Written by James S. Huggins

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

Here is the problem: If the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth), every single one is absolutely guaranteed to explode into a major argument.

As a public service, I analyze each question and provide the possible answers.

#1: What are you thinking about?

The best answer to this is:

“I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which is, most likely, one of the following:

a. Baseball.

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best classic response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

#2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!”

If you feel a more detailed answer is in order:
“Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Yah, sure, you betcha.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said “yes”?

c. That depends on exactly what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

#3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic:
“Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I’ve seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

#4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
“Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.

c. Not as pretty as you, when you were her age.

d. It depends on how you define pretty.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

#5: What would you do if I died?

This is the all-time, no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette.”)

There is no good answer.

No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?

Man: Definitely not!

Woman: Why not? Don’t you like being married?

Man: Of course I do.

Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

Man: Okay, I’d get married again.

Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

Man: Yes, I would.

Woman: (After a long pause) Would you sleep with her in our bed?

Man: Where else would we sleep?

Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

Man: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.