Collected by Things obama has done

I’m sick and tired of people asking “What has Obama done?” So here’s a list of things he’s done since he’s been in office. Remember: He was elected President. He wasn’t elected Jesus!
The list is still growing. Let me know if I missed anything.

THIS LIST IS NOT DONE / UPDATED. IT IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION

1. Saved the collapse of the American automotive industry by making GM restructure before bailing them out, and putting incentive money to help the industry

2. Shifted the focus of the war from Iraq to Afghanistan, and putting the emphasis on reducing terrorism where it should have been all along

3. Relaxed Anti-American tensions throughout the world

4. Signed order to close the prisoner “torture camp” at Guantanamo Bay

5. Has made the environment a national priority, and a primary source for job creation

6. Has made education a national priority by putting emphasis and money behind new ideas like charter schools, but speaking directly to school children in telling them they have to do their part.

7. Won the Nobel Peace Prize

8. $789 billion economic stimulus plan

9. Appointment of first Latina to the Supreme Court

10. Attractive tax write-offs for those who buy hybrid automobiles

11. Authorized construction/opening of additional health centers to care for veterans

12. Renewed dialogue with NATO and other allies and partners on strategic issues.

13. Beginning the process of reforming and restructuring the military 20 years after the Cold War to a more modern fighting force… this includes new procurement policies, increasing size of military, new technology and cyber units and operations, etc.

14. Better body armor is now being provided to our troops

15. “Cash for clunkers” program offers vouchers to trade in fuel inefficient, polluting old cars for new cars; stimulates auto sales

16. Changed the failing/status quo military command in Afghanistan

17. Closed offshore tax safe havens

18. Deployed additional troops to Afghanistan

19. Ended media “blackout” on war casualties; reporting full information

20. Ended previous policy of awarding no-bid defense contracts

21. . Ended media blackout on war casualties and the return of fallen soldiers to Dover AFB.

22. Ended previous policy of cutting the FDA and circumventing FDA rules

23. Ended previous practice of forbidding Medicare from negotiating with drug manufacturers for cheaper drugs; the federal government is now realizing hundreds of millions in savings

24. Ended previous practice of having White House aides rewrite scientific and environmental rules, regulations, and reports

25. American Recovery and Reinvestment Act has created 2.1 million jobs (as of 12/31/09).

26. Ended previous policy of not regulating and labeling carbon dioxide emissions

27. Ended previous policy of offering tax benefits to corporations who outsource American jobs; the new policy is to promote in-sourcing to bring jobs back

28. Ended previous policy on torture; the US now has a no torture policy and is in compliance with the Geneva Convention standards

29. . Launched Recovery.gov to track spending from the Recovery Act, an unprecedented step to provide transparency and accountability through technology.

30. Ended previous practice of protecting credit card companies; in place of it are new consumer protections from credit card industry’s predatory practices

31. Ended previous “stop-loss” policy that kept soldiers in Iraq/Afghanistan longer than their enlistment date

32. Energy producing plants must begin preparing to produce 15% of their energy from renewable sources

33. Established a National Performance Officer charged with saving the federal government money and making federal operations more efficient

34. Established a new cyber security office

35. Expanded the SCHIP program to cover health care for 4 million more children

36. Expanding vaccination programs

37. Families of fallen soldiers have expenses

38. . Provided the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) with more than $1.4 billion to improve services to America’s Veterans.

39. Federal support for stem-cell and new biomedical research

40. Funds for high-speed, broadband Internet access to K-12 schools

41. Responded with compassion and leadership to the earthquake in Haiti

42. Immediate and efficient response to the floods in North Dakota and other natural disasters

43. . Launched Business.gov – enabling conversation and online collaboration between small business owners, government representatives and industry experts in discussion forums relevant to starting and managing a business. Great for the economy.

44. Improved housing for military personnel

45. Improved conditions at Walter Reed Military Hospital and other military hospitals

46. Changed failing war strategy in Afghanistan.

47. Improving benefits for veterans

48. Increased infrastructure spending (roads, bridges, power plants…) after years of neglect

49. Donated his $1.4 million Nobel Prize to nonprofits.

50. Increasing opportunities in AmeriCorps program

51. Provided tax credits to first-time home buyers through the Worker, Homeownership, and Business Assistance Act of 2009 to revitalize the U.S. housing market.

52. Increasing pay and benefits for military personnel

53. Increasing student loans

54. Instituted a new policy on Cuba, allowing Cuban families to return “home” to visit loved ones

55. Cracked down on companies that deny sick pay, vacation and health insurance to workers by abusing the employee classification of independent contractor. Such companies also avoid paying Social Security, Medicare and unemployment insurance taxes for those workers.

56. Limited salaries of senior White House aides; cut to $100,000

57. Limits on lobbyists’ access to the White House

58. Protected 300,000 education jobs, such as teachers, principals, librarians, and counselors through the Recovery Act that would have otherwise been lost.

59. Limits on White House aides working for lobbyists after their tenure in the administration

60. Children’s Health Insurance Reauthorization Act on February 4, 2009, provides quality health care to 11 million kids – 4 million who were previously uninsured.

61. Lower drug costs for seniors

62. Making more loans available to small businesses

63. Many more press conferences and town halls and much more media access than previous administration

64. . Signed the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Act, the first piece of comprehensive legislation aimed at improving the lives of Americans living with paralysis

65. New Afghan War policy that limits aerial bombing and prioritizes aid, development of infrastructure, diplomacy, and good government practices by Afghans

66. Announced creation of a Joint Virtual Lifetime Electronic Record for members of the U.S. Armed Forces to improve quality of medical care.

67. New federal funding for science and research labs

68. New funds for school construction

69. Ordered all federal agencies to undertake a study and make recommendations for ways to cut spending

70. Ordered a review of all federal operations to identify and cut wasteful spending and practices

71. . Negotiated deal with Swiss banks to permit US government to gain access to records of tax evaders and criminals.

72. Phasing out the expensive F-22 war plane and other outdated weapons systems, which weren’t even used or needed in Iraq/Afghanistan

73. Reengaged in the agreements/talks on global warming and greenhouse gas emissions

74. Provided tax credit to workers thus cutting taxes for 95% of America’s working families.

75. Reengaged in the treaties/agreements to protect the Antarctic

76. Removed restrictions on embryonic stem-cell research

77. . Helped reverse a downward spiral of the stock market. On January 19, 2009, the last day of President Bush’s presidency, the Dow closed at 8,218.22. In February 2010, the Dow closed at 10,309.24

78. Renewed loan guarantees for Israel

79. Restarted the nuclear non-proliferation talks and building back up the nuclear inspection infrastructure/protocols

80. Provided attractive tax write-offs for those who buy hybrid automobiles.

81. Returned money authorized for refurbishment of White House offices and private living quarters

82. Sent envoys to Middle East and other parts of the world that had been neglected for years; reengaging in multilateral and bilateral talks and diplomacy

83. Unveiled a program on Earth Day 2009 to develop the renewable energy projects on the waters of our Outer Continental Shelf that produce electricity from wind, wave, and ocean currents. These regulations will enable, for the first time ever, the nation to tap into our ocean’s vast sustainable resources to generate clean energy in an environmentally sound and safe manner.

84. Signed national service legislation; expanded national youth service program

85. States are permitted to enact federal fuel efficiency standards above federal standards

86. Students struggling to make college loan payments can have their loans refinanced

87. Successful release of US captain held by Somali pirates; authorized the SEALS to do their job

88. The FDA is now regulating tobacco

89. Ended the previous stop-loss policy that kept soldiers in Iraq/Afghanistan longer than their enlistment date.

90. The missile defense program is being cut by $1.4 billion in 2010

91. The public can meet with federal housing insurers to refinance (the new plan can be completed in one day) a mortgage if they are having trouble paying

92. The “secret detention” facilities in Eastern Europe and elsewhere are being closed

93. US financial and banking rescue plan

94. US Navy increasing patrols off Somali coast

95. . Signed the Weapons Systems Acquisition Reform Act to stop fraud and wasteful spending in the defense procurement and contracting system.

96. Visited more countries and met with more world leaders than any president in his first six months in office

97. Improved relations with Iran

98. Improved U.S. policy on climate change

99. Set timetable for exiting Iraq (already started removing troops)

100. Improved relations with Russia

101. Improved relations with the Islamic World

102. Made progress towards greater cooperation on limiting nuclear proliferation

103. Economic stimulus plan has created jobs. (Unemployment rate decreasing)

104. Drastically slowed down the recession

105. Saved Wall Street

106. Passed the Lilly Ledbetter Act (equal work for equal pay) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilly_Ledbetter_Fair_Pay_Act_of_2009

107. HEALTHCARE REFORM

108. Ordered the military operation that killed Osama Bin Laden

THIS LIST IS NOT DONE / UPDATED. IT IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Once again, this is a lot to accomplish in such a short amount of time. He was elected President, he wasn’t elected Jesus.

Bonus:My new favorite picture of President Obama

A suggestion for the Mythbusters show featuring Obama.

You don’t need to really exist to inspire people.

Written by OnStartups

Naming a startup is hard.  Very hard.  On the one hand, the pragmatic entrepreneur thinks: “I shouldn’t be wasting time on this — for every successful company with a great name, there’s one with a crappy name that did just fine.  It doesn’t seem like a name has much influence on the outcome at all.  I’m going to get back to writing code.”  I sort of agree with this.  You shouldn’t obssess about your name.  But, you also shouldn’t dismiss it as unimportant.  Part of the startup game is to try and remove unnecessary friction to your growth.  Sure, you could build a spectacularly successful company despite having a lousy name — but why not stack the odds in your favor?

One more reason why spending calories on picking a great name is important:  It’s a one-time cost to get a great name — but the benefit is forever. Conversely, if you short-change this and dismiss it completely, you’re going to incur what I’d call “branding debt”.  Not bad at first, and maybe not a big deal for you ever, but every year, as you grow, you’ll have this small voice nagging inside your head “should I change the name of the company…”.  It’s going to be annoying.  And the longer you wait, the more expensive the decision is, and the less likely you are to do it.  Save yourself some of that future pain, and invest early in picking a decent name.  You may still get it wrong, but at least you’ll know you tried.

One last note before we get started:  Not all of these are weighted equally.  And, remember that these are suggestions not laws.  They’re also mutable.

The 17 Mutable Suggestions Of Startup Naming

1. Make sure it’s legal! This should be obvious, but it’s an important step that too many entrepreneurs skip.  Before attaching yourself to a name, make sure that someone else doesn’t already have claim to it by way of a trademark.  In the U.S., you should take a quick peek at http://uspto.gov.  The good news is that if you satisfy some of the other conditions below (domain name, twitter handle, Facebook name), odds are relatively low that someone’s already using the name.

2. Hint At What You Do: You have two paths to go when picking a startup name.  You can pick a name that is “synthetic” and made-up (example: Wufoo or Quora) or you can use somthing that is somewhat descriptive of what you do (example: Backupify or KISSmetrics).  I lean a bit towards the descriptive side of the spectrum.  But, a lot depends on what you’re building.  Synthetic names are often great in the long, long-term (easily trademarkable, and you can truly “own” them and infuse them with meaning) — but most of the time, I’m more worried about surviving in the short-term.  So, I like simple names that convey a bit of what the company actually does or stands for.

3. Make it easy to remember: How do you know whether a startup name is easy to remember?  You don’t know.  So, test it. Talk to people.  Describe the company.  At the end of a 2–10 minute conversation, casually ask them if they remember what the name of the company is.  If it didn’t “register” it’s not a failure on their part (and make sure to tell them that), but a failure on your part for not having something that’s memorable enough.

4. Make it unambiguous when spoken: A quick way to test this is to ask friends and family what they think of the name over the phone — and ask them to spell it back to you.  If a decent percent of them get it wrong — or are uncertain, you’ve got a problem.

5. Make it unambiguous in Google: Many of the tricks of the trade you’ll use to monitor conversations that mention your company on the web will involve doing some sort of search.  If your name is something like “Pumpkin”, you’re going to have a harder time distinguishing when people are talking about the generic term, or when they’re talking about your company.  Of course, there are plenty of examples where a startup started with a generic word and went on to be pretty successful (Mint.com jumps to mind).  That’s why these are suggestions (not laws) and they’re mutable.

6. Start early in the alphabet.  In the pre-Google world, this was done so that you’d show up earlier in a lists of things that are often sorted alphabetically (like when you win an award).  In the post-Google world, a similar rationale applies, but what’s more important is the position of links to your website when it shows up in a list of things (like a directory).  If possible, you want to be in the first page of a multi-page article that mentions a bunch of companies.  The first page of a multi-page directory usually passes more SEO authority to your website than subsequent pages.

7. The “.com” has to be “gettable”.  By “gettable”, I mean that it is either not registered yet — or, it is available for purchase at a price you’re willing to pay.  Don’t play tricks with the domain name either — like including hyphens.  Also, stay away from clever domain names like del.icio.us.  The reason is simple:  It’s not natural for people to type domains that way.  (Note: Even del.icio.us eventually switched to the much easier domain, delicious.com).

8.  The twitter handle has to be available.  No tricks with numbers and underscores and stuff.  You want the most natural, obvious twitter handle that matches your company name.  This is not quite as hard as .com domain names — but getting harder every day.

9. The facebook page should be available: To test this, try visiting http://facebook.com/yourname and see if there’s something there.  Or, do a search on Facebook and see what you find.

10. Keep it short.  Always good advice, but particularly true in the age of Twitter.  The more characters in your company name, the more characters in the tweets that people write that mention your company name.  The more characters your company name uses up, the less you can actually say in a tweet.  Generally, try to stay 10 characters or under.  Also, number of characters is not the only consideration, it should be short when spoken as well (that is, have fewer syllables).  The fewer the syllables, the easier it is for people to say.  Great examples of one and two-syllable names:  Dropbox, Mint, FreshBooks, ZenDesk.  I’d shy away from anything that is over 3 syllables.

11. Don’t leave out vowels or add punctuation.  Just because Flickr was successful does not mean it’s OK for you to drop vowels from your name.  Name your company in whatever way is natural — for humans.  And, don’t add punctuation (like an exclamation mark) to your name.  Yes, it’s distinctive and it worked for Yahoo! but there’s no sense spending calories on this.

12. Try to get your main keyword into the name.  This helps with SEO and signals to potential visitors what they might find on your site.  For example, this site is called OnStartups.com.  Not particularly creative, but you have to admit — it’s clear.  (And, is likely partly responsible for my high rankings in Google for a bunch of startup related words).

13. Start with an uppercase letter.  If it’s good enough for Google, Amazon and a thousand other really successful companies, it’s good enough for you.  Sure, starting with a lower-case letter is cute and might demonstate some humility, but 99% of the people are going to spell it wrong and you’re going to spend too many cycles worrying about training them — and you’re still going to fail.  If you’re going to ask the world a favor, save it for the big stuff — not “can you please be sure to spell our company name with a lower-case letter”.

14. Don’t name your company after yourself. Yes, I know it’s tempting because it’s so easy.  And, you might even think “hey, customers should know who they’re doing business with”.  You might even make an argument like “there have been plenty of successful startups that were named after their founder.”  Though that might all be true, on average, this is a losing approach.  When customers hear something like “Dharmesh Shah Enterprises” (granted, your name is probably not as odd as mine), it doesn’t make them immediately think “Wow, that must be an awfully cool/successful/stable company”.  It sounds a bit amateurish right at the get go.  The other reason is that if you name the company after yourself, too many people are going to want to talk to you.  That’s ok when you’re the only person in the company to talk to, but becomes problematic as your startup grows and there are other people trying to sell/support/market.

15. Don’t Use An Acronym: These were all the rage at various points in time — but I’m not a big fan.  It’s hard to get emotional about a three letter acronym.  It’s hard to hug an acronym.  As a corollary to this, try not to have a company name with three words in it, because it’s long enough that people are going to be tempted to reduce it to an acronym.

16. Have a story.  When someone asks (and they will), so why did you pick X for your name, it’s nice to have something relatively interesting to say.  Names are a part of your personality, and the absence of a personality is rarely a good thing.  For example, when I started my first company (I was 24, and didn’t know what branding was), the name I picked violated many of the rules in this list.  The company name was “Pyramid Digital Solutions”.  But, it had a pretty good story.  I started first with the acronym P.D.S.  I wanted to name the company after my dad (whose initials are PDS).  He’s a tad superstitious and didn’t want me to name the company after him (it’s  a long story).  And, wanting to prove him wrong I started with the acronym PDS.  Then, for the first word, I picked “Pyramid” because I was passionate about strong, architectural software design.  We were going to build products that stood the test of time — much like the Pyramids.  The other two words (Digital Solutions) were sort fluff words.  Summary:  It’s OK to be purely scientific in your name selection, but a good story never hurts.

16. Pay attention to character sequences in multi-word names: This one’s a bit subtle.  But, if you have a name that is two words stuck together, then be mindful of what character ends the first word, and what starts the second.  I’d stay away from names where both of those letters are the same.  Example: If your company name is something like BetterReading, it’s sub-optimal (because Better ends with “R” and reading starts with “R”.  Normally, that’s OK, but when you type it out as a URL, people will often see:  betterreading.com — which is not terrible, but does cause the brain to “pause” for a micro-second because it feels a tad unnatural.  And, I’d be remiss if I didn’t bring up the widely popular example of unfortunate character sequences:  expertsexchange.com.  When capitalized properly, this name is just fine (ExpertsExchange) which is what the site owners intended.  But, it turns out, this can be confused as “ExpertSexChange” (which is not what was intended).  Make sure you think through the combinations properly.

17. Seek timeless instead of trendy: It seems that every generation of startups has their own “trendy” approach to names.  Examples are the dropping-vowels thing (like Flickr), the breaking up of words (like del.icio.us) or the newly fashionable “.ly” names.  I’d suggest that names that don’t necessarily indicate when you started are a good thing (on the off-chance that your company outlives that particular fad or trend).  Pick a name that is timeliness.  One that people will see 10 years from now and not think “Hey, they’re one of those companies…”.

That’s all I have for now.  For more on the topic, you might want to check out Guy Kawasaki’s article on the topic (makes some similar points, but he’s a better writer).  Also, hat tip to the “22 Immutable Laws of Branding” whose title was an inspiration for this blog post.  More floating around in my head, but I’m a believer in the “release early, release often” mantra.  So, what do you think?  Any other tips or rules of thumb you use when coming up with startup names?

Oh, and I’m thinking of creating a simple web-based tool that assesses a name (which I think is hard to do via software).  What do you think of that idea?  What kind of features would you want to see?

Like this?  Help spread the word.

Bonus: I liked the velociraptor sign and put it on the door of our computer-room. Three iterations later…..

Written by Alex- University of South Carolina

Those lovable bros over at BroBible.com have once again attempted to tarnish the sterling facades us girls put up just to please them (riiiight…).  The latest topic up for debate: The 15 Most Common Ways Girls Try to Look Hotter on Facebook. From butts out to boobs smooshed, they’re calling us out on all our “tricks” of the online trade.

Well guys, a little of our own light research has gone a long way.  Turns out you’re guilty of posting some overused, Brolicious pics yourselves.  Need proof?  Just go through your tagged photos and see if you’re guilty of any of these thirteen major offenses:

Leg up on a coffee table/chair/ledge, fist on hip, other arm pointing out yonder.

Are you scouting out the promise land, or eyeing that leggy blonde in the frat castle foyer?  Either way, you look like a tool.

Posing with expensive bottles of booze.

If the picture is taken alongside a Grey Goose tower in the liquor store, then it doesn’t count.  If you actually own twenty bottles of Grey Goose, then that’s just shameful.

Blue Steel.

I believe it was Hansel who was so hot right now, not you.

Holding a cigar.

Stogies with the bros?  How refined.  You must be a man of superior class and means.  Or you’re a total dad.

Throwing the shocker.

Please do me.

Creeping in the background of hot girls’ pictures.

Gosh, I sure can’t figure out why they’re not with you…

Keg stand.

What talent.  What skill.  You’re going far, my friend.

With fratty frat bros.

The bowties are cute, but did you really need those seersucker sport coats in October?  I’d think a man of your stature would be familiar with the most basic sartorial guidelines.

Passed out on the couch at tailgate.

Oh, you can’t make it through a pre-game? Definitely something to boast about, pussy.

Always wearing a hat.

You’re balder than Kenny Chesney.  The first step is admitting it to yourself.

The Action Shot.

Oh, you’re good at sports? Awesome.

Leaning against an expensive car.

Clearly that thing’s not yours.  I saw the beat up Tahoe you’ve been cruising in and that thing’s no Bentley.

Documentation of random bro hijinks.

Posing with the Indian cab driver.  Thumbs up with a hobo. Getting Iced.  Peeing in the campus fountain.  Standing strategically under the girl dancing on the bar in a miniskirt.  So.  Effing.  Cool.

Bonus: I love printable coupons. >:D

Written by Charlie Jane Anders

Here’s a slightly different version of the battle between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader at the end of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. It’s just one of many revelations in a new making-of book. More rare concept art below.

The Making of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back by J.W. Rinzler comes out today, and it’s not just essential for fans of the classic film. It’s also a must-read for anybody who’s interested in the creative process, because it goes into excruciating detail, on a day-to-day basis, on the troubled genesis of an amazing film.

You get inside the heads of everybody involved with it, and you see how much pain went into every frame of this movie. In particular, there’s a 17-page section in which you get a transcript of director Irvin Kershner and the actors — especially Harrison Ford — agonize over every second of the crucial carbonite freezing chamber scene, trying to get as much emotional truth and reality out of it as possible. This was on set, after the screenplay had already been revised several times, and every moment of that sequence gets rehashed and debated until it’s (arguably) perfect. There’s tons and tons of eye-popping concept art, including tons of versions of the Luke/Vader fight.

What Rinzler’s book drives home is that Empire Strikes Back was as groundbreaking and daring, in its own way, as the original Star Wars. The film went way over schedule and massively over budget, and almost ran out of money a bunch of times. Everybody became sick on set, Mark Hamill broke his thumb doing one stunt, and there was an accident with the bacta tank that could have killed Hamill if he’d been inside. Also, the movie’s second unit director and its first screenwriter both died during the process.

You see how George Lucas put together ESB at the same time that he was building his business empire, including Lucasfilm and the more mature version of Industrial Light & Magic. Lucas was creating his team and fighting for creative freedom, even as he was stepping back from writing and directing — and a big part of this movie’s brilliance stems from Lucas’ drive to finance the film himself, keeping 20th Century Fox out of the loop creatively. (And if Empire had failed, Lucas would have been broke, despite the first film’s huge profits.)

What comes through, in every interview and behind-the-scenes detail, is the determination of everyone involved to make The Empire Strikes Back bigger and better than the original Star Wars. In spite of huge, almost insurmountable difficulties, the determination to create something better comes through clearly.

In addition to the concept art, there are also a ton of set photos, including things like a cast being made of Harrison Ford for the “frozen in carbonite” Han Solo, and Darth Vader and Boba Fett out for a stroll. And there are tons and tons of pieces of script pages and scribbled notes. You get a real sense of what it would have been like to be inside this madhouse of creativity and seat-of-the-pants improvisation. More concept art shows the evolution of the tauntaun, which started out as a kind of weird lizard.

10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Yoda was originally named Buffy. No, really. In Lucas’ earliest outlines for the sequel, Luke meets a supernatural entity named Buffy, or Bunden Debannen. Here’s how Lucas described it:

Buffy very old — three or four thousand years. Kiber crystal in sword? Buffy shows Luke? Buffy the guardian. “Feel not think.”

And Lucas concludes by saying Luke will become the chosen one, “the human Buffy.” In later drafts, he thought of Yoda as a kind of small frog, and Yoda had a full name: Minch Yoda.

In the earliest script draft, Minch has the immortal line: “Skywalker. Skywalker. And why do you come to walk my sky, with the sword of a Jedi knight?… I remember another Skywalker.”

Lucas considered having a scene where Luke’s face gets injured. Mark Hamill was injured in a car accident in 1977, and his face had to be reconstructed — so for a while, Lucas planned on including a sequence where Luke’s face is damaged, and we see it getting patched up by a droid. This got as far as filming — there’s a set picture showing the droid bandaging Luke’s face — but was cut out of the movie.

Luke’s journey to becoming a Jedi Knight would have had a lot more bumps. One idea that got tossed around a lot in the early stages of planning ESB was the notion that Luke’s lightsaber had a crystal hidden in the hilt, with secret encrypted information on it — including the coordinates of Minch Yoda’s planet. And Luke would have been “humiliated” when he couldn’t use the Force to stop an attack by a bunch of ice monsters on the rebel’s Hoth base. (With Han telling Luke, “You’re not a Jedi knight, and you never will be.”) Meanwhile, Darth Vader senses that Luke used the force to destroy the Death Star and there’s a new wannabe Jedi in town — so Vader uses telepathy to choke Luke in his spacecraft, nearly killing him — except that R2-D2 jumps the ship into hyperspace and takes it to Yoda’s planet.

We could have visited other planets. Possibly including a “water planet,” with an underwater city, and a “city planet,” with the whole planet built over. And at one point, Lucas considered having a visit to the Wookiee home world (some of which ended up in the Christmas special), and Ralph McQuarrie did some concept art of a young Chewbacca. (Also, Lando Calrissian’s home would have been the planet Hoth — not the ice world, but another planet named Hoth — and there might have been a whole alien race living there. And in one early draft, Lando was a clone warrior, one of the many clans of clone fighters left over from the wars.)

Darth Vader would have had a castle. And it would have been an evil fortress — in some versions, it’s surrounded by lava, and full of gargoyles who are Vader’s pets.

Vader wasn’t Luke’s father at first. In Leigh Brackett’s first script draft, Luke meets his real dad, who says he sent away Luke and his secret sister for their own safety. (Luke’s sister has been training to be a Jedi knight in secret, just as Luke has.) And Papa Skywalker administers the oath of a Jedi Knight to Luke, in which Ben, Minch, Anakin and Luke cross lightsabers, and Luke swears to “dedicate my life to the cause of freedom and justice.”

The Luke-Leia-Han love triangle is a much bigger deal in earlier drafts of the script. It’s at the root of Luke’s struggles for self-respect and his humiliations. When Darth Vader is trying to win Luke over to the Dark Side in the second draft, written by Lucas himself, Vader says, “You’re in love with Leia. You don’t want to lose her to Han Solo…. But you will, if you lack the courage to use the strength that’s in you. A strength as great as mine, Luke.” And then at the end, Leia flat-out tells Luke that he’s not the one she loves, because she’s into Han. Also in this version, Han doesn’t get frozen in carbonite — instead, he just flies off to take care of business, leaving Luke and Leia watching the Millennium Falcon disappear.

The film posed unique challenges for special effects and model work. Darth Vader had a new Star Destroyer, which was supposed to be 16 miles long! And they built a full-size Millennium Falcon, which was 65 feet wide and 80 feet long. Also, ILM had to start a new stop-motion animation department just to make the Imperial Walkers and tauntauns work. (They tried a man-in-a-suit tauntaun, with “hilarious if not film-worthy results.”) And then there’s the challenge of Yoda — as we reported the other day, they considered everything from a monkey in a mask to a small child or little person to play the Jedi sage, before deciding to go with Frank Oz’s puppetry.

Stanley Kubrick nearly killed the movie. Empire was sharing studio space with The Shining, and there was a huge fire that burned down Stage 3 at Elstree Studios, destroying The Shining’s sets. That meant that Empire had to give up some of its own studio space, and The Shining went way over schedule, especially as Kubrick used the delay as an excuse to rethink his own movie. “Timewise, it is doubtful the picture will recover,” one crewmember wrote at the time.

Miss Piggy had a cameo in one of Yoda’s first scenes in rehearsal. When Mark Hamill first met Frank Oz, he asked him to do a brief Miss Piggy cameo during rehearsals on set, as a practical joke — but when the time came much later, it caught even Hamill off-guard. During one scene, Yoda tells Luke to follow his feelings. Luke protests that he has followed his feelings — and suddenly, Frank Oz whips out a Miss Piggy puppet, saying, “Feelings? You want feelings? Get behind the couch and I’ll show you feelings, punk. What is this hole? I’ve been booked into dumps before, but never like this. Get me my agent on the phone!”

Bonus: “You’re right, faulty logic is fun!”

Written by Dave Lieberman

Flickr user stuckincustoms

If you’ve never heard the term “French paradox”, it’s used to refer to the concept that French people, who are as a rule slim and svelte, seem to eat whatever they want: tons of white bread, cheese, butter, bacon, and far too much dessert for their own good. Everything from flavonoids in red wine to climate has been used to explain it.

Well, I just spent three weeks or so in France, and in that time I managed to drop a pants size. I wasn’t exactly watching what I eat (“Four cheeses, dripping with milkfat? Don’t mind if I do!”), and I drank like a small fish between the amazing wine and my own private Waterloo of pastis, so what happened?

1. Not snacking between meals.

French people don’t do it. Sure, they might sneak a crêpe or a waffle here and there, and no baguette makes it home from the boulangerie without the protruding end being ripped off and consumed, but the concept of stopping at a fast-food restaurant for a “Fourthmeal” is totally alien to the French.

2. Espresso.

Filtered coffee is nearly unheard of in France. Order un café and you will get a cup containing a single shot of espresso, with a packet of sugar and either a small biscuit or a tiny piece of chocolate posed on the saucer. Coffee in the morning, coffee mid-morning, coffee after lunch, maybe coffee mid-afternoon and coffee after dinner: four or five espressos at least go down the average Frenchman in the course of a twenty-four hour period. At that rate the metabolism must be whirring like a hummingbird.

3. Gas that costs $7.80 a US gallon.

That’s not a typo. Converted from liters to US gallons and from euros to US dollars, the price of gasoline is anywhere from $7 to $8 a gallon. At that price it is cheaper to take public transportation, even between cities. French people, particularly city dwellers, do a LOT of walking. In addition, Paris and Lyon have widespread bicycle rental facilities; you swipe your transit card and you can rent a bike for a short period of time (free for the first hour in Lyon).

4. Not eating processed crap.

Flickr user smitin

This isn’t a tourist gimmick. This is how French people buy food.

There’s a surprising lack of processed junk eaten by French people. Sure, you can get Pringles and Diet Coke Coca-Cola Light in France, and they do get consumed, but sit down for a meal and your food is far more likely to have come from whole ingredients. High-fructose corn syrup is technically legal in France, but it’s not subsidized and so most bakers use real sugar. It’s not hard to imagine that a meal that started out as a duck and some potatoes and various vegetables might be better for you than industrially produced food.

5. The 90-minute lunch.

French people savor their meals. As an American, it gets tiring to have 90-minute lunches (sixty to eat, and then 30 minutes for coffee afterwards) and 2-hour dinners, because we’re used to eating on the go, walking down the sidewalk even. Eating slowly means you respond more appropriately to your body’s “full” signals and stop eating sooner.

Bonus: Cigarettes.

French people still smoke. A lot. Smoking was (rather controversially) banned in restaurants recently, but the cigarette is still a big part of life, whether a big fat American cig or one of those tiny-but-stinky Gauloises. Anyone who’s ever gained ten or twenty pounds after giving up the cancer stick can attest to this one.

Bonus: Well…at least they keep some promises

Written by Geoff Williams

America’s favorite cartoon sea sponge and the rest of the gang from Bikini Bottom offer some surprisingly valuable lessons about life in the workplace.

Nickelodeon‘s SpongeBob SquarePants, with its brightly hued colors and juvenile hijinks, may seem like the last place you should look for business or career advice. But if you take a slightly closer look at SpongeBob’s madcap energy and Mr. Krabs’ relentless pursuit to sell Krabby Patties, you’ll notice some familiar workplace scenarios — and some surprisingly important lessons.

So what can you learn from the gang from the underwater city of Bikini Bottom? We decided to take a closer look.

1. SpongeBob SquarePants has integrity that every entrepreneur and employee should emulate.

When Mr. Krabs, in one episode titled “The Graveyard Shift,” tells his staff that the Krusty Krab will now be open 24 hours a day, SpongeBob is thrilled. In the episode “Just One Bite,” when Squidward sneaks into the Krusty Krab in the middle of the night to secretly eat some Krabby Patties, he spots the famed sea sponge and asks why he is there. “I always come here at 3 a.m.,” SpongeBob replies. “This is when I count the sesame seeds.”

Lisa J. Rinkus, president of LJPR, a West Newton, Mass.-based public-relations firm, says one of her favorite pastimes is hanging out with her daughter after school and watching SpongeBob SquarePants. “During the shows,” Rinkus says, “we chat about SpongeBob’s incredible work ethic, his ability to work with what he has and make the best of every situation. I can’t understand why many parents don’t let their kids watch SpongeBob. It’s chock full of great lessons — business and otherwise.”

2. Don’t stray from your core competency.

In “The Krusty Sponge,” a restaurant critic applauds SpongeBob as one of two reasons to visit the Krusty Krab (the Krabby Patty being the first reason). Mr. Krabs is deliriously excited by the idea of promoting SpongeBob as another reason to visit his restaurant. So excited, in fact, that he goes overboard, changing the name of the restaurant to the Krusty Sponge and making perennially disgruntled employee Squidward wear a SpongeBob costume. SpongeBob, meanwhile, is made to run a SpongeBob train outside the restaurant. In effect, the restaurant’s main reason for being — the food — is ignored. And just as one might expect to happen in real life, customers then become sick after eating the food.

Another example of this is “the episode when Pearl, Mr. Krab’s daughter, wants to change the menu and marketing strategy of the Krusty Krab” to be trendier, says Anu V. Murthy, avowed SpongeBob fan and president of Rex, a full-service wholesale intermediary offering agencies access to worker’s compensation markets nationwide. “SpongeBob felt absolutely uncomfortable with it because it strayed from the ‘core’ strategy.”

As it turns out, Pearl ended up leaving the restaurant, which returned to normal. “Lesson? Stick to your knitting,” Murthy says.

3. Quality counts.

In the episode, “Born Again Krabs,” Mr. Krabs forces SpongeBob to sell an old, filthy, germ-infested Krabby Patty that was found under the grill. Mr. Krabs can’t stand the idea that this patty, which could have been used to make money, would be allowed to go to waste. However, weeks go by, and the Krusty Krab loses a lot of business until Mr. Krabs, trying to prove the patty is perfectly good, eats the food and winds up in the hospital.

Then there’s the “Patty Hype” episode in which SpongeBob starts his own stand, selling “pretty patties” — Krabby Patties that are different colors. SpongeBob ended up having approximately 46,853 customers. Unfortunately, the colored patties literally make the fish in Bikini Bottom change different colors.

“SpongeBob comes up with a patty that seems to be, on the surface, what everyone wants,” Murthy explains. “It was short-lived because, in the end, everyone was [ticked] off because the patties ended up changing and was not what the customers expected.”

The lesson entrepreneurs can take away, Murthy says, is that you should “be sincere in what you are selling. Customers aren’t idiots. They will learn quickly what you are all about. Long-term strategy is key for customers.”

And, of course, we haven’t even mentioned Mr. Krab’s arch-enemy, Plankton, who is always trying to steal the Krabby Patty formula. Plankton clearly recognizes that the formula’s quality would attract customers, but he’s too lazy to come up with anything superior on his own. Instead, his restaurant, the Chum Bucket, is recognized throughout Bikini Bottom for serving inferior, pathetic food.

4. You get what you pay for.

When Mr. Krabs shoots a Krusty Krab TV commercial, he shoots it himself, to bring the production costs down, and he pays for the cheap time slot of 3:28 a.m. Not surprisingly, few fish in Bikini Bottom see it.

In “Krabby Land,” Mr. Krabs figures he can make a fortune if he has a playground for kids at his restaurant (shade of McDonald’s and their playgrounds). It’s a mess, cheaply made and not very safe. By the end of the episode, the children have tied up Mr. Krabs and are feeding him lima beans. If you’re cheap in a way that insults your customers, you’re the one who will likely lose in the end.

5. Don’t let your work take over your life.

Joe Wos, executive director of the ToonSeum, Pittsburgh’s Museum of Cartoon Art, notes that “with the exception of Patrick, everyone in the show has very defined jobs, and at least half the show revolves around their jobs, which is something you don’t see in a lot of cartoons. They take their jobs very seriously in SpongeBob.”

Wos adds that in the episodes where SpongeBob “loses his job or spatula, his life falls apart, and if you think about it, that often defines our own situations as well. When we lose our jobs, our world literally falls apart. I think one of the greatest examples of that is the episode where SpongeBob loses his name tag. Literally and figuratively, it’s a complete loss of identity.”

True enough, when SpongeBob discovers his name tag is gone, he freaks out until he faints. In this animated moment — at least it can seem this way after the 27th viewing with your kids — SpongeBob becomes something apart from a simple cartoon on a children’s cable channel. It is a cautionary tale for the 21st century businessperson, a warning to everyone, from the CEO down to the lowliest fry cook, that while it’s swell to be at one with your career, you can always take things too far.

Geoff Williams is a frequent contributor to AOL Small Business and is the co-author of the book Living Well with Bad Credit. He is currently trying to convince his editor on the merits of an article that looks at the business lessons one can learn from iCarly.

Bonus: Lockcup

Written by Eames

“I feel alarmed.”

Arthur squints in the darkness -– which is ridiculous since he’s on the phone. He can’t see the person he’s talking to. And yet — it’s Eames. Nothing is too ridiculous when it comes to Eames.

“Alarmed,” Arthur repeats into his mobile phone.

“Yes.”

According to Arthur’s alarm clock it’s four-twelve in the morning. He rolls over and bats at his pillow. “Why are we alarmed?” he says into the cool pima pillowcase.

Eames makes a soft snort. “We are not alarmed. I am alarmed. And you -– you should be asleep.”

“And yet you called anyway from –-”

“Mumbai -– but you already knew that, didn’t you?”

Arthur yawns. “Did I?”

“When presents arrive that could only be from you, then yes, you know. And yes, I feel alarmed. Are you dying? Have you hit your head? Been kidnapped? Is it an incurable illness? Do you need a kidney?”

Arthur can just make out the Santa Monica lights peering around the edges of the heavy draperies in his bedroom. Plus, even in the middle of the night, Los Angeles never goes truly dark -– too much smog.

“Eames, make sense.”

“I am making sense,” Eames says with something akin to exasperation. Although if it’s Eames it has the potential to be fond exasperation. Hopefully. “Do try to keep up with the conversation.”

“I was sleeping, there was no conversation.”

“Don’t be dense, there’s always a conversation going between us. It simply picks up where we left off last time.”

Arthur rubs the sleep from his eyes. “The last time I saw you–”

“Stockholm. IKEA. We were looking for a kitchen table.”

“No, I’m pretty sure we weren’t engaging in domestic activities the last time I saw you.”

“Domestic terrorism doesn’t count?”

“Don’t say that on the phone. Not even as a joke.”

Eames is quiet for a moment. “I am duly chastened.”

“Good. You’re chastened; I’m exhausted; I’m going back to sleep and you’re going away.” Arthur tries to find the disconnect button on his Blackberry in the darkness. LED screens are not friendly to the recently awakened.

“Arthur,” Eames voice is tinny, persistent.

Arthur sighs. “Yes?”

“The teabag. It’s –- those are diamonds, aren’t they?”

“Your perceptiveness impresses me yet again.” Arthur can feel the smile curling the corners of his mouth –- which is perfectly acceptable since Eames can’t see it.

“What’s –- why?”

“Why what?”

“Why’d you buy me diamonds?”

“Because it’s our anniversary.”

“Our anniversary? What anniversary?” Eames demands. “We haven’t been together seventy-five years. We’re not even seventy-five if you combine the sum of our years on this earth.”

“I thought you weren’t good at math.”

“I’m perfectly capable of doing basic maths, thank you very much.”

“Then you shouldn’t tell scurrilous falsehoods to let people think otherwise.”

“People are idiotic. Fascinating but idiotic.”

Arthur can hear the faint whir of a helicopter overhead. Ah, Los Angeles. The soundtrack of a city. He burrows deeper under his blankets. “Are you calling me an idiot?”

“Don’t be provocative.”

Arthur has to laugh.

“Obviously I did not mean that, feel free to be as provocative as you like,” Eames says. “But this still doesn’t explain this diamond-encrusted tea bag. Or our anniversary.”

Eames seems quite caught on the anniversary part of the equation, which means Arthur has accomplished his goal. “Well, if you can’t figure that out, you’re on your own.”

“Arth—”

“I’m going to sleep, Mr. Eames.” This time Arthur does hang up the phone. He puts the ringer on vibrate, sets the phone on the maple nightstand and goes to sleep with a smile on his face.

He is a romantic –- in his own way.

---

Arthur’s cleaning his stove when his Blackberry chirps at him.

FedEx delivers anywhere in the world it turns out — even ?à L?t in the middle of monsoon season.

Arthur rinses the rag he’s using under hot water and sprays 409 on the tile. He’s not concerned about the hygienic state of his counters as much as he’s worried about food particles getting on his books.

Arthur keeps his books everywhere: in the kitchen, under the sink in the bathroom, piled on each other in the hall closet.

There are stacks of books on his bedroom floor and causing the shelves in his dining room to sag dangerously. Large books, small books, paperbacks and hardbacks, books from secondhand stores and eBay and Amazon and those cardboard boxes that people leave on the curb in West Hollywood when they’re moving.

Seconds later a familiar ring tone rents the air. Cooler Than Me, indeed.

Arthur has to smirk to himself even as he hits the answer button on his phone. “Speak,” he says crisply into the microphone.

“Speak?” Eames’ tone is all aggrieved irritation as it broadcasts into the air. “I am not a Beagle; I do not ‘speak.'”

“You don’t speak? Then how are we having this conversation? Telepathy?”

“You think you’re funny don’t you?” Eames says. He sounds sulky. Sullen. Perfect.

“I have my moments,” Arthur says as he piles the new Andrea Levy novel, a Dale Carnegie, a Honoré de Balzac and a battered copy of Darwin’s On the Origin of the Species into what’s supposed to be the bread basket.

Arthur doesn’t eat a lot of bread. He’d much rather have a muffin or a croissant.

There’s a moment of silence. “It’s teal,” Eames says eventually.

“It is teal?” Arthur mocks. “Don’t you think you should see a doctor about that?”

“Yes, you are terribly amusing, but try to be serious for a moment.”

“I’m always serious.”

“You most certainly are not. You’re one of the most inappropriate people I’ve ever come across.”

“One time I asked you for lube — one time — and that’s all I ever hear about anymore.”

“You asked me in front of the Archbishop of Canterbury.”

“I was trying to extract a chalice from a hole the size of a Ribena box. I needed help.”

“Archbishop.”

“We were dreaming.”

“Somewhere in the world my mother was appalled and didn’t even know why.”

Arthur makes a derisive noise. “Since when do you have such delicate sensibilities?”

“I think my subconscious is irreparably harmed.”

“Clearly the shirt is my penance.”

Eames clears his throat. “It has a pattern.”

“Well, it did when I picked it out.”

“It’s silk.”

“I bought it in Hong Kong. Were you expecting polyester?”

“Arthur.”

“Does it fit?”

“You know it does.”

“I could be wrong.”

“You’re never wrong.”

Arthur laughs as he takes several juice glasses from the sideboard and puts them away. “If you keep telling lies like that your nose is going to precede you into different time zones.”

“Fine, you are often wrong, but always charming and contrite. Except for those occasions when you’re a sanctimonious, prescient arse.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Arthur says.

“I hardly think that that–”

“—if you include remarks about my Moleskine, my condescension, my lack of imagination, the funereal state of my wardrobe, the stick up my ass, and that one time you informed me I was so boring I could put the dead to sleep.”

“Your good memory is not conducive to our relationship.”

Arthur wrings out the rag in the sink and folds it over the faucet to dry. “You love my good memory,” he says.

“Don’t cloud the issue with facts,” Eames complains.

---

The answering machine is winking at Arthur when he gets back from his morning run along the Promenade, down to Venice, and back up Ocean Avenue. He cracks open his Odwalla and hits the flashing red button.

I’m in Tuvalu. Why am I even bothering to tell you this? Do you have a GPS tracker on me? I’ve discarded three phones. Is it embedded under my skin? This is not Casino Royale, Arthur –- and certainly not if you’re Vesper.

*beep*

It fits. Perfectly. When did you measure my head?

*beep*

Does this mean you’re concerned that I might die from skin cancer? Because if we’re at the point where we’re talking about health concerns I think we need to address your caffeine habit and that predilection you have for children’s fruit sweets. You thought I didn’t know about that — but I do.

Arthur’s so busy laughing that he nearly falls into the wall while trying to strip off his wet socks and damp t-shirt.

The phone rings again, and Arthur hits the speakerphone on the handset. “Enjoying yourself?”

“I don’t wear hats.”

“But you should,” Arthur says.

“And this is your contribution to my sartorial expansion.”

“I thought between the hat and the shirt we’d reach a nice compromise. Something you like and something I like.”

“I had no idea we were at the stage of our relationship where compromise was something we actively engaged in.”

There’s a pause.

A long pause.

“You’re right,” Eames says eventually. “We’re far past that part.”

Arthur scratches his jaw before he sets his hands on either side of the phone and leans into it. “Far past it,” he agrees.

“I’m not that far away -– geographically speaking.”

“I’m pretty sure Tuvalu is further away than say, the Valley.” Arthur’s going for nonchalance. He thinks he carries it off pretty well –- if you ignore the slight wobble in his voice.

“Planes are fantastic things.”

“Really?”

“Really,” Eames says.

“Are we talking figuratively or literally?”

“Whichever one you want it to be.”

Arthur rasps out a laugh as he pushes sweaty hair off of his forehead. “After all this time?”

“Remember what I said about clouding the issue with facts?” Eames says lightly.

“Of course -– it’s why you like my brain.”

“Quite.”

“So, Tuvalu.”

“It’s lovely here this time of year.”

“You’re in the South Pacific. It’s lovely there the entire year.”

“Have you thought about taking a holiday?”

“Being at home is a holiday, Eames.”

“Says the man who’s probably doing nothing beyond cleaning and organizing.”

“And reading. Don’t forget the reading.”

“Is this the part where I use an unnecessary term of endearment and ask you to reconsider what you consider a holiday?”

“Could be.”

“You need company.”

“I do?”

“Yes.”

“Are you volunteering?”

“I wasn’t planning on sending Daniel Craig in my stead.”

“I like Daniel Craig.”

“Perpetuating jealousy is not the way forward.”

Arthur ponders this. “But it could be a good detour,” he decides.

---

“Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout would not take the garbage out,” Eames says by way of greeting.

Arthur pauses in alphabetizing his DVDs -– okay, realphabetizing his DVDs. “Did her parents ground her and send her to her cupboard underneath the stairs?” he asks the phone he’s cradling between his right ear and shoulder.

“This is Shel Silverstein, not J.K. Rowling.”

Arthur pauses to snort while sorting Dave Chappelle, Fight Club, Planet Earth and Apocalypse Now into their respective piles. “Shel Silverstein?”

“Yes, strangely enough a tome called Where the Sidewalk Ends was waiting in my seat on my connecting flight to Honolulu.”

“Do flight attendants always give you books when you fly? Is this their way of avoiding your attempts at conversation?”

“No, I got the impression that this was someone else’s way of keeping me occupied.”

“You should thank that person.”

“You’re right -– thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?”

“It’s from you.”

“Is it? I don’t remember sending any children’s books to Hawaii.”

“Plausible deniability. Do I want to know how you did this?”

“Probably not.”

Eames makes a noncommittal noise. “You know kids today just aren’t as tough as they used to be.”

“They don’t have to be -– they live in bubbles of indulgence and Play Station.” Arthur carries on with his sorting: Jules and Jim, 8 Women, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Red Cliff. “They’re all winners. They don’t play, they don’t think, they’re given everything -– it’s all bullshit.”

“Were you a tough kid?” Eames asks.

Arthur laughs wryly. “Fuck no. I was a ninety-eight-pound weakling until I was fourteen and hit puberty. And then I was a hundred-and-thirty-pound weakling -– but I discovered Jujitsu.”

“And the tormented became the tormentor?”

“No, the tormented just learned how to run faster.”

“Shall I find all those mean bullies and teach them a lesson?” Eames asks. His tone is aiming for light and it’s almost there, but there’s something slightly off. A hint of something that might be anger. It’s appreciated in its own way, but Arthur doesn’t need Eames to fight his battles; he can do that all on his own. Most of the time.

“All the guys I went to school with are now bald, overweight, couldn’t get it up even with Viagra and lead miserable lives with wives who hate them. I think karma taught them a lesson just fine.”

“I had no idea you were so spiritual.”

“I’m not –- I’m thirty years old. I’m not a child; what goes around comes around — you just have to give it time.”

“This is very true. So where does that leave poor Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout?”

“Probably in the same boat as little Peggy Ann McKay.”

“What happened to her?”

“Read the book and find out.”

---

Arthur likes frayed t-shirts.

He likes ratty jeans and comfortable hoodies and Ella Fitzgerald, The Strokes, John Legend and Chet Baker.

He likes fixing the holes in his socks with yellow thread regardless of the color of the sock, and blue popsicles.

He loves the palm trees in his backyard and the fact that Santa Monica is always ten degrees cooler than the rest of Los Angeles.

On the rare days when he manages to get most of these things at the same time he’s incredibly pleased. Especially when it’s a Tuesday morning and he doesn’t have to worry about the sounds his neighbors make interrupting his serenity.

Right now Arthur is sitting on a lounger underneath the grove of palm trees in his backyard. The sun is struggling to cut through the fog from the water and the smog from the city. Currently it’s only mildly successful.

“Take the A Train” is cascading through the open kitchen window as Arthur alternates between his third blue popsicle of the morning and sewing up the holes in a mismatched pile of socks.

One of the great joys of being an adult is doing what you want when you want and not having to justify it to anyone.

“So this is what you get up to when I’m not around to supervise?”

Arthur’s popsicle drips on one of his heather gray socks. He pulls the sugary treat out of his mouth and looks down at the stain wryly before looking up at Eames.

“You ruined my sock,” he says by way of greeting.

Eames is standing by the side of Arthur’s house with a leather valise and a canvas bag at his feet that says Keep Calm and Carry On. “I flew for two days to see you,” Eames counters. “More importantly, your mouth is stained blue –- I hardly think the shock to my system is comparable to a stained sock.”

Arthur licks his lips. “I think that’s highly debatable,” he says, taking in the unlaced combat boots, the fitted navy jeans, the shirt and cardigans and –- is that a waistcoat?

“Debate away,” Eames says, sauntering across the lawn, his boots crunching various palm leaves underfoot. “And while you do, please tell me how I’ve never seen you with stubble before? This is a grave oversight on your part and I feel horribly cheated.”

Arthur finishes the last of his popsicle with a lascivious slurp. Eames comes to a stop at the foot of his lounger as Arthur licks his fingers. “The depths of your cruelty knows no bounds,” Eames says.

“It’s why you like me.”

“It must be.”

“You look nice,” Arthur says thoughtfully.

“I thought it was the least I could do –- not offend your sartorial sensibilities.”

“I like your clothes -– they just wouldn’t work on anybody else.”

Ella’s singing along with Louis Armstrong. Po-tay-to. Po-tah-to. Eames nudges the chair with his knee and Arthur moves the socks back into the laundry basket.

Eames drops down beside him, and Arthur rests both of his legs on Eames’ lap. Eames rubs his shins. “This all seems rather anticlimatic, you know.”

“I wouldn’t want to be too easy,” Arthur says soothingly. “I can go blow up the nearest American Apparel or a Starbucks if it’ll make you feel better. Perhaps fuck a couple of people I don’t care about or sell you to the unhappiest client I can find and then insist I didn’t mean it.”

Eames frowns. Arthur reaches over and brushes away the lines marring his forehead. “Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what? Look pensive and thoughtful?”

“Is that what you’re aiming for?”

“It’s better than looking constipated.”

Arthur barks out a laugh. “Yes, yes it is.”

Eames grins at him. “You know for someone so buttoned up and precise, you’re all over the place. It’s terribly endearing. I’m afraid I’ve succumbed to your innumerable charms and your blue lips.”

“This from the man who makes a living charming people.”

“Yes, I’m supposedly the Whore of Babylon, Bernie Madoff and Houdini all at the same time.”

“That must get rather tiring.”

“Well, according to your gossip you’re a tragic figure on par with Oedipus and Montgomery Clift. And you’re a serial monogamist. Or a dirty slut. Or a virgin. Depends on the day of the week.”

“I heard that about myself, too.” Arthur’s fingers are stroking along the back of the hand Eames is resting on Arthur’s right knee.

“Clearly what we need is a holiday from all of these great expectations and pejorative rumors,” Eames says solemnly.

“It works for me.”

They sit there for several moments, listening to Ella, feeling the breeze coming in from off of the Pacific, doing nothing at all but being. Together.

Eames picks up Arthur’s hand and turns it over. He traces the lines on Arthur’s palm with the tips of his fingers. It tickles a little; Arthur’s fingers twitch. He watches Eames touch him.

He looks up to find Eames watching him watch Eames.

“Did I ever say Happy Anniversary?” Eames asks.

“We have an anniversary?” Arthur mocks softly.

“The anniversary of the first job we ever did together.”

“You remembered.”

“It’s also the anniversary of the first time you shot me.”

“Very romantic,” Arthur agrees.

“The eighth anniversary is supposed to be bronze and pottery, but the bronze vase I wanted to nick for you went missing before I got to steal it from the Getty. I hate it when that happens.”

“You know the Getty’s been having authentications problems,” Arthur says sagely. “It might’ve been a knock-off.”

“You mean the gift I’d stolen could’ve been a fake? Does nobody stand by their ill-gotten gains anymore? Shameful.”

“Isn’t it.”

“This does, however, only leave me with one present for you.”

“Which is?”

“Me.”

Arthur wrinkles his nose in distaste, and Eames’ face shutters a bit. And then Arthur smiles and tugs Eames forward. He leans in and kisses the right corner of Eames’ mouth. His lower lip. The left corner.

Eames looses a soft noise and his thumb rubs the week-old stubble at Arthur’s jaw.

“So what are we doing on this holiday of ours?” he asks, voice low.

“Nothing,” Arthur says, leaning back against the chaise and tugging Eames with him. “Absolutely nothing at all.”

Eames shifts around, finally coming to a rest with his back pressed against Arthur’s chest. Both of his hands are clasping Arthur’s hand against his sternum.

Arthur can feel every inhalation. Every exhalation.

“So can I use that diamond-encrusted teabag you got me?” Eames says. “It’s PG Tips.”

“That’s a fourteen-thousand-dollar teabag. If you use it, I’m kicking you out.”

“Not very practical, is it?”

“Since when are you practical?”

Eames laces their fingers together. “We must work on your relationship with tact.”

“Tact and I get along just fine.”

“Not when it comes to me.”

“Tact is reserved for people who need it. You require a heavier touch – like an anvil.”

“Very droll,” Eames says; Arthur squeezes his hand. “No complaints about the timing?” he asks.

“Why? Are we late?”

Eames chuckles. “No thoughts that we’ve taken too long to get here? No whingeing about waiting on me or me waiting on you?”

“You get there when you get there.” Arthur kisses the top of Eames’ head. “I think the important thing is that this is happening at all.”

“There’s no such thing as the right time,” Eames says.

Arthur agrees. “There’s just right now.”

-end-

Bonus: Sesame Street spoofs the Old Spice Guy

My 9 year old sister saw pictures of me smoking on Facebook and wrote this note. I pretty much melted.

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