and Metallica go together like peanut butter and jelly. The fast moving crushing metal of a B-52 slamming nose-first into the tarmac along with the fast crushing metal of “One.” Never mind that five people just died in a horrible accident; that’s just part of the ROCKING. Expect also to see biplanes torn apart as they collide in mid-air to “Enter Sandman,” and a passenger jet pin wheeling across the ocean to “Nothing Else Matters,” in this artistic expression of akin to a teenager shouting “Hulk Smash” before throwing a glass bottle on the concrete outside a convenience store.

Written by Hal Amen

Feature photo by _MaO_. Photo above by Tomas flickr.

You definitely don’t want to be caught breaking these rules when you’re a visitor.

We all know the old adage: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” But in some countries, it’s even more important NOT to do what the Romans AREN’T doing.

1. Disparaging the royal family in Thailand

Thailand takes its monarchy very seriously, to the extent that insulting the king or royal family, verbally or otherwise, carries a high price.

Just ask Oliver Jufer, a 57-year-old Swiss expat who ran afoul of the lèse majesté law when he defaced portraits of King Bhumibol Adulyadej after a few too many Beer Changs. A Thai court handed him 10 years in jail (out of a possible 75), but his sentence was later commuted by the same king he had affronted.

2. Showing affection in Dubai

Technically, it’s illegal to hold hands in public in this Emirati tourist hotspot. Try rounding all the bases, as two British beachgoers did in July of this year, and you could find yourself in court at the epicenter of a culture war.

3. Smoking in Bhutan

Simply bringing tobacco into this tiny Himalayan country is costly—you’ll pay a 100% tax at customs. Smoke in public and you’ll be out $225 more. But if for some reason you’re caught selling tobacco products…that might just land you in a Bhutanese prison on smuggling charges.

Photo by g-hat.

4. Tagging in Singapore

Among the long list of legally defined no-no’s in this tiny island nation—littering, jaywalking, and leaving a toilet unflushed, for example—is graffiti vandalism. Remember Michael Fay, the 18-year-old American who pled guilty to spray painting cars in Singapore? Then you probably also remember that he was jailed, fined, and given four strokes of the cane for his crime.

5. Romancing a local in Iran

Iranian law makes it illegal for non-Muslim men to maintain relationships with Muslim women. (Don’t get too excited, all you non-Muslim ladies out there—I’m sure it works the other way, too!) Though rare, arrests of Westerners on this charge are not unheard of, and it’s doubtful that an Iranian jail cell would be your first choice of where to spend the next few years of your life.

6. Carrying a firearm in El Salvador

To curb gun violence, this Central American nation has strict licensing requirements for firearms. Several tourists have been detained for allegedly violating these regulations, despite at first being led to believe they had obtained all the documents necessary to carry their gun in the country. Moral of the story: leave the weapons at home. Years-long prison terms await offenders.

Photo by Azizul Ameir.

7. Running drugs in Indonesia

You have to be pretty dumb to dabble in drug smuggling abroad, but even dumber to do so here. While many countries enforce tough drug laws, Indonesia’s are some of the toughest, calling for death by firing squad for those convicted of this crime, regardless of their country of origin.

8. Slaughtering a cow in India

Though it’s a misconception that “Hindus worship cows,” bovine slaughter is indeed illegal in a number of Indian states. In fact, protection of the animal is enshrined in the country’s constitution. Few perpetrators are actually punished, but the law allows for a hefty fine and imprisonment for up to five years. Just in case you were planning to open a slaughterhouse here, consider yourself warned.

9. Naming a teddy bear “Muhammad” in Sudan

Teacher Gillian Gibbons found this out the hard way when she allowed her Sudanese students to name the class teddy bear. They chose “Muhammad,” and she went to jail, charged with inciting religious hatred. Though the court spared her the prescribed 40 lashes, she spent eight tense days in custody before being released. Obviously, decrees governing insults to Islam in Sudan are no laughing matter.

10. Trafficking in cultural antiquities in Turkey

So you’ve found the perfect Turkish souvenir to take home and impress friends and family. But do you know the whole story? If your souvenir falls into the broad category of “antiquity” as defined by the Turkish legal system, and you lack the proper documentation for its possession, your departure from the country may be delayed while you become familiar with the inside of a Turkish prison cell.

Photo by WaveCult (luis.m.justino).

11. Taking a nip in Saudi Arabia

Officially, it’s against the law to consume alcohol in Saudi Arabia. Period. In reality, expats who live in certain areas are allowed to bend the rule, as long as they do it quietly behind closed doors. But for those who like to play it safe (or are looking for the perfect excuse to kick the booze habit), it’s best to go without. The alternative could be a public lashing.

12. Breaking and entering in the U.S.

Okay, okay. You don’t want to do this anywhere, and if you do, you deserve whatever punishment you get. But try it in the U.S., where as many as 50% of homeowners keep a gun in the house, and your fate might be decided well before the cops show up.