Written by craigslist

After a long chat about life, politics, and your future career in interior design, you asked me, a man nearly a decade your senior, something like, “What have you learned over the last ten years that you think I should know?” I offered some boilerplate platitude like, “Don’t limit your options because you never know where you’ll end up.” I’m sorry. I wanted to give you some real advice, but I was afraid of offending you. We spoke for a little longer, and I was building up the courage to tell you the truth, but before I could get to the good stuff your beefy bartender boyfriend (who stared at me menacingly the entire time that you and I spoke) whisked you away. Please accept the following paragraphs as the advice I didn’t give but should have.

First of all, your boyfriend is a fucktard loser, and if he’s the kind of guy you usually date you are in real trouble. I’ll admit he’s a good looking fellow: Strong jaw and big muscles, but he is also a moron and has two kids. Jesus, how old is he, twenty-five? And he already has two kids? What the hell are you thinking? Those little bastards aren’t free and if he mans-up to his responsibility he will spend the rest of his life broke. If he doesn’t man-up he is an even bigger loser and you should definitely drop him. I’m not saying you should get with me or anything, I’m thirty and bald and aware of my chances with the nubile tastiness that is you, but you live in a city chock full of universities and I’m sure you can find someone young, good looking, and smart enough to wear a fucking condom when he does the nasty.

Speaking of sex, you need to be careful. Really careful. Drug development is expensive and when big pharmaceuticals make a medicine for a disease it is because that disease is (1) very common; (2) bad enough that people are willing to pay $$$ to treat it; and (3) going to be around long enough for them to get their money back. All those Valtrex commercials you see on TV are telling you that lots of people have herpes. But you don’t know anyone who has herpes, do you? That’s because men who have it don’t tell their partners. You should be prepared for the worst. I’ve never had any STDs, partly because being bald makes getting laid nearly impossible, but also because I use condoms EVERY TIME I HAVE SEX. You should too. Just because you’re not willing to risk your health for a guy doesn’t mean you don’t like him, love him, or want to be with him. It just means that you have a head on your shoulders and some self respect.

Finally, about your career. Honestly, it really isn’t much of one. You live in the Bay. There are enough gay men around here to design and decorate every doghouse, outhouse, whorehouse, and courthouse for 700 miles. Every man you talk to knows this and we all mean to tell you, but you are really hot and humoring you is a condition precedent to licking and sticking your honey pot. Seriously, you really need to think more about exactly what you are going to do for a living because if you end up with Mr. Fucktard, or any facsimile thereof, you will likely be supporting yourself for many years to come.

Good luck and best wishes,

-The Short Bald Guy

Bonus:Dad at Justin Beiber concert