Written by Toyama

We’ve all been there, the sore knees or dirty looks the next morning. At the time you thought it was a good idea. When the passion (or moral disregard) sweeps you up and you end up having sex somewhere you probably shouldn’t.  Don’t get me wrong, if I can get my “p” in a “v”, I’ll try basically anything that comes to mind, but there are certainly more desirable ways to do it than others. I’m going to take a look at the others…

I think I’ll do these in chronological order, as it’s probably funnier if you learn with me. The first time I had sex out of a bed it was an attempt on a black leather loveseat in my mom’s basement. Granted, the couch had absolutely no padding and was wrought with hard wood (pun intended, score) digging into us at all different angles, but the simple fact is that there is no way the both of you can get this done on a love-seat if you’re not experienced. I’ve watched a lot of porn and thought I worked well from example but that is simply not the case. I definitely could have passed a written test but when put into practice I failed miserably. You can’t go missionary as the couch is too short and there’s really nothing for you to get a good hold on and provide some serious thrusting action. The only thing that did kind of work to get one member in the other was me just sitting on the couch and her cowgirling me. Plus, all that butt sweat on the couch still freaks me out to this day. There wasn’t much thrusting action as we both kind of just sat there but her knees were killing her and we eventually moved to the carpet.

Which is also a terrible place to have sex. This is what the term rug burn was invented for. In a regular missionary, your knees are going to get dominated and the entire back of her body will be burning within two minutes. And not because of the Chlamydia you just gave her either. You can try every single position in the Kama Sutra but no matter how you slice it, somebody is going to have rug burn to the point of bleeding when it’s all over.

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The kitchen is in my opinion one of the hottest places to have sex. It just screams of “we shouldn’t be doing it here but we can’t really wait to get to the bedroom”. I’ve attempted counter-tops, bar stools and the kitchen table, and seen some pretty impressive work in videos too, but you should by no means drop to the tile. Tile is so painful to attempt to have sex on that I’ve never even made it past ten seconds. There’s that little point right below your kneecap, where your tibia ends, that your entire weight of your body is pressing on. Your knee will begin to hurt within seconds and I might say that this is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. If you absolutely must do it on the kitchen floor, I would suggest taping some potholders to your knees to minimize injury and bruising.

Which brings me to my next point. They’re called hardwood floors for a reason people. I know they look like they want you to root a special friend on them, but do yourself a favor, throw down a lambskin rug or something. Getting down in front of the fireplace on the hardwood floors does sound incredibly manly but, like the kitchen tiles, there will be bruising and any time you try to jockey some position that is functional in sex in any way, your knees will hurt like nothing else. If you can manage to get yourself a dead animal to have sex on, then by all means lay that rug out on the hardwood and let her rip. There’s really nothing like the feel of a lambskin rug on your back when your p’s in a v. Don’t forget to share the wealth though. You have to let her on her back and you do some of the work too. We are all equals now.

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When I was growing up, I couldn’t afford to move out until I was twenty so I got to have sex numerous times in my Volvo. Granted, I had some of the best times of my life under bridges in that piece of shit car but I also learned some serious lessons. The driver’s seat of a 1985 240DL does not go back far enough to make sex possible. Well, technically, I guess possible, but still, not really all that fun. And fun is what it should be all about. Let’s look at this from a mechanical point of view: The man will have to be on the bottom here, there’s just no way she’s gonna be sitting down and you could fire your unit down into her lap. No, I just don’t think so. Anyways, once we’ve got the girl in the boy’s lap, put the seat back all the way and unless you’re boning Kate Moss, her ass is going to be rubbing your steering wheel something fierce. Probably okay for you (until you want to drive back) but a pain in the ass for her (again, that pun was intended). Quit being a lazy ass and get her into the back seat. I have accomplished some amazing things in the back seat of that Volvo and you’ll be surprised just how much is possible. You’ll want to put both seats as far forward as they go and you’ll be pumped you didn’t spend all that money on a motel. A car is a great place to get laid if you can’t do it at home, but do yourself a favor and don’t even try it in the front seat.

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What is with you people that insist on having sex in public washrooms? I mean, first of all, that’s just nasty, people fecalate in there. My buddies have told me stories of getting laid in stalls. I don’t understand who is bashful enough to hide in the stall, but not self conscious enough to do it in a public washroom. You really think nobody knows what’s going on in there? Nasty. I guess it would be possible to bend her over the bowl and nail her from behind but then she has basically got her face in the toilet and you’re the jock giving her the swirly. The only other arrangement that makes any sense to me is having her sitting on the seat as if she’s deucing. Again, this is just gross but the public toilets that lack that front part of the seat might add a couple extra much needed inches of maneuvering space. I figure you’d have to be really comfortable with your balls repeatedly hitting porcelain. You will never catch me nailing some chick in a bathroom stall. If I’m ready enough to nail a chick in a public washroom, it’s going to be on the counter right next to the sink and soap. I’ve seen some incredible work done in videos having the chick sit up on a countertop. I’ve even done it myself in my own bathroom, but it was awesome height placement. Everybody was happy, especially me.

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In conclusion, public washroom stalls are the most uncomfortable place to have sex, not physically, but mentally. I’ve done it in a few places out of a bed but there’s just no way I could get any work done in a bathroom stall. The idea that people could walk in and mock my lackluster technique would bother me way too much. Plus it’s just disgusting.

Bonus:  Just Do It