Written by Will Zweigart

Thanks to Facebook, mobile devices and impaired judgment, we’re only a few seconds (and clicks) away from staining our entire extended social network! That’s piece of mind in your pocket. To make sure you never appear on Facebook Fails, follow our how-not-to guide of the five most common Facebook faux pas.

1. Married Schmoopy Fail

Why whisper sweet nothings when you can shout hot garbage? Why practice safe sexts when you can PDA with your PDA? Excessive spousal schmoopiness is easily the most frequently occurring fail (at least in my circle), and the primary reason Facebook should create a “dislike” button. There’s even a specialty site for repeat offenders called STFU, Marrieds.

2. Mom Invasion Fail

She’s reading, she’s typing, she’s commenting and liking :). She’s poring over details, discovering secrets and crushing your game. And wherever Mom goes, Big Daddy is right behind.

(via Oh Crap. My Parents Joined Facebook)

3. Relationship Fail

It’s not officially awkward until it’s on Facebook.

4. Grammer Fail (sp?)

No spell check or auto-correct functions can stand between the fast-typing, carefree status updaters and the passive-aggressive grammar cops who love them.

5. Darwin Fail

Special thanks to the folks who enrich our lives by failing to grasp the basic concepts of food safety, unknowingly exploring the subtle joys of double irony, etc.

Send your friend’s status slips to [email protected].