Written by Eskimo Bro

So I finally got cable TV in my first post-grad apartment this morning and it got me thinking about all the things that you need to lock down when you move into a new city. Although moving sucks, it doesn’t end when you finish unpacking the boxes. Every Bro needs to find certain spots (and a few people) in a new city to make his own — here’s our list of the top 20 items to put on your priority list.

BARS

Neighborhood Bar

Find a local bar that’s near your place where you get to know the regulars, bartenders, and waitresses. Soon enough you’ll be a regular yourself, which will get you free drinks and help you impress the local talent. This is also a great spot to blow off some steam after having to deal with those fucking passive-aggressive emails your boss sends you all day.

Football Bar

You need to find a bar in your city that supports your hometown NFL squad. This bar will have your team playing every week and it’s always a good time when everyone in the bar is rooting for the opponent’s quarterback to get sacked.

Alumni Bar

This one’s important. Identify what local bars are hangout spots for your school’s alumni — especially around football and basketball season. You’ll run into old friends and maybe some alumni with jobs to peddle. You might even cross paths with that chick from college that you always wanted to bang and hopefully now you can now that you have a job and a little bit of money.

Late-Night Drinks

There’s nothing like those late nights back in the dorm room or frat house you used to have in college. Sure, every now and again you’ll get a solid gathering back at your post-grad apartment to drink yourself into oblivion, but this does not happen often. You need to find a bar that is open late, later than they legally should be. Plus, any girl you can find out after 4 a.m. without an arm already around her shoulder is definitely DTF.

Brunch Spot

Finding a cool brunch spot is a great way to get your Fraturdays and Fundays back. I’m not really even talking about finding a place to eat, although those are especially important for morning afters. You should be able to find a day-drinking extravaganza spot that serves solid food as well.

FOOD SPOTS

Breakfast/Coffee Spot (or Cart)

Try to find a coffee shop that’s on the way to the office. Look for a place with fast service and minimal lines. Hot baristas don’t hurt either.

‘Go-To’ Lunch Spot

Working sucks (unless you work for BroBible) and you need a spot to get away for an hour or at least a few minutes. Find a place near your office that has solid and affordable food and get to know the people who work there.

Pizza Place

Pizza is a great source of fuel for bros. It’s cheap and fucking delicious. Don’t cop out and order Domino’s when you’re looking for a slice. Find a good pizza spot around your place — it doesn’t hurt if it’s open late and they deliver (most obviously do).

Takeout/Delivery Spot(s)

A great delivery place is a Sunday hangover’s best friend (besides weed). It’s essential to have a great sando or General Tsao’s only a phone call away.

Late-Night Food Spot

Unfortunately, after college there isn’t always a wide variety of late-night restaurants open to satisfy your drunken munchies. However, there are usually a couple places open late depending on what city you live in. Identify these spots early and continue with your late night-plastered meal shenanigans.

IMPRESS THE LADIES

Dog Park

The local dog park is a hot bed of local talent. Even if you don’t have a dog, borrow a friend’s and go try to meet chicks at the dog run. Most likely, if her dog lets your dog hump it, she will let you hump her later.

Date Spot

Up until recently I have been 110% against dating. There is no point to dating in college when there are dozens of sorostitutes throwing themselves at you. Then I graduated (worst decision of my life) and realized you have to get a little more creative than chugging Burnett’s with freshman girls and hoping one of them falls on your dick. Don’t get me wrong, there is still pussy to be had; it just takes a little more finesse. Once you find a girl whose number you actually want to call, she’ll expect some type of date. Find a go-to place like a park, pier, cool rooftop bar, or casual but cozy restaurant to take the keepers.

Local Slam Piece

Not ready for the dating scene? Don’t worry, I’m not necessarily advocating getting a girlfriend and completely throwing your youth away right after college. But you should definitely try to find a local chick that lets you have regular access to her tits and lower lips without needing to wine and dine her.

Laundry

Unless you have laundry in your apartment building, you can go one of two ways on this one. If you’re like me and don’t have any patience for doing laundry and are incapable of folding clothes, you should find a cheap and quick wash & fold. If you’re not trying to shell out for the mom-quality fold jobs from your local Asian cleaners, you should try to find a place where there are consistently hot girls doing their laundry. If you can find a hot chick that can fold like the Mexican housekeeper your mom used to hire, make a move and maybe you can get her to do your laundry as well. If you’re wearing a suit to work every day, a trusted dry cleaner — a place that won’t fuck up your shirts and will take care of stains no questions asked — is also valuable.

SPORTS AND WORKING OUT

A Place to Play Your Favorite Sport

Whatever your sport is, most cities have a place for you to play it. Join a men’s league, a co-ed (or not) beer league, or find a spot to play pick-up. There’s nothing like playing your favorite sport to keep that competitive edge. Kickball and dodgeball don’t count.

Gym

There’s nothing like a power lift to start your not-so-productive day at work. If you’ve got good “gym game,” you could pick up a local slam piece here, too.

Run Route

For all you runners out there (myself not included) it’s nice to have a route that you know well to take your daily, weekly, monthly, or annual runs.

VICES

Weed Guy

This is one of the first things to lock down when you move to a new city. For you lucky bastards who live in California you can just walk right over to your neighborhood marijuana dispensary. In New York, the delivery services are pretty easy to come across. For everyone else, just keep your ear to the ground and I’m sure you’ll find a guy.

Strip Club

It’s an expensive habit, but being a regular at your favorite strip joint is crucial. I know not everyone loves strip clubs and to be honest I didn’t either; that is until I found myself a nice, classy strip club I could call my own. Get to know the bouncers, waitresses, and especially the strippers. They’ll take care of you if you take care of them.

Local Rub & Tug

There’s nothing like a happy-ending massage after a stressful week at work. Just close your eyes and let the imported Asian college student do the rest.

Bonus:

Being a polymer scientist, I can’t look at porn or nudity. So I have to get creative.

Being an electrical engineer, I can’t look at porn or nudity. So I have to get creative.