Written by Jason
Not long ago I found myself making my first ever solo journey to IKEA. Soon after making it through the entrance I was surprised to see the many similarities our modern culture shares with the ancient Romans.
IKEA is incredibly intimidating. If you’ve ever gotten lost in a supermarket as a toddler, you’ll know what this feels like. The first thing you will try to do is find your mom’s hand. However, once you realize that you’re alone, panic will begin to set in. Today we’re going to give you a run down of the 5 types of people you’ll more than likely cross paths with while you’re lost and wandering around this hell hole for several hours.
The Mother of 3
Armed with a stroller, a hand bag, and three screaming kids this woman is probably the most dangerous person in IKEA. Lack of English skills and funds won’t stop this young lady from her goal of finding a new bedroom set/playpen combo. Unfortunately she’ll learn that bartering doesn’t work so well in this country, and will /ragequit out of the store at an even faster pace than she entered.
The Boyfriend Who Is Being Forced
The hardest thing about being a loyal boyfriend is the amount of ultimatums you’re eventually hit with. Let’s look at a quick example.
“Get rid of that nasty jersey”
“But honey I like it”
“Cool, no sex for you”
The boyfriend who was forced to shop at IKEA with his GF is in pure misery. His facial expression matches that of a dog which has just been roughed over pretty hard, but didn’t quite die. He’s sort of just waddling around with that “please shoot me” look in his eyes, all while contemplating if his old lady is worth the agony.
The Husband Who Was Lied To
The deceived husband was told that they were shopping for a TV stand and some racks for his power tools, but ended up in the bathroom section looking at the daffodil curtains that his wife waved in front of his face. The defeated husband will teeter on the border of depression and rage until he drinks his pain away watching the late game on ESPN.
The Old Man
This guy is freshly retired and really doesn’t know what to do with all of his free time. He’ll make several trips to this store for the breakfast specials alone. After that he’ll sort of walk around aimlessly and try to find a way to be helpful. He can usually tell you more about the product you’re looking at than the actual employees.
The Young Couple
The young couple has just made a big step in their relationship. This pair of lovebirds is made up of one eager girl and one terrified guy. While she is tugging at his hand, dreaming of a cozy living room and the possibility of babies, he is slowly feeling his hopes and dreams fade away. The whole scene resembles something you’d see on “Crocodile Hunter.” At first the croc will splash around being wild and dangerous, but once Steve Erwin is able to clamp those jaws shut, he pretty much just sits around in misery waiting for it to end.
Conclusion: IKEA has a website, I’d recommend using it rather than making a personal appearance. Seriously, a small piece of you will die.
nice written:)
This is got to be the dumbest article i’ve read on this site. It wasn’t even funny.
Totally agree with BP. A bunch of stupid, misogynist bullshit. If men don’t want to go, say “no.” How hard is that?
For the record, the last two times I’ve gone to Ikea, it was actually my boyfriend’s idea. I promised to buy him a new desk for his birthday, so the first trip was to get an idea of what he wanted, and the second to actually pick the desk up. No browsing for “pink” curtains was done, no dragging around the store. Just a straight shot to the desk to get the aisle number, the warehouse to pick up the parts, and to the cash register to pay for it. Don’t buy into the falsehood that all women like to shop!
I like when you quoted just the descriptive word pink. Your statement implies you shopped for curtains, just not “pink” ones. Salmon perhaps? Fuchsia?
Also, cute article.
Silly article. Completely fulfilled my objective of wasting time.
BTW, why didn’t you mention lunch and swedish meatballs. IKEA spends enough effort advertising them!
As a regular at Ikea, I found this article laugh out loud funny. I know all these people you speak of; I’ve been one of these people and have since learned to leave my husband and baby at home. I love IKEA! I also can put together any piece of crappy boxed furniture I open. My only complaint is that they should have more people help you load the half ton boxes of particle board into the car!
I didn’t find this at all misogynistic; anyone who took offense should just chill out…and have an IKEA hot dog, they’re delicious!
i work at IKEA. 🙂
this could’ve actually been a lot funnier than it was, though.
i mean, come on, everyone knows the weirdest people shop at IKEA.
Michelle, I think you need a root cos you got something stuck up there you raggy wench! It’s hardly misogynistic …sheesh!
i love the old man one.
So… Who’s the idiot who can’t see the GIANT ARROWS ON THE FLOOR directing you where to go? You can even bypass the whole furniture section, or pass through from the living room furnishings straight through the baby room furnishings. I don’t understand why reading signs is SO VERY hard to do… poor guys who can’t read.
And for the record, all the men that have ever accompanied me to IKEA have enjoyed the experience, and all the men I see when I go shopping there are just as engrossed in the process as their significant others, so whatever!
But I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the 3 IKEA stores I’ve visited are completely different from the one the author likes to visit… the people at his store are dumb.