Written by LoloBee

Living the single life definitely has it’s perks. I have the freedom to talk to whomever I please, drop $200 on a pair of shoes, and I can drive as stupidly as I like. However, there are downsides to being a single woman in my twenties who is actively dating. Experiences can be downright depressing to hilarious. Online dating is a great way to meet people as well as a great source of entertainment, along with a waste of an outfit. If you do any of these things below, you will not get laid by me.

1. Insist I call you anything other than your God-given name.

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You could not pay me to utter the words, “So, where did you grow up, Whip?” This means you soon will express your feelings in the third person. “Yeah, baby. Whip likes when you nibble on his ear.” NO THANKS.

2. Try to trick me into talking about my breasts by challenging me to a bet I never agreed to.

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‘OK, I know you’re not going to tell me, but if I correctly guess how big your tits are, then you owe me a kiss.’ That sounds like a real fucking treat. How about I try to guess how many Cris Angel DVDs you own and if I’m right, I get to get my period and catch a cab home?

3. Ask me to let you knock me up. First conversation. Never met. Actual IM transcript below:

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Me: I think I have a bad internet connection my comp keeps kicking me off, sorry

Him: I hope u suck as good as ur computer. can u say jackpot!! Me: Don’t be an asshole Him: you would probably stop calling me that after i hammered yours Me: Pig. BYE Him: well if god didnt intend for men to bang their girlfriends on their period, he wouldn’t have bed bath and beyond mail out 20% off coupons each month alongside the shamwow endcap. i’m thinkin’ combine both, shamwow and tampons, SHAMPONS. Him: I would want you to agree to not be on birth control Me: Whuuuuut. You’re JOKING. Is this why your ex dumped you? Him: no she cheated, well got raped at a party she had no business being at. Him: I just want u to agree to knock you up. It’s not donating a kidney. Me: I’d donate both first. Him: i don’t want you on birth control, will u agree to that if we have a say, 60 day rule Me: No Him: You don’t even know the 60 day rule Me: I don’t care, I read the first 7 words. Him: i would respect your choice to not get u pregnant in the first 2 months together. that is fair. Him: if i was ur bf what would u be doing now? Me: Checking to see if you poked holes in the condom. BYE

4. Follow me into the ladies room and hide in the next stall while I’m peeing.

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Once I emerge to go to the sink, call my name and I turn to see you in the handicap stall with your Dockers around your ankles beating off in an effort to entice me with first date bathroom stall sex with you. Then, as I’m storming off yell, “What? You said you were spontaneous!” Be the most psychotic douche lord ever by leaving me a voice mail later that evening expressing how much fun you had on our date and that you can’t wait to see me again.

5. Tell me I can’t take my box of leftover food from the restaurant in your car.

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Then, upon my irritated pressing, admit that you think “It’s trashy to take doggie bags and that it’ll make my car smell.” Having a clean car is good, respectable and responsible. Being sociopathically anal about your car is obsessive, creepy and controlling.

6. Ask if we can take my car since yours has puke in the backseat of it.

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Awesome. Because I don’t want to have more than one martini (with a roofie back, please) or anything on our date in order to endure your lame ass. This poses several questions: Whose puke is it? When did it happen? Why isn’t it cleaned up? You’d mentioned it was in the backseat. Was it from yesterday’s date who made the regretful decision to hop back there with you and vomited upon seeing your Tasmanian Devil tattoo on your chest? Why go on a date with your car in that shape? Why not make something less revolting up like your car engine was overheating earlier? Puke in your car? Classy maneuver, buddy. You’re gross.

7. Get mad at me for things I did before we met 18 minutes ago.

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Act like I told you I just blew the entire kitchen staff when I say you’re not the only guy I’ve been out with after you asked. We met on a dating website, stupid. Lose your shit, then inform me, using your best sales strategy, that you’re going to the men’s room to think about this and decide if you want to see me again or not. Before you storm off, believe me when I tell you I’ll be sitting on the edge of my seat awaiting your decision.

8. Tell me you have blood in your stool.

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We’ve been out a few times. I gave it a chance. It never happened and I suggest we part ways. In an effort to gain attention/sympathy, through heavy, deep sighs, gently break the news to me that you need to see a doctor for internal bleeding. ‘Well, Sabrina, I, uh, wasn’t going to tell you this, but, uh…*loud sigh*…Well, I have blood in my stool.” Shake your head in dismay, blink slowly, take another deep breath to signal that you’re going to be strong and composed now. Telling me anything about your stool is just disgusting. I can’t decide which is worse: The fact that you use the word “stool” or that you tell me you have blood in it.

9. Ask me to go someplace that doesn’t serve alcohol.

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I like coffee. A coffee date will not get you laid. If there aren’t cocktails, it’s not a real date and just proves to me that you don’t know what you’re doing. Alcohol increases your chances, queerling.

10. Comment on the fact that you think the chutney on your chicken “looks like poo.”

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Sick. Are you five? There is no word less sexy than “poo.” Associating your entree with the word “poo” is at the very least, unappetizing. “Poop” might have been slightly less vomit-inducing, but still won’t get you laid.

11. Brag about treating your boys to an expensive dinner in Los Angeles.

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Then laugh manically and offer me a fist bump after telling me you canceled your credit card the next day.

12. Get shit-housed and tell me you love me after 3 days.

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Then totally disregard my request to not say it again, then say it 4 more times. If we ever slept together, it would probably take me 40 minutes to fall asleep. 39 of them spent trying to ignore you gazing up at me as you lay on your stomach with your chin posted up on your fists, and one minute spent awaiting your return with the Ambian I requested.

13. Ask me to come to your house to watch a movie on our first date.

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Cheap. Sleazy. No effort. Or you don’t have a car.

14. Ask me to do some activity that requires me to wear a sports bra.

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If I wanted to exercise on a date, I’d dangle Levi Johnston’s jock strap in front of Richard Simmons’ face and run like hell.