Written by holytaco
Helping a girl move is like sitting through a screening of Beverly Hills Chihuahua with a clothespin on your ballsack: it’s completely miserable, it hurts like hell, and you gain absolutely nothing from it. Most girls have no idea how to move, which is why they’re asking for your help, and if you agree to help them then you’re willingly walking in to the shittiest day of your life. If you’re not convinced yet, here are 7 specific reasons why you should never help a girl move:
It’s Going to Take Way More Than Two Hours
Girls are terrible at gauging the time it takes to do things. This is why, if you make the mistake of going somewhere with a girl, you’re always going to be late. She’s going to tell you that it’ll only take two hours to move her entire apartment. She’s not deliberately lying to you on purpose. She just can’t tell how long things take to happen. She has absolutely no idea how long it takes to curl her own hair, let alone load, transport, and unload the entire contents of a one-bedroom apartment. Try not to be too harsh when you’re telling her that she’s completely bat-shit crazy.
You’re Going To Have To Drive The Moving Truck
One of the most terrible moving-related lies is the old "we can do it in one trip" line. It doesn’t matter that she rented the biggest f*cking truck that U-Haul had to offer. That just means that you’re going to have to drive that four-wheeled monstrosity back and forth across town for five hours while she sits in the passenger seat and bitches at you about how you need to be more cautious, because she didn’t get the insurance. She may even claim that she’ll handle the driving, but the moment it’s time to back out of the driveway or take a sharp corner, it’ll be you behind the wheel for the rest of the day. Also, you will hit something. You will.
The Couch Is Not Going To Fit Up The Stairs
We hate referencing the tv show Friends for anything (unless it’s some kind of "What’s more gay?"-type argument) but when it comes to moving couches, they totally nailed it. Staircase designers go to great lengths to ensure that stairwells are completely unsuitable for the transportation of couches. That’s like the first thing they teach you in staircase-making school. You may make it up one or two flights of stairs, but this girl that you’re helping doesn’t live on the first or second floor of her new building. She’s on the seventh floor, which means that your life is going to get about five times more miserable before you can even come back downstairs for the ridiculous collection of bookcases that she’s accumulated. It’s best to just avoid the situation altogether. Also, Ross is a pussy.
She Has Way More Shit Than She Thinks She Has
When girls are moving, they assess the amount of crap that they have like a self-conscious dude in a gang bang: they just awkwardly scan the room and consider only the things that are larger than they are. If you ask a girl right now what she has in her living room, she’ll probably say she has a couch, a tv, and a coffee table. I guarantee you that that’s about 1/30th of the contents of her living room. It’s not her fault, and she’s not doing it on purpose. She’s just not engineered to think about the tons and tons of useless shit she has scattered all over the place, because if she did then she would realize that she should just throw that shit away, and then she wouldn’t have all that junk, and then she wouldn’t be a girl, now would she?
You’re Worth More Than $7 Worth of Pizza and Beer
You’re about to spend an entire day lifting things that are way too heavy for you to be lifting, and you’re going to be doing that for way longer than you should. You’re probably going to suffer some serious spinal damage, and you’re going to be pissed off the whole time, and the last thing you need is to be drunk while you’re doing that. You think it’s hard to carry a futon matress when you’re perfectly sober? Try doing it when you can’t even see straight.
She’s Not Going To Help You At All
When she asks you if you’ll help her move, what she’s really saying is, "Will you pack up all of my belongings, drive me to my new apartment, and then unpack all of that shit while I organize my bathroom medicine cabinet?" If you would answer "No f*cking way" to that question, then you’d better use the same answer for her request for moving help, because while you’re trying to cram her dead grandma’s antique china cabinet into a way-too-small "service" elevator, she’ll be making sure the forks look tidy in the silverware drawer. That’s right: she’s not even going to use the f*cking 300-pound china cabinet to put the dishes in. In fact, there’s only one good reason to ever help a girl move, and unfortunately we’ve got some bad news for you:
She’s Not Going To Have Sex With You
That’s right: even after you’ve worked your ass off all day to carry every f*cking thing she owns up and down seven flights of stairs, she’s still not going to have sex with you. Of course, she realizes that’s the possibility of a good post-moving bonerfest is the only reason why you’re helping her, so it’s in her best interest to cultivate the possibility of gratitude sex for the entirety of the ordeal. Therefore, it will piss you off even more when she explains that she’s really tired from a long day of moving (read: hanging up her clothes in her closet while you tried to avoid being crushed by a credenza) and she just wants to go to sleep. You will end this day exhausted, pissed off, horny, drunk, and with a f*cked up back problem that’ll take years to fix. It’s all downhill from there, so just avoid it altogether and don’t ever help a girl move.
LoL! This is so true! Kudos to you my friend! I really, really love your articles.
Wow. Yet another sexist comedy list. Original.
Almost all of these are reasons not to help ANYONE move. But I guess a lot of readers here get their jollies laughing at women.
Yeah cos women are so self righteous and they cannot laugh at themselves. If you said similar things about guys there would be all these ugly, hairy underarmed sandal wearing dykes saying how true it was.
Suck it up princesses!
Is it just me or are these articles getting more and more misogynistic? I mean, I’m ALL for having a sense of humor but these are getting lame, lame, lame.
Feminism should be a crime.
It’s not just you, lady-day. I don’t mind articles where the humor is based in gender stereotyping, but the representation seems to lack equality over the past few months. It’s pretty telling when an article uses a ‘gang bang’ as a metephor for helping a guy comprehend a senerio.
Reason #8: Because you’re a 16 year old doofus with a small cock who’s taken control of a website that used to be pretty good. Seriously, stupid shit about video games and women bashing? You’re a fucking loser.
this website has taken a significant leap downwards. this shit isn’t even funny, and it sounds like the author just can’t get any play. Get your dick wet and stop spewing this sexist bullshit
“this website has taken a significant leap downwards. this shit isnโt even funny, and it sounds like the author just canโt get any play. Get your dick wet and stop spewing this sexist bullshit”
Well said. Over the last couple months this has gone from one of my favorite websites to “least read”….
Top reason you can’t get laid: You’re constantly sending out emails trashing the ladies.
Grow up.
I have personally been in this situation or variations of it four or five times. Twice this summer. I helped out because I wanted to but I went in knowing that the moving situation would suck, would take many times longer than stated, and that I will get absolutely nothing out of it.
I have also dogged out of this situation a few times and let the sucker who thought he was going to get something out of it donate a free day of grunt labor.
Believe me there is nothing remotely sexist or mysoginist about the situation. The writer’s tone is only for comedic effect but other than that I would have to say that it is more or less 100% true.
If a male friend askes me if I would be interested in helping him move I have almost alwas found that he intends to do at least his portion of the work, that things have been packed and organized by the time I show up, and that he will have gotten rid of redundant huge items such as sofas, love seats armoires etc.
Hilarious.
lol at all the feminists.
I bet some of the people who commented with a man’s name are girls.
I agree with ‘a’. I’m willing to put money on the fact that ‘sean’ and ‘mike’ are pussies (men or women).
Suck it up, the article is meant to be humourous. If you don’t like it, QUIT COMING BACK TO THE SITE. Seriously, do you feel the need to come back every week and defend yourself? If you don’t agree with it, leave! Don’t bitch about it because you don’t agree.
This is the internet. Welcome to the world of ‘Nobody cares what you think”.
Trevor, I hope you can appreciate what a hilarious exercise in hypocrisy your comment is.
I’m sorry, but this is not funny. Don’t get me wrong. I can tell you are trying really really hard to make it seem like you are witty and original, but misogyny is getting old.
Oh yeah, us girls are just horrible, blah blah blah. Look, I used to really enjoy getting this in my google reader, but all this stereotyping is getting a bit lame…
Well, have vowed never again to have a friend move me – my friend Peg and I hired a friend and his friend to move us for $175. We rented the truck too and bought weed, beer and pizza and they broke things (of course by accident), didn’t finish in one day and I had to call him to come back and help me move the rest and then to top it all off he got mad, call us lesbians (not true at all) and stormed out and I’ve never heard from him again.
Last time I paid a moving company $185, they came and loaded everything up, moved it in one trip with 2 guys and only took about 2 hours. I gave the guys a $20 tip and was happily in my new place.
thats not even fair
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None…feminism doesn’t change anything.
Ladies, learn to fucking laugh at yourself. If I can do it, so can you. It’s more likable.
And if you aren’t going to help the guy move, you owe him sex.