Written by stephaniem
Tisâ the season to be stressed out because you have absolutely no idea what gift to get that special lady friend, but Iâm here to help. I am an expert in getting horrendous gifts and completely freaking out on the inconsiderate jerkbag that decided a Sham Wow was the way to go this Christmas.
I have compiled a list to assist! Below you will find the top things to ensure you have a happy, knife-wound free holiday with that special bitch in your life. Take note guys, these will save you a trip to the emergency room and/or divorce court. Share!
10. Any Special / On Sale Jewelry
Please for the love of all that is good and fashionableâŠstop buying heart-shaped pendants with matching earrings and bracelets, fellas. I know the abundance of lame jewelry store ads make cheap, bad necklaces seem like the right thing to do, butâŠit isnât. How about you try planning for Christmas before December 24th, save your dough and buy her something she deserves and not from some mall jeweler that believes rings shaped like two hearts hugging are in fashion.
9. Electronics
Women donât care about the latest and greatest from technerds.com â we understand you guys want your iTouch, iPhones and iPads, but giving us electronics is a ginormous iFuckingLoatheYou right to the face. We donât care if our television is LCD or if we have a blue tooth for our drive home. We know itâs for you anyway and honestly, most of us donât even know what any of that electronic crap does. We want pretty, nice things, not something that will distract you from sexing us up later or doing the laundry. Stop being so selfish, asshole.
8. Kitchen Supplies
I swear to Jesus if you donât know the non-kitchen supply rule by now, you deserve to be cheated on. The last thing your woman wants to open up on Christmas morning is a reminder of the huge meal she has to prepare all by herself (mainly because your lazy ass is already drunk on eggnog) and no device you buy her from Williams-Sonoma is going to make her personal hell any easier to swallow. Maybe you should stick a bottle of vodka in her stocking so she can forget what a fucktarded cockbag she married.
7. Lingerie
You donât know our size and you sure as hell donât know what looks good on us. I understand that nothing turns you guys on more than some lacy, red thing you see in the window of your local Frederickâs shop, but trust me, guys, bad move. Iâm okay with dressing up like a skank for my man, but some women find it demeaning (uptight bitches); I donât know if a conversation about how the only reason you bought her this slutty outfit is because youâre addicted to porn is one best served chilly and in front of the Christmas tree.
6. Exercise Equipment
I donât care if your chunkalicious wife keeps mentioning how bad she wants to get in shape and she needs a treadmill â she will hate you forever if you stick that baby under the tree. Itâs one thing to encourage her big booty to get to the gym and work off her âbaby weightâ (even though your kids are in college), but itâs another to stick something under the tree that screams âI agree, Biggie! You need to slim that fat ass down!â Plus, you know she wonât use it, it will collect dust and will just cause fights about how tired she is and how you donât help out when you bring up that she doesnât use it anymore.
5. Car Related Items
GPâŠwhat? I have no sense of direction, but I donât give a damn if Iâm late and/or if my boyfriend gets upset. Buying her anything for her car isnât for herâŠitâs for you. She doesnât care that her car is messy. She doesnât use that sunshield thingy you bought her for Valentineâs Day and she certainly wonât use one of those snow brush devices to scrape off ice because she will lose it in the mess of her car and just end up scraping her windows with a credit card like sheâs done since she was 16.
4. Beauty Supplies
I know you guys see the piles and piles of anti-aging cream and exfoliating scrubs in the bathroom, but resist the urge to participate. If we unwrap anything that even indicates we look older than 30 you will get a death stare followed by a flood of tears and the ever-so-popular âNo, I love it, honey. Thanks. Sniffle.â Buy her a gift certificate to a spa or Sephora. Donât try to be a plastic surgeon.
3. A Stripper Pole
This has happened. My friend took a stripper class to get into shape and her husband shoved a pole under the tree the next year. WE ARENâT GOING TO THOSE CLASSES FOR YOU, DUMB ASS. I know youâre just dying to see what we are up to and you wanna see your ladyâs new-found talents, but installing one of these in your house will only ensure your disappointment when you realize she sucks. Plus she will have all the ammo she needs to start accusing you of going to strip clubs all the time and not being happy with the ârealâ woman in your life.
2. Anything from Walgreens
I donât care if itâs candy, stuffed animals or candles. We will know. That place has a distinct, weird smell and the second we open that wrapping paper it will waft out. Plus, most everything there is crap and literally has âAs Seen on TVâ on the box. Again, I donât care if they are the only store open on Christmas Eve; plan better, idiot.
1. Pictures of Yourself
I get that you are trying to be romantic here, but if we want to show your grubby mug in our office, we will snap a pic, print it out and frame it. This gift screams cheap and insecure. Are you that narcissistic to go through the pictures, find the one that you look the most handsome in and then give it to your sweetie? If so, how about you buy her a camera and you get some therapy, egomaniac.