Written by [Redacted] Guy

Oh, hey, Lemondrop readers. I’m writing to you from the Mariana Trench–level depths of a reasonably significant hangover. The reason I tell you this is because I think I have some helpful information for those of you out there who also like to take a drink now again: The best way to combat a particularly rough day after is to Think Positively.

So, today’s column is all about positives. Lady positives! I was reminded yesterday, while out with friends, drinking said drinks, of the many small marvels of the human female. There was a girl a table over, with a black and white dress and Christina Hendricks proportions … and we were all just collectively floored by her. Even my gay friend whispered, “That woman’s body! It just won’t quit.”

And it wouldn’t. It would not quit.

I should have said a word or six to her, but I was too timid and then she was gone, her curves filing themselves away in my brain parts.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the other, less obvious stuff that men love about women (that is, besides the way they look in tight black-and-white dresses). Because there are tons, and whenever guys are writing about women (I’m just as guilty as the rest, on occasion), it’s usually telling them what they’re doing wrong. Even my female editor seemed suspicious. (She was all “OK, crazy, why don’t you make a list, and then I’ll tell you what a repulsive pervert you are,” because she’s a reincarnated Viking who grows powerful from my tears.) But I was determined.

So, without further ado, here are 10 Things That Only Women Can Do That I (and Most Guys in Their Right Minds) Love.

1. The Casual Touch

Oh, God, I love this so much. When, out of the blue, a girl will place a hand on your arm while she’s laughing, or pick something out of your hair, or fix your collar. There’s something so divine about an unexpected, casual, sweet touch like this. It’s so beautiful and tiny and makes us feel all warm and happy. Of course, if it happens below the waist I fire six-shooters into the air and madly dance in place like Yosemite Sam.

2. The “Real Drink” Order

When a gal orders a scotch or a bourbon, I’m pretty much on Orbitz looking for our elopement flights. I’ve caught some flak for mentioning that a vodka tonic is a shameful drink, and I might back away from it now as I’ve had a few this summer and there is something nice and uncomplicated about them, but as girl drink orders go, they’re a bit unoriginal. But when a woman orders up something brown, I’m all “I will make sure your diamond is not a conflict diamond!” Also, add to this a lady who insists on picking up a round. That’s always great. I have no problem paying (chivalry isn’t dead, according to those Chivas ads), but when a girl is like, “No, you got the first few, Slim, I got this one,” I’m all “My parents will totally help your parents find the right caterer.”

3. Being Good in a Crowd

A huge turn-off for me is when a woman acts possessive or turns into a clinging mute in the company of others. But! This is a column about positives, and therefore this is about how much I love when a woman I’m with is comfortable around new people without getting eerily quiet and hovering around the periphery of a conversation with that creepy mute focus that you see in movies about women who eventually go nuts and telekinetically murder an entire town. She’s a fine actor and probably a nice woman, but I don’t want to date Sissy Spacek. Yet you gals out there who tackle social situations, the “screw it” crew who just go with it and don’t shrink like people say violets do — you’re tops!

4. Liking Blowjobs

Note: I didn’t say loving blowjobs. The line between liking blowjays and loving blowjays is seeming like you enjoy tuning a guy’s horn and seeming like you enjoy posting clips on YouPorn of you taking on 10-piece Mariachi bands. Enjoying the act — yay! Moaning about much you looooove it when a guy palms yours ears? A bit too much.

5. Girl Smell

How the hell do you do it? I take showers, I use shampoo, yet how come bluebirds don’t follow my scent when I walk outside? The way girls smell is one of the wonders of science, right next to dark matter and Hayden Christensen’s still getting speaking roles. You used my shower and my 2-in-1 shampoo and still your hair smells like hope and passion fruit! HOW?

6. The Way You Casually Destroy Other Women

I have plenty of lady friends and, to a woman, they’re pretty much sweet and smart and sane. Yet if they don’t like another woman at the party / bar / corner office, they effortlessly morph into Ian McShane from “Deadwood”: “Oh, that chick is swine, swine, I wouldn’t @#% that #$!@ with a #@!*&.” Oh well, thanks for the clarification, sweet little Anne from Georgia in the sundress who usually says, “Aw, fudge!” when she stubs her toe.

7. Elbows

I don’t know why, but lady elbows are hilarious and cute. Look at your little elbows! What are they doing there? Oh, just introducing your forearm to your bicep? How pleasant!

8. All That Crap in Your Bag

Some dudes might be all “Why do you have to carry so much with you everywhere in that ridiculously huge bag?” But not me. I love girls and their ridiculously huge bags and all the crap that’s in them. Just yesterday I was pawing through a friend’s purse in a “needless item” fugue. You should have seen the stuff she had! If someone burst into the bar and was all “Quick, I require a sewing needle, 20 pounds of glossy magazines, a deck of cards, not one but two combs, matches, a heavy-flow tampon, a tungsten rod and Serbian President Boris Tadic’s autobiography — and step on it!” I could have produced said items from my friend’s bag. It’s 100 degrees outside, and she’s willing to lug around a metric ton of nonsense? Brilliant.

9. The Fact That You Think That Air Conditioner Is Too Heavy to Lift

Adorable.

10. Accents

All of them, really. Hey, I know you can’t help it if you don’t have one, but you’re also the same gender who will sleep with just about any Australian dude and most Brits, so live and let live, ladies. If I meet a gal and she’s got any kind of accent — Southern, Italian , Baltimorean — I pretty much turn into an erection with eyebrows. I think we should all just fall in love with people who have different accents than we do. I could listen to a chick with a French accent read the shooting script to “Garden State” in full exaltation mode.

I could go on and on. Women on motorcycles, women on congressional subcommittees, women on “The Price Is Right” who excel at Plinko … it’s really endless. So, next time you see me checking you out, realize it’s not just about your boobs and butt, it’s also about the way you passive-aggressively flip magazine pages during sporting events.

Bonus:  Lisa Simpson’s wedding is tomorrow.

PETA
Because apparently, you should respect animals, not women.  (source)

Bonus: please take me home, please

Written by Michelle Crouch

We asked two dozen servers to reveal what goes on behind the kitchen doors.

1.What You’re Really Swallowing

In most restaurants, after 8 p.m. or so, all the coffee is decaf because no one wants to clean two different coffeepots. I’ll bring out a tray with 12 coffees on it and give some to the customers who ordered regular, others to the ones who ordered decaf. But they’re all decaf.

—Charity Ohlund

2.What You Don’t Want to Know

We put sugar in our kids’ meals so kids will like them more. Seriously. We even put extra sugar in the dough for the kids’ pizzas.

—Waitress at a well-known pizza chain

3.What We Lie About

If you’re a vegetarian and you ask if we use vegetable stock, I’m going to say yes, even if we don’t. You’ll never know the difference.

4.What You Don’t Want to Know

At a lot of restaurants, the special is whatever they need to sell before it goes bad. Especially watch out for the soup of the day. If it contains fish or if it’s some kind of “gumbo,” it’s probably the stuff they’re trying to get rid of.

—Kathy Kniss, who waited tables for ten years in Los Angeles

5.What You Don’t Want to Know

Now that I’ve worked in a restaurant, I never ask for lemon in a drink. Everybody touches them. Nobody washes them. We just peel the stickers off, cut them up, and throw them in your iced tea.

—Charity Ohlund, Kansas City waitress

6.What You Don’t Want to Know

If you ask me how many calories are in a particular dish, I’m not allowed to tell you even if I know. I’m supposed to say, “All that information is available online.”

—Waitress at a well-known pizza chain

7.What You Don’t Want to Know

I’ve never seen anybody do anything to your food, but I have seen servers mess with your credit card. If a server doesn’t like you, he might try to embarrass you in front of your business associate or date by bringing your credit card back and saying, “Do you have another card? This one didn’t go through.”

—Charity Ohlund

8.What You’re Really Swallowing

Skim milk is almost never skim milk. Very few restaurants outside Starbucks carry whole milk, 2 percent milk, skim milk, and half-and-half; it’s just not practical.

—Chris

9.What You’re Really Swallowing

Some places buy salad dressings in one-gallon jars, then add a few ingredients, like a blue cheese crumble or fresh herbs, and call it homemade on the menu.

—Former waiter Jake Blanton, who spent ten years in restaurants in Virginia, North Carolina, and California

10.What Drives Us Crazy

The single greatest way to get your waiter to hate you? Ask for hot tea. For some reason, an industry that’s managed to streamline everything else hasn’t been able to streamline that. You’ve got to get a pot, boil the water, get the lemons, get the honey, bring a cup and spoon. It’s a lot of work for little reward.

—Christopher Fehlinger, maître d’ at a popular New York City restaurant

11.What We Want You to Know

In many restaurants, the tips are pooled, so if you have a bad experience with the server, you’re stiffing the bartender who made your drinks, the water boy who poured your water, sometimes the hostess, the food runners, and maybe the other waiters.

—Christopher Fehlinger

12.What We Want You to Know

Even at the best breakfast buffet in the world, 99 times out of 100, the big pan of scrambled eggs is made from a powder.

—Jake Blanton

13.What We Want You to Know

People think that just because your food took a long time, it’s the server’s fault. Nine times out of ten, it’s the kitchen. Or it’s the fact that you ordered a well-done burger.

—Judi Santana

14.What We Want You to Know

When you’re with the woman who’s not your wife, you’re a lot nicer to us, probably because you know that we know it’s not your wife.

—Caroline Radaj, waitress at a members-only club outside Milwaukee

15.How to Be a Good Customer

It’s much easier to be recognized as a regular on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays. Once you’re recognized as a regular, good things start to happen. You’ll find your wineglass gets filled without being put on your bill, or the chef might bring you a sample.

—Christopher Fehlinger

16.How to Be a Good Customer

Avoid Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day like the black plague. It’s crazy busy, so they’re not going to be able to pay as much attention to quality. Plus, they bring out a special menu where everything is overpriced.

—Steve Dublanica

17.How to Be a Good Customer

If the restaurant is busy and your child is shy, please order for him. Kids can sit there forever trying to decide, or they whisper and you can’t hear them. Meanwhile, the people at the next table are yelling at you to come over.

—Derek Dudley, a waiter at a casual pizza restaurant in Phoenix

18.What You Need to Know About Tipping

The best tippers tend to be middle-class or people who have worked for everything they have, not the really wealthy or the kid who inherited the trust fund. Which is not to say that we mind if you use coupons. But when you do, tip on the amount the bill would have been without them.

—Judi Santana

19.What You Need to Know About Tipping

First dates, especially blind Internet dates, are great for tips. You know he’ll probably order a bottle of wine and leave a 20 to 25 percent tip because he’s showing off.

—Jeremy Burton, waiter at a grill in southwest Michigan

20.What Else We’d Like You to Know

Don’t order fish on Sunday or Monday. The fish deliveries are usually twice a week, so Tuesday through Friday are great days. Or ask the restaurant when they get theirs.

—Steve Dublanica

Check out the Wendy’s review at Google. Shit be real.     (source)

Where did this summer go? Seriously. Even as we near the dog days of August, some of us still look pasty white — on purpose. Yeah, we know a tan’s a great accessory to a sundress, but cancer? We’re not really into that. That’s why we’re serious about how we protect ourselves. (Besides, we don’t want to have to reevaluate our term life insurance policy or start having regular checkups to get that weird mole checked out; we’re busy enough as it is.) So check out these tips, spread on the sunblock, and enjoy that margarita guilt-free.

Via: Term Life Insurance

Written by Sam Wow

Ah…poor little turtle. He’s so ambitious…and he just barely makes a break for it. Maybe next time my slow and steady mate…maybe next time.

Facebook arguments are just a daily routine, but ending an argument with a perfect punch is awesome. And it’s even more awesome when you finish it off with proper punctuations and grammar.

via Lamebook

source