Written by thetoiletpaper

Women come in all shapes and sizes. Just ask Oprah. Nowhere is this more true than a college campus. With that in mind, here is TTP’s breakdown of 12 of the girls you’ll meet in college. Gentlemen, choose wisely and choose often.

1. The Cheerleader – A hot blonde chick that only wants to score scholarship athletes. After coming up short with the big boys of basketball and football, she’ll eventually settle in as “equipment manager” for a niche sports team, like rugby.

2. The Phantom Boyfriend – A fun, good looking, easy-going gal who’s everything you’re looking for in a mate. Unfortunately, before things ever get cookin’ she sneaks in a comment about her boyfriend who’s at home, at another college, or in the military.

3. The Courtney Love – This mess of a broad is a stinky drunk not afraid to do anyone or anything. If you listen close you can almost hear her herpes beckoning you to her loins like the sirens from Greek mythology. Stick with the BJ.

4. The Friedan – You can’t take an English class without running into one of these broads. The Friedan loves Charlotte Bronte, may eschew makeup and form fitting clothes, hates this list, and probably despises The Toilet Paper as a whole.

5. The Chastity Belt – A girl who’s cute as a button, but never lets loose because she’s too busy with Bible Camp and church choir. More than likely a virgin, or at least a born again virgin. She’s worth keeping an eye on for her final semester, “Oh-crap-what-have-I-been-doing-for-three-and-a-half-years breakdown” where she’ll make up for lost time very quickly.

6. The Rhoda – Makes a living upstairs. Kiss her, give her hickeys on her neck, juggle her boobs, all good. Anything below the belt and she either smacks the shit out of you or suggests you “take a break.” Either way run like hell. This broad is either insane or packing a surprise you never want to discover.

7. The Cialis – You haven’t been teased like this since the bus ride home after your classmates caught you eating a booger. Whether she’s inviting herself over for a movie night, or getting Danny Devito drunk and making you walk her home, it always seems like you’re one exit away from pound town. Sorry guys, not happening.

8. The Lesbo Possessive Friend of the Chick You Hook Up With That Hates You – You’ll know this when you see it. May also be a Friedan.

9. The Book Worm – Hobbies include asking questions in class, registering for the GRE, and drinking Diet Cokes at the library. The Book Worm is a close cousin of the Chastity Belt, but for one weekend a semester, right after midterms and before she starts studying for fianls, the Worm leaves the library and lets loose.

10. The Guarantee – Usually good looking enough, but often overloaded with baggage. There’s at least one per dorm, if not one per floor. You try to stay away, but then 2 a.m. rolls around and you got squat. Enjoy, but be sure to wrap your rascal and under no circumstances fall in love with her, get in a fight over her, or let her get in the way of other potential scores.

11. The Non-Conformist – This gal is hip to the nines with a rugged edge. With a wacky hairdo, overstated make-up and tattooed arm sleeves she exudes hip. However, deep down inside she is nothing more than a little girl with a broken heart who was never kissed in high school. Now as she has blossomed she is looking to score and be a hellcat doing it. Don’t date her, but yes by all means take her camping for a weekend.

12. The World Cup – She only comes around once every four years, but one night with her is enough to change your life. There’s no preparing for a W.C., but if you pass her up, she won’t be around again.