The manner in which most time travelers get from point A to point B (and sometimes C!) before returning to point A again are as varied as the adventures surrounding said temporal exploration. That is to say there’s no one way to go about the act of time travel, but that doesn’t make all time machines equals when it comes to the pleasures of the eye, or the imagination. Sterile, efficient and tidy, some machines do the job well but lack a degree of showmanship that nerds crave. Movies like Primer and Terminator 2 for example, as wonderful as they are, don’t exactly set the screen ablaze with their respective chrono-cheating methods: secret boxes hidden in storage and nude cyborg-transporting portals of rarely-seen origin.
Which brings us to today’s list: a celebration of time traveling devices that are as noteworthy for their visual flare as they are for their function, and in some cases, more so. These methods are preferable not because of their reliability (since in some cases, there isn’t any) but because they add a level of unparalleled cool to the whole time travel conundrum. Well, nerd-cool anyway. How’s that for a paradox? Read on!
10) Austin Powers’ VW Beetle
It’s easy to forget that all of Austin Powers’ cinematic adventures deal with time travel to some degree, and as a man who obviously takes his personal style very seriously, it only makes sense that one of his time travel vehicles of choice would be a colorful flower-powered VW Beetle. Beats cryogenics!
9) The Hot Tub Time Machine
The newest of these entries in stylish time travel is also the most ridiculous. But hey, since the thing isn’t real, we can’t fault it too much. The fact that traveling through time in this beer-soaked portal might involve getting hilariously smashed with your friends and a random guy in a bear suit doesn’t hurt its chances either.
8) H.G. Wells’ Time Machine
Exactly how one might imagine a monocle-bearing gentleman of the 1800s to transcend the Fourth Dimension, the original time chariot still gets high marks for its brass & quartz steampunk aesthetics despite the droves of subsequent imitators, thus maintaining its classic status. There’s just something striking about a machine engineered for a trip to the future yet so obviously designed from the materials of the past.
7) Rufus’ Phone Booth
Yes, nothing quite smacks of late-eighties/early-nineties charm like Rufus’ red now-vintage time traveling phone booth. It’s just an awesome way to navigate years and help the similarly rad Bill and Ted fulfill their Wyld Stallyn destinies via the Circuits of History.
Yeah, the movie might not have won the game series any new fans, but that doesn’t change that the Dagger of Time from The Prince of Persia is a super fashionable way to control chronology. The fact that it’s often integrated into The Prince’s fighting style as a kind of insta-rewind/slow-mo makes it even more noteworthy. Where was this this thing in our awkward college… er… high school years?
5) The Time-Turner
Portable, easy to use, run by magic, and decent neckwear, the Time-Turner is a time traveling girl’s best friend – just ask Hermoine, who used it to pack more classes into her already crammed schedule in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Doing more schoolwork would certainly be the first thing we’d do if we had one of these as well – ahem.
4) The Vortex Manipulator
Granted it could easily double for the leather armband flaunted by the boisterous alt-rock kid you remember from middle school, but on the wrist of Captain Jack Harkness, it gains a more dignified edge, as it compliments his more mature time traveler’s ensemble nicely. Captain Jack’s suspenders and loafers not included.
3) The Time Train
BttF III‘s Vernian locomotive rarely gets any love, and we don’t know why. Yes, it needed the DeLorean’s help to get Marty and Doc home on its maiden voyage, but after Doc Brown’s modifications, which included a face-lift to its exterior, the train became completely self-sufficient and even gained the ability to hover. Let us repeat that: it’s a cool-looking flying train from the old west that travels through time. We don’t think much more needs to be said. Well, besides that Doc Brown is the man in the most absolute way possible. There.
2) The TARDIS
The TARDIS is awesome in general. As the Doctor’s devotees know, it’s almost infinitely bigger on the inside than it appears to be from its exterior, essentially has unlimited time travel range and can camouflage itself to fit in with any surroundings. Of course, as fans are also aware, Doctor Who‘s TARDIS doesn’t always work quite right, and of its many quirks has its chameleon circuit stuck on “obsolete police box” encapsulating the charm of old-school London in the Time Lord’s travels.
1) The DeLorean DMC-12
Even Doc Brown knew his invention was one stylish stab at time travel: “The way I see it, if you’re gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?” Just like the classic dreamt up by H.G. Wells, the DeLorean’s looks firmly anchor it in its own time (the 1980s) with its rising gull-wing car doors and sweet light-up interior controls. Its sports car pedigree also allows the vehicle to do things and go places other time machines can’t, and of course, it looks mighty fine doing it. If the flying car does finally arrive, here’s hoping it looks like Doc Brown’s invention.
Bonus: Your Childhood in 94 Seconds
Did you grow up in the late 90s? If so this video will certainly ring true for you. I know it had a good amount of my favorite things growing up. The best of which were pogs, The Secret World of Alex Mack (I had/have the biggest crush on Larisa Oleynik) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Of course there is quite an absence of things, like Pizza Rolls, roller blades or Kenan & Kel, but you canât expect everything to fit into a minute and a half. What are your favorite things from your childhood? Now, watch⊠reminisce⊠repeat.(source)
So I finally got cable TV in my first post-grad apartment this morning and it got me thinking about all the things that you need to lock down when you move into a new city. Although moving sucks, it doesnât end when you finish unpacking the boxes. Every Bro needs to find certain spots (and a few people) in a new city to make his own â here’s our list of the top 20 items to put on your priority list.
BARS
Neighborhood Bar
Find a local bar thatâs near your place where you get to know the regulars, bartenders, and waitresses. Soon enough youâll be a regular yourself, which will get you free drinks and help you impress the local talent. This is also a great spot to blow off some steam after having to deal with those fucking passive-aggressive emails your boss sends you all day.
Football Bar
You need to find a bar in your city that supports your hometown NFL squad. This bar will have your team playing every week and itâs always a good time when everyone in the bar is rooting for the opponentâs quarterback to get sacked.
Alumni Bar
This oneâs important. Identify what local bars are hangout spots for your schoolâs alumni â especially around football and basketball season. Youâll run into old friends and maybe some alumni with jobs to peddle. You might even cross paths with that chick from college that you always wanted to bang and hopefully now you can now that you have a job and a little bit of money.
Late-Night Drinks
Thereâs nothing like those late nights back in the dorm room or frat house you used to have in college. Sure, every now and again youâll get a solid gathering back at your post-grad apartment to drink yourself into oblivion, but this does not happen often. You need to find a bar that is open late, later than they legally should be. Plus, any girl you can find out after 4 a.m. without an arm already around her shoulder is definitely DTF.
Brunch Spot
Finding a cool brunch spot is a great way to get your Fraturdays and Fundays back. Iâm not really even talking about finding a place to eat, although those are especially important for morning afters. You should be able to find a day-drinking extravaganza spot that serves solid food as well.
FOOD SPOTS
Breakfast/Coffee Spot (or Cart)
Try to find a coffee shop thatâs on the way to the office. Look for a place with fast service and minimal lines. Hot baristas donât hurt either.
âGo-Toâ Lunch Spot
Working sucks (unless you work for BroBible) and you need a spot to get away for an hour or at least a few minutes. Find a place near your office that has solid and affordable food and get to know the people who work there.
Pizza Place
Pizza is a great source of fuel for bros. Itâs cheap and fucking delicious. Donât cop out and order Dominoâs when youâre looking for a slice. Find a good pizza spot around your place â it doesnât hurt if itâs open late and they deliver (most obviously do).
Takeout/Delivery Spot(s)
A great delivery place is a Sunday hangoverâs best friend (besides weed). Itâs essential to have a great sando or General Tsaoâs only a phone call away.
Late-Night Food Spot
Unfortunately, after college there isnât always a wide variety of late-night restaurants open to satisfy your drunken munchies. However, there are usually a couple places open late depending on what city you live in. Identify these spots early and continue with your late night-plastered meal shenanigans.
IMPRESS THE LADIES
Dog Park
The local dog park is a hot bed of local talent. Even if you donât have a dog, borrow a friendâs and go try to meet chicks at the dog run. Most likely, if her dog lets your dog hump it, she will let you hump her later.
Date Spot
Up until recently I have been 110% against dating. There is no point to dating in college when there are dozens of sorostitutes throwing themselves at you. Then I graduated (worst decision of my life) and realized you have to get a little more creative than chugging Burnettâs with freshman girls and hoping one of them falls on your dick. Donât get me wrong, there is still pussy to be had; it just takes a little more finesse. Once you find a girl whose number you actually want to call, sheâll expect some type of date. Find a go-to place like a park, pier, cool rooftop bar, or casual but cozy restaurant to take the keepers.
Local Slam Piece
Not ready for the dating scene? Donât worry, Iâm not necessarily advocating getting a girlfriend and completely throwing your youth away right after college. But you should definitely try to find a local chick that lets you have regular access to her tits and lower lips without needing to wine and dine her.
Laundry
Unless you have laundry in your apartment building, you can go one of two ways on this one. If youâre like me and donât have any patience for doing laundry and are incapable of folding clothes, you should find a cheap and quick wash & fold. If youâre not trying to shell out for the mom-quality fold jobs from your local Asian cleaners, you should try to find a place where there are consistently hot girls doing their laundry. If you can find a hot chick that can fold like the Mexican housekeeper your mom used to hire, make a move and maybe you can get her to do your laundry as well. If youâre wearing a suit to work every day, a trusted dry cleaner â a place that wonât fuck up your shirts and will take care of stains no questions asked â is also valuable.
SPORTS AND WORKING OUT
A Place to Play Your Favorite Sport
Whatever your sport is, most cities have a place for you to play it. Join a menâs league, a co-ed (or not) beer league, or find a spot to play pick-up. Thereâs nothing like playing your favorite sport to keep that competitive edge. Kickball and dodgeball donât count.
Gym
Thereâs nothing like a power lift to start your not-so-productive day at work. If youâve got good âgym game,â you could pick up a local slam piece here, too.
Run Route
For all you runners out there (myself not included) itâs nice to have a route that you know well to take your daily, weekly, monthly, or annual runs.
VICES
Weed Guy
This is one of the first things to lock down when you move to a new city. For you lucky bastards who live in California you can just walk right over to your neighborhood marijuana dispensary. In New York, the delivery services are pretty easy to come across. For everyone else, just keep your ear to the ground and Iâm sure youâll find a guy.
Strip Club
Itâs an expensive habit, but being a regular at your favorite strip joint is crucial. I know not everyone loves strip clubs and to be honest I didnât either; that is until I found myself a nice, classy strip club I could call my own. Get to know the bouncers, waitresses, and especially the strippers. Theyâll take care of you if you take care of them.
Local Rub & Tug
Thereâs nothing like a happy-ending massage after a stressful week at work. Just close your eyes and let the imported Asian college student do the rest.
Bonus:
Being a polymer scientist, I can’t look at porn or nudity. So I have to get creative.
Being an electrical engineer, I can’t look at porn or nudity. So I have to get creative.
Waitresses are used to difficult customers. They’re used to kissing ass for a good tip. But they also have the power to spit in your food — not that they do.
And do the customers make it easy? Hell no. That’s why your waitress hates you.
One such waitress from an Irish Pub in Boca Raton brings you this top-five list so you know what NOT to do.
1. You don’t understand that ordering extra means paying extra
“I can understand if you want a little bit of something. But if I have to go through the kitchen staff and get you an extra cup of salad dressing, yeah, I need to charge you that 50 cents. If you want extra, it’s going to cost extra.”
2. You give a verbal tip, not a real one
“They’ll praise me the whole time and only give a 10 percent tip. I understand if you’re on a fixed income and can’t leave a good tip, but it sucks getting $2 on a $20 check. I don’t get as pissed as some servers, though. Some will go into a roid rage over bad tips.”
3. You flirt too much
“Flirting is part of my job, especially when I’m dealing with a table of guys. I’ll call them ‘hon’ and ‘sweetheart’ a lot. But I’m just doing it for tips. Some guys think something is actually going to happen. Just… no.”
4. You ask for things one at a time
“If you need a refill of water and extra dressing, I can get it at one time. But if I’m busy, don’t ask for honey mustard and wait until I bring that back to ask for extra napkins.”
5. You seriously special-order off the menu
“I understand if you have an allergy or you can’t eat bacon because of your religion. But don’t ask ‘With my salad, can I have no bacon, tomatoes, or cucumbers? Can I also add chicken, but can you dice the chicken instead of slicing it? And I need some jalapeños on the side, but diced, not sliced.’ Not cool.”
Bonus: Spotted in the children’s section of a Reject Shop
If you work at McDonaldâs or Papa Johns, I really canât blame you for having a little bit of fun with your shop signs. Although, and I canât speak for other states, just California, donât expect anything too highbrow coming from your local burger flippersâŠ
20 great shop sign modifications begin now.
Bonus: Whoever it is, keep up the good work! (imgur.com)
Despite the overall decrease in the popularity of fax machines, faxing is still a common practice in many industries. Here’s a look at five of the most popular services for sending and receiving faxes from a computerâwithout the clunky hardware.
Even though we’ve all got email and cheap scanners, faxing remains deeply embedded in the workflow of many industries, such as banks and government institutions. The following services can help you manage your virtual fax needs whether you’re a once-a-year, once-a-month, or a daily fax user.
FaxZero (Web-Based; Basic: Free; Premium: $1.99 per fax)
FaxZero offers a great service for infrequent fax users who only need to send out faxes, not receive them. You can send a fax for free anywhere in the United States. In exchange for the free service, FaxZero places an ad on the cover page and limits you to three pages and two transmissions a day. Still, it’s free, and for those last minute “We only accept fax!” emergencies, it can get you through. If an ad feels too unprofessional, you can send a premium fax with a max of 15 pages and no ads for $1.99. If you’re a light user, it would take a lot of $1.99 faxes to add up to even one month of premium service at most of the other fax service providers. FaxZero’s shortcoming, of course, is that you can’t receive faxes in return.
eFax has two paid tiers of service plus a free serviceâscarcely mentioned on their web site. Their free service gives you a virtual fax number and allows you to receive up to 10 pages a month, but you can’t send out faxes. Since most people usually get stuck working with a company that insists you send them faxes, the pay-services are of most interest. The Plus service allows you to receive up to 130 pages per month and send 30 (overages are $0.15/page and $0.10/page, respectively). Pro service allows you to receive 200 pages per month and no free pages sent (overages and sent pages are $0.10/page). The Pro service also includes 200 minutes of voicemail-to-email service. You can choose between a local number or a toll-free number, but all incoming pages through the toll-free number are billed at $0.20 (regardless of whether or not you have free incoming pages on your account).
MaxEmail has several tiers of service. The most basic service is their ultra-light package, which runs $2 a month (it’s actually a $24 fee for the year, but we converted it to monthly for comparison’s sake), includes 100 incoming fax pages per month, no free outgoing (billed at $0.05-0.10 per page), and a unique fax number. Upgrading to the $9.95 per month Plus account gives you the ability to pick what area code your fax number will be in, increases your number of incoming pages to 250, and adds in 100 pages of free outgoing faxes. Upgrading to the Corporate account adds in additional features like increased incoming faxes and multiple users on the account.
MyFax is a feature-rich fax service. You can select from a local or toll free number for your incoming fax “line”, your sent and received faxes are archived for a year, and you can fax to 41 countries with no additional charge. You can fax via email or directly from Microsoft Office applications with the MyFax plugin. MyFax also includes scheduled delivery, delivery confirmation, and support for faxing of 178 document types, including popular formats like PDF, Office documents, and more. Accounts start at $10 (100 pages sent/200 received) and rise in price according to the volume you need.
In contrast to FaxZero, which only sends faxes (for free), K7 is a completely free (ad-supported) service for receiving fax and voicemail. When you sign up for an account, you’re given a Seattle-area number (where K7 is based), unless you pay $2 a month for an 800 number. K7 turns all faxes and voicemails into email attachments and forwards them on to you. If you’re not a fax power user, combining K7’s services with FaxZero’s services would give you a free and decent arrangement for the occasional faxes you need to send and receive.
Any economist will tell you that the world runs on hard work, natural resources and ceaseless innovation. Crafty companies and individuals have discovered that 100% of economists are boring and liars. The world in fact runs on a variety of drugs, broken dreams, andâmost important of allâfame. To this end, they have gone out of their way to concoct the most harebrained stunts that rocket them to fame and success. Or infamy and sleaze, but this is pop culture so the line is a fine one.
In the quest for a PR stunt that would shock, appall and certainly be featured on FOX news, Real Men Outdoor Productions decided to host an âadult paintballâ extravaganza. Male participants would go into the arena, shoot as many women as possible, then have the option ofâŠerâŠâeatingâ what they killed. In case you canât see where this is going, the non-PG description is essentially the program was billed as a prostitution ring where first you were allowed to hunt and painfully bruise the hookers.
Just about everyone from womenâs groups to conservatives were up in arms over the mixture of prostitution, human cruelty and destroying our childhoods by associating Bambi with sex. The truly ridiculous part of this story is, though Real Men Outdoor Productions initially pitched the concept as a farcical stunt in order to sell pre-existing videos of naked women being hunted by paintballers, society kind of liked the idea and Real Men Outdoor Productions now offers the service for real.
In 2001, someone apparently remembered the gambling paradise that is international waters and decided to apply this idea to other less-selfish illegal things. What sort of illegal things? Hows about abortion. The group Women on Waves, which is based in the Netherlands, decided to get a giant ship and sail to Dublin, where abortion is illegal. Once they loaded up the pregnant mothers, they would sail to international waters, where Dutch laws apply on the ship and abortions could be legally performed.
Designed as mostly a publicity stunt to raise awareness of womenâs issues, the trip was wildly successful despite uproar from both the Irish and Dutch governments. According to some sources, it was even responsible for shifting public opinion positively in favor of abortion rights. But the crazy thing about international waters is that itâs an area where Women on Wavesâ greatest asset (no laws) became its greatest liability. After a successful second voyage to Poland, the Portuguese realized they didnât have to screw around in these lawless waters and sent a freaking warship out to intercept the yacht.
Cashtomato.comâs Cash Giveaway
You know those hyper-flashy ads for local car dealerships that inevitably have some sort of âIâm GIVING AWAY MONEYâ line followed by flashing impact font? Unsurprisingly, these dealerships donât actually give you money â they first make you buy a car and contract hepatitis C from being within 10 feet of their sales force. This is perhaps an uncharacteristically smart move, as giving out free money often incites riots.
A few years ago, shameless YouTube copy Cashtomato.com decided to take their super-classy name literally, and went with the lazy stunt of giving out cash in bags of tomatoes. While this sounds like all kinds of awesome, Cashtomato was a west-coast company that apparently never had any experience with an actual urban center. As the CEO euphemistically put it, they were overwhelmed by âstreet peopleâ [read: the homeless] who rioted over the money. So what sort of kings ransom was in these bags that would reduce people to angry rioters? An astounding 29 dollars.
Eichborn Flies
In case you havenât picked up on this yet, a lot of publicity stunts crash and burn under the weight of their unintended consequences. Most are poorly-conceived, half baked ideas that probably sound so edgy in the board room but donât exactly pan out in real life. In an idea that falls half into that category and half into the âpretty neatâ category, the German publishing house Eichborn (whose logo is a fly) pasted tiny banners to actual flies and released them at the Frankfurt Bookfair.
While this may seem more gross than anything else (not to mention associating your brand with a disgusting insect), Bookfair attendees seemed more charmed with the ideaâs whimsy than its vehicle. This is a rare example of a stunt that amused while raising brand awareness. Savor it, because we still have 11 more chances to crush your faith in humanity. Starting withâŠ
Ah the sacred institution of marriage. To most, it is a holy union filled with love, family and the sacrosanct open bar. To others who take it way too seriously, it is a holy union under imminent attack from buttsex. Still to others with no shame, it is something to be shamelessly manipulated for a few seconds of fame.
Created in 2007 by mad scientists as a vessel for Americansâ excess outrage on slow news days, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are well-known for being perhaps the biggest fame whores currently in existence. In 2010 they decided to take this to a new level by filing for divorce. In a testament to how played-out their shtick is, most Americansâ immediate reaction was âI bet theyâre doing it for the publicityâ, since that is the only reason they had done anything up to that point. Turns out the whole thing was in fact a sham, concocted as a fame and money grab so they could sell a fake-sordid story about the affairs and betrayals that led up to the divorce.
The Olympic Torch
We often think of crazy publicity stunts as being the stuff of modern culture. But there was really no time period immune to grandiose gestures as a means of impressing people without having to actually be better. The Olympic Torch in contrast has, for decades, been a symbol of world unity, of human achievement, of determined perseverance.
Except for that time when it was the symbol of Nazi exceptionalism. Far from being a fixture of the modern games, the torch relay from Athens to the host city wasnât introduced until the Berlin summer games of 1936. Struggling with one of the most massive inferiority complexes of the 20th century, Hitler was looking for a way to really show the world his Germanyâs superiority. While having a team of people run 1,600 miles seems every day to us, back then it was viewed as crazy grandstanding. But like the VW, ethically bankrupt experiments on minorities and jet engines, this Nazi flight of fancy was wildly successful and persists to this day.
Speaking of publicity stunts and fascists, Salvador Dali was perhaps one of the greatest false-hype men in history. His stunts are too numerous to count, running the gamut from employing topless models during gallery showings, to trashing his own art displays to create buzz for his upcoming play. There wasnât a Dali-related event that Dali wasnât out doing something ridiculous to promote.
The thing is, Dali was so crazy that it was hard to tell when he was acting, and when he was near death. In one stunt, he entered a lecture flanked by white hounds while dressed in a full old-fashioned diverâs suit. Apparently deciding that oxygen was soooo blase, Dali neglected to make sure there was a way for air to get in to the air-tight suit. As the ambient oxygen in the helmet began to dwindle, Dali started frantically pulling at the helmet which was, at that time, affixed with metal bolts. No one helped him because no one wanted to be the square who fell for Daliâs latest stunt. Dali survived, and repaid the uncaring world by becoming an unapologetic fascist, though biographers are split on whether or not that was just another stunt.
Tung Desem Waringin
As Cashtomato.com proved, giving out cash as a publicity stunt can have particularly riotous results. Indonesian author Tung Desem Waringin decided that violence and desperation werenât âedgyâ enough and decided to add a bit of grinding poverty to the mix. In 2008, this wildly successful author dropped about $10,000 from a plane on to eager fans below. Chaos predictably ensued, with reports of men stealing money from smaller, weaker children
The especially depressing part about this is that Indonesia has a per capita income that hovers around $2,200, give or take. So while $10,000 doesnât seem like a whole lot to distribute among the presumably thousands of people in attendance, letâs do a little quick math. In the US, the average income is roughly $45,000 which is about 20 times Indonesia. That means that to these desperate people, many of which are living on less than a few dollars a day and struggle to find food and clean water, this man is dropping the equivalent of $200,000 for them to fight over. Itâs like the biggest hobo battle ever organized.
The Sex Tape of Paris Hilton (and everyone else)
Remember what Paris Hilton was like before her sex tape was released in 2003? Of course you freaking donât. She was filthy rich and a frequent presence at swank parties, but no one with an annual income below eight figures knew her. Then her sex tape was released serendipitously right before her TV show The Simple Life was set to begin. Now sheâs frequently mentioned in the same breath as famous-for-a-reason people like Britney Spears or Lindsey Lohan.
While there is no clear-cut evidence that the tape was specifically released as a publicity stunt, it was released and perhaps the best moment in her entire career and engendered almost instant fame. Itâs such a successful device that every fame whore on the planet is releasing a sex tape now. Itâs become something of a rite of passage into a brotherhood of terrible people who donât realize that theyâre famous only because they give us someone to hate.
Everyone remembers the famous Oprah car giveaway, where every member of the audience walked out with a brand new car and a hefty hidden income tax. But quick quiz: what kind of cars were they? What company made them? Did you ever think twice about maybe going out and buying one?
Of course not, because Oprah very savvily realized that everyone would remember that Oprah gave out free cars, not that those cars were actually Pontiacs donated by GM. So now while this publicity stunt is widely considered to have been a stroke of genius that elevated Oprah to Uber-Deity status, Pontiac recently went out of business. It didnât help that, at the time, the Pontiacs given out on the show werenât even available for purchase.
Thereâs a common overused phrase in marketing that says that any publicity is good publicity. This is why companies will produce shocking, offensive ads. Itâs not because theyâre looking to persuade, but because if their brand is on the tip of everyoneâs tongue when you need a widget youâll think of that widget company and their graphic depictions of widget sodomy. Thereâs an often-ignored addendum to the âany publicityâ maxim that reads something like: âincomprehensible publicity is a waste of time and money you doucheâ.
International telecom Vodafone decided to ignore this advice, paying streakers to run on-field during an Australia-New Zealand soccer match while wearing the Vodafone logo. What sex, soccer or streaking have to to with telecoms is anyoneâs guess. Vodafone endured a slew of negative and generally confused press related to the incident. Some speculate that Vodafone was trying to cast itself as the âhip, edgyâ telecom (similar to Virgin), in which case they probably could have picked something thatâs not a frequent activity of the drunk, fame hungry and mentally unstable.
Magician Jim McCafferty was trying to get his start-up marketing company off the ground back in 1990. Starting with what he knew, this illusionist decided to stage a stunt where he was tied into a straight jacket and locked in a metal cage 300 feet above the stage. After a certain period of time, the metal cage was supposed to detach from its rigging and plunge to the floor.
McCafferty made it out of the straight jacket in time, but the metal cage malfunctioned and it took several precious minutes to get out. In a scene ripped from a movie, McCafferty emerged just as the cage began to drop. He managed to secure himself into a harness that broke his fall, but not before he sustained ropeburn serious enough to land him in the hospital. Marketing experts are split on whether or not the risk involved in the stunt was worth it, since JMP Creative is now a multi-million dollar business.
However all of this is completely moot in light of McCaffertyâs sheer ballsiness. Supposedly, immediately after the stunt (when most people thought the close shave was part of the act) a prospective client came to McCafferty and commented on how amazing the show was. McCafferty, who was being loaded into an ambulance at the time after nearly falling to his death, calmly replied âIf you think that was good, imagine what I can do for your brandâ.
Balloon Boy
Assuming you are older than the age of two, you remember how in 2009 the country was briefly paralyzed over the plight of little Falcon Heene, who had apparently gotten himself into a giant balloon and was now floating helplessly hundreds of feet in the air. Physicists and people with a functional grip of math and reality, immediately began to question how the weight of a small child could have possibly been supported by that balloon. Eventually it came to light that adorable little Falcon had been hiding in the attic, and there was no reason to panic.
The country went back to work, and the Heene family went on several talk shows to discuss the horrendous worry and turmoil. Then adorable little Falcon ran his mouth on Larry King Live and revealed that the whole thing was a publicity stunt designed to net the family a reality show. In a rare show of clarity, the American public chose to ignore the Heeneâs afterward instead of giving them the fame they so desired. Well thatâs if you donât count father Richard Heeneâs hilarious âproofâ of life on mars.
In the early 90s, comic books were beginning to suffer a painful contraction in readership. All the old standby super-heroes were viewed as too old-fashioned, too stuffy and too garish for the modern, disillusioned 90s audience. Superman especially, as the invincible, impossibly noble paragon of America was difficult for a younger audience to relate to. In the age of Nirvana, Superman just seemed too much like everyoneâs parents. Everyone agreed that something needed to be done to reboot to medium.
The solution? Kill Superman. What better way to show everyone that your genre has turned a new, edgy, iconoclastic corner than to kill the most invincible, iconic hero in the world? Originally the proposed publicity stunt was to have Superman marry Lois Lane, but (letâs assume) someone smart told everyone to âScrew that, screw that manâ and the Death of Superman wasâŠer born. The important caveat to this was that Supermanâs death wasnât just a callow stunt, it was also done really well, so well in fact that Superman creator Jerry Siegel said that he couldnât have done it better himself. The media blitz that surrounded Supermanâs death, combined with the quality comics at its core, reinvigorated DC comics and successfully converted millions of new readers.
If Salvator Daliâs Dada zombie had sex with an out-of-touch political agenda, the resulting bastard child would be PETAâs plethora of publicity stunts. No other organization short of maybe the Westboro Baptist Church has such a rap sheet of ill-conceived, generally confusing and repulsive publicity stunts. Also they all inexplicably seem to feature naked women.
Thereâs really nowhere to start when talking about PETAâs history in this area. From comparing the slaughter of animals to the Holocaust to wrapping people in meat packages, thereâs no end to their stunts that confuse all but those that share their highly specific viewpoint. In light of the fact that PETA stunts donât really need explanation to be funny, hereâs a long list of crazy that probably stands unrivaled: They tried to rename fish as âSea Kittensâ, as if people wouldnât eat kittens if they were as delicious as Chilean Sea Bass. They put naked girls in cages to protest animal caging. They put naked girls in sandwich boards to protest the treatment of chickens. They put naked girls in lettuce bikinis to hand out (presumably awful) veggie dogs. They handed out comic books to children of people wearing fur, letting them know that âMommy is a Murdererâ. So generally PETA is determined to combat abuse and objectification of animals throughâŠabuse and objectification of humans?
Stop avoiding your numbers–there’s nothing to be afraid of and everything to gain.
Like many things we know are good for us–exercise, getting a good night’s sleep, laying off the French fries–keeping careful track of your business’s finances is one of those must-do tasks to keep your business healthy. Nevertheless, a huge number of business owners neglect their numbers, and their businesses pay the price.
I tend to see two main types of financial blow-off:
Fully neglecting to track income and expenses by letting receipts pile up (or get lost) and failing to enter data into a bookkeeping system.
Doing a decent job of keeping income and expense records up to date, but failing to use the numbers to answer questions about the business’s financial situation.
While I’ve definitely known more than a few business owners guilty of the abject neglect described in item 1 (you know who you are), the second type of financial ignorance is practically an epidemic among owners of small to medium-size businesses. Over and over I hear owners admit sheepishly, “I don’t do enough with the numbers.” If you merely keep up with the basics, you might avoid true financial disaster. But you’ll definitely miss opportunities to thrive if you don’t use your data to make strategic decisions.
Getting Over the Hump
If you’ve had your head in the sand about your business’s finances, take heart: You are not alone (by a long shot). Tons–tons–of successful business owners loathe dealing with numbers. They regard financial management with fear, anxiety, insecurity or some combination of the above. Typically, they say they are simply too busy running the business to deal with tracking income and expenses or analyzing the numbers.
The good news is that affordable bookkeeping software automates most of the work, from tracking account balances to generating sophisticated financial reports, putting essential financial information at your fingertips. If you really hate working with numbers or truly don’t have the time to do so, have a competent employee or outside bookkeeper do the job.
However, as the owner of the business and the person responsible for guiding it, you do need to be in the know about your business’s finances. So if you hire someone to do most of the financial management tasks, make sure you’re in the loop and that you understand what the numbers mean. Don’t be shy about asking for guidance or mentoring from an accountant or bookkeeper. If you feel insecure about your level of financial knowledge, you’re in good company. Just make a sustained effort to learn as you go.
Financial Management in a Nutshell
The trick with bookkeeping is to establish a system early to help you stay organized. By “system” I mean a simple process for organizing your receipts and files, as well as having bookkeeping software set up and configured. With a system in place, you’ll definitely be able to handle most or all of your bookkeeping tasks, even if you’ve never done them before. I typically break financial management down into three broad steps.
3. Generating financial reports: Finally, with up-to-date information entered into your bookkeeping system, you’ll generate reports such as a profit/loss report or cash-flow projection (described below) to reveal how your business is doing.
Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Again, setting up a system will make a huge difference when it comes to entering and categorizing data in your bookkeeping software. With your data entered, you’ll be all set to do the important (and actually quite fun) part of financial management: generating reports showing you the financial health (or illness) of your business.
Often, business owners have such poor systems in place they barely manage to get their data entered accurately. It becomes a grueling task–hours spent searching for receipts and trying to decipher poorly documented expense reports–that they stop after the data entry stage and never get around to generating reports. Don’t let this happen to you. Generating reports is key to managing your business’s finances and making strategic decisions.
Financial reports summarize the data in your bookkeeping system to show you different aspects of your business’s financial situation. For example, a profit and loss report compares monthly income to monthly expenses to show whether your business is selling enough products or services to cover costs each month. A cash-flow projection shows similar information, but includes other sources of income such as capital contributions from owners or loans (that is, not just revenue from sales). It also organizes the information slightly differently to show you whether the timing of your income is adequate to pay your bills on time.
The Payoff
By generating reports, you’ll be able to see trends and patterns in your business’s finances and identify profitable opportunities to pursue. You’ll also avoid letting your business simply drift along–or worse, run it into the ground. Here are a just few ways that analyzing your financial reports will help your business:
You’ll be able to price goods and services more competitively, pace growth more effectively and trim costs strategically–for example, you might cut back on travel expenses or outsourced services that aren’t helping to generate sufficient income.
You may be able to reduce taxes by timing your purchases strategically and claiming all your deductible expenses–things that often escape businesses with disorganized records.
You’ll be able to manage your business’s cash flow, ensuring you can pay important bills on time. Cash-flow management is a critical element in every business. When it’s done poorly or not at all, you may find yourself short of cash when it’s time to pay taxes, payroll or other crucial expenses. This is exactly the type of scenario that forces businesses to close up shop for good.
Finally, if you’re itching to launch your venture and still worried that you have too much to learn in a short time, stop fretting. You don’t need to turn into a financial whiz overnight. In practice, I advise every small-business owner to consult at least once or twice during their startup days with an experienced bookkeeper or accountant (or possibly both) to help the business get started on the right foot. For those of you who feel like total novices when it comes to the money stuff, consulting a professional will help you get over the hump of your financial learning curve. There are also lots of useful organizations such as The Association of Women’s Business Centers and SCORE that can help get you up to speed.
