Fucking Putin….

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Written by totallyoffbeat

Did you know Chicago has a law that forbids eating in a place that’s on fire? Have you heard about the law in Mississippi that makes it illegal for a man to seduce a woman by lying to her and claiming he will marry her (damn! There goes my pickup line if I’m ever in Mississippi)? In New Jersey, it’s illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder (whether or not the murder is illegal, who knows?).

These are just some of the dumb laws still on the books in America. And those aren’t even the 10 dumbest.

1. Hey sister, wanna get hitched?

In Alabama, incestuous marriages are legal. Section 30-1-3 says: The issue of any incestuous marriage, before the same is annulled, shall not be deemed illegitimate.

2. Are those playing cards I see? You’re going to jail!

In Alabama, you also technically aren’t allowed to play cards and other games on Sunday. Section 13A-12-1 says: Any person who compels his child, apprentice or servant to perform any labor on Sunday, except the customary domestic duties of daily necessity or comfort, or works of charity or who engages in shooting, hunting, gaming, card playing or racing on that day, or who, being a merchant or shopkeeper, druggist excepted, keeps open store on Sunday, shall be fined not less than $10.00 nor more than $100.00, and may also be imprisoned in the county jail, or sentenced to hard labor for the county, for not more than three months.

3. Is that a slingshot in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Haines, Alaska has a law that prohibits citizens from carrying concealed slingshots without a license. The law says: It is unlawful for any person other than a law enforcement officer to carry concealed about his person, in any manner, a revolver, pistol or other firearm or knife (other than an ordinary pocketknife), or a dirk or dagger, slingshot, metal knuckles or an instrument by the use of which injury could be inflicted upon the person or property of another, except that any person in possession of a valid State of Alaska concealed weapon permit may carry a weapon as allowed by that permit.

4. But this is my home!

In Anchorage, Alaska, there’s a law that prevents people from residing inside a house trailer as its being moved through the streets. The law says “Riding in house trailers. No person may occupy a house trailer while it is being moved upon a public street.”

5. Give me a f$!@ing sandwich!

In Little Rock, Arkansas, it’s illegal to honk your car horn at a sandwich shop after 9 pm. Sec. 18-54 says, “Sounding of horns at sandwich shops. No person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 p.m.”

6. The rock was F’d up beyond all recognition.

Colorado has a law that says it’s illegal to “mutilate” rocks, trees, and flowers. The law says, “Except as otherwise provided in this article, it is unlawful for any person: To willfully mar, mutilate, deface, disfigure, or injure beyond normal use any rocks, trees, shrubbery, wild flowers, or other features of the natural environment in recreation areas of the state.”

7. The “no fun” law is in full effect.

Rocky Hill, Connecticut has a law that disallows arcades from having more than 4 amusement devices (pinball machines, shuffleboard tables, etc.). The law says, “Notwithstanding the provisions of Subsection A, no person shall have in any place within a permanent structure open to the general public more than four mechanical amusement devices.”

8. Seriously, Connecticut isn’t fun at all.

In Southington, Connecticut, the sale of silly string is banned. Why? Because about 15 years ago, a group of kids sprayed a police officer with silly string. Seriously.

9. Time to reinstall those doors.

There’s a law in Florida that says the doors of public buildings must open outwards. The exact text of the law is as follows: All buildings erected in this state for theatrical, operatic, or other public entertainments of whatsoever kind shall be so constructed that the shutters to all entrances to said building shall open outwardly and be so arranged as to readily allow any person inside said building to escape therefrom in case of fire or other accident.

10. Hand over the dildo right now!

Georgia still has laws that technically ban sex toys.

Are there any dumb laws in your city or state? Share your favorites by leaving a comment.

Bonus: Presidential Prank of the Day

via: The White House [Flickr]

Written by thetoiletpaper

Women come in all shapes and sizes. Just ask Oprah. Nowhere is this more true than a college campus. With that in mind, here is TTP’s breakdown of 12 of the girls you’ll meet in college. Gentlemen, choose wisely and choose often.

1. The Cheerleader – A hot blonde chick that only wants to score scholarship athletes. After coming up short with the big boys of basketball and football, she’ll eventually settle in as “equipment manager” for a niche sports team, like rugby.

2. The Phantom Boyfriend – A fun, good looking, easy-going gal who’s everything you’re looking for in a mate. Unfortunately, before things ever get cookin’ she sneaks in a comment about her boyfriend who’s at home, at another college, or in the military.

3. The Courtney Love – This mess of a broad is a stinky drunk not afraid to do anyone or anything. If you listen close you can almost hear her herpes beckoning you to her loins like the sirens from Greek mythology. Stick with the BJ.

4. The Friedan – You can’t take an English class without running into one of these broads. The Friedan loves Charlotte Bronte, may eschew makeup and form fitting clothes, hates this list, and probably despises The Toilet Paper as a whole.

5. The Chastity Belt – A girl who’s cute as a button, but never lets loose because she’s too busy with Bible Camp and church choir. More than likely a virgin, or at least a born again virgin. She’s worth keeping an eye on for her final semester, “Oh-crap-what-have-I-been-doing-for-three-and-a-half-years breakdown” where she’ll make up for lost time very quickly.

6. The Rhoda – Makes a living upstairs. Kiss her, give her hickeys on her neck, juggle her boobs, all good. Anything below the belt and she either smacks the shit out of you or suggests you “take a break.” Either way run like hell. This broad is either insane or packing a surprise you never want to discover.

7. The Cialis – You haven’t been teased like this since the bus ride home after your classmates caught you eating a booger. Whether she’s inviting herself over for a movie night, or getting Danny Devito drunk and making you walk her home, it always seems like you’re one exit away from pound town. Sorry guys, not happening.

8. The Lesbo Possessive Friend of the Chick You Hook Up With That Hates You – You’ll know this when you see it. May also be a Friedan.

9. The Book Worm – Hobbies include asking questions in class, registering for the GRE, and drinking Diet Cokes at the library. The Book Worm is a close cousin of the Chastity Belt, but for one weekend a semester, right after midterms and before she starts studying for fianls, the Worm leaves the library and lets loose.

10. The Guarantee – Usually good looking enough, but often overloaded with baggage. There’s at least one per dorm, if not one per floor. You try to stay away, but then 2 a.m. rolls around and you got squat. Enjoy, but be sure to wrap your rascal and under no circumstances fall in love with her, get in a fight over her, or let her get in the way of other potential scores.

11. The Non-Conformist – This gal is hip to the nines with a rugged edge. With a wacky hairdo, overstated make-up and tattooed arm sleeves she exudes hip. However, deep down inside she is nothing more than a little girl with a broken heart who was never kissed in high school. Now as she has blossomed she is looking to score and be a hellcat doing it. Don’t date her, but yes by all means take her camping for a weekend.

12. The World Cup – She only comes around once every four years, but one night with her is enough to change your life. There’s no preparing for a W.C., but if you pass her up, she won’t be around again.

Written by Melissa DeMeo & Paul Silverman

You never mean: Could care less

You always mean: Couldn’t care less

Why: You want to say you care so little already that you couldn’t possibly care any less. When the Boston Celtics’ Ray Allen said, “God could care less whether I can shoot a jump shot,” we know he meant exactly the opposite because 1) God has other things on his mind, and 2) God is a Knicks fan.

You might say: Mano a mano

You might mean: Man-to-man

Why: You don’t speak Spanish by adding vowels to the end of English words, as a columnist describing father–teenage son relationships seemed to think when he wrote, “Don’t expect long, mano a mano talks.” Mano a mano (literally, “hand to hand”) originated with bullfighting and usually refers to a knock-down, drag-out direct confrontation.

You might say: Less

You might mean: Fewer

Why: In general, use fewer when you’re specifying a number of countable things (“200 words or fewer”); reserve less for a mass (“less than half”). So when you’re composing a tweet, do it in 140
characters or fewer, not less.

You never mean: Hone in

You always mean: Home in

Why: Like homing pigeons, we can be single-minded about finding our way to a point: “Scientists are homing in on the causes of cancer.” Hone means “to sharpen”: “The rookie spent the last three seasons honing his skills in the minor leagues.” But it’s easy to mishear m’s and n’s, which is probably what happened to the Virginia senator who said, “We’ve got to hone in on cost containment.” If you’re unsure, say “zero in” instead.

You might say: Bring

You might mean: Take

Why: The choice depends on your point of view. Use bring when you want to show motion toward you (“Bring the dog treats over here, please”). Use take to show motion in the opposite direction (“I have to take Rufus to the vet”). The rule gets confusing when the movement has nothing to do with you. In those cases, you can use either verb, depending on the context: “The assistant brought the shot to the vet” (the vet’s point of view); “the assistant took the shot to the doctor” (the assistant’s).

You might say: Who

You might mean: Whom

Why: It all depends. Do you need a subject or an object? A subject (who) is the actor of the sentence: “Who left the roller skates on the sidewalk?” An object (whom) is the acted-upon: “Whom are you calling?” Parents, hit the Mute button when Dora the Explorer shouts, “Who do we ask for help when we don’t know which way to go?”

You almost never mean: Brother-in-laws, runner-ups, hole in ones, etc.

You almost always mean: Brothers-in-law, runners-up, holes in one, etc.

Why: Plurals of these compound nouns are formed by adding an s to the thing there’s more than one of (brothers, not laws). Some exceptions: words ending in ful (mouthfuls) and phrases like cul-de-sacs.

You almost never mean: Try and

You almost always mean: Try to

Why: Try and try again, yes, but if you’re planning to do something, use the infinitive form: “I’m going to try to run a marathon.” Commenting on an online story about breakups, one woman wrote, “A guy I dated used to try and impress me with the choice of books he was reading.” It’s no surprise that the relationship didn’t last.

You almost never mean: Different than

You almost always mean: Different from

Why: This isn’t the biggest offense, but if you can easily substitute from for than (My mother’s tomato sauce is different from my mother-in-law’s), do it. Use than for comparisons: My mother’s tomato sauce is better than my mother-in-law’s.

You almost never mean: Beg the question

You almost always mean: Raise the question

Why: Correctly used, “begging the question” is like making a circular argument (I don’t like you because you’re so unlikable). But unless you’re a philosophy professor, you shouldn’t ever need this phrase. Stick to “raise the question.”

You might say: More than

You can also say: Over

Why: The two are interchangeable when the sense is “Over 6,000 hats were sold.” We like grammarian Bryan Garner’s take on it: “The charge that over is inferior to more than is a baseless crotchet.”

You almost never mean: Supposably

You almost always mean: Supposedly

Why: Supposably is, in fact, a word—it means “conceivably”—but not the one you want if you’re trying to say “it’s assumed,” and certainly not the one you want if you’re on a first date with an English major or a job interview with an English speaker.

You might say: All of

You probably mean: All

Why: Drop the of whenever you can, as Julia Roberts recently did, correctly: “Every little moment is amazing if you let yourself access it. I learn that all the time from my kids.” But you need all of before a pronoun (“all of them”) and before a possessive noun (“all of Julia’s kids”).

You might say: That

You might mean: Which

Why: “The money that is on the table is for you” is different from “the money, which is on the table, is for you.” That pinpoints the subject: The money that is on the table is yours; the money in my pocket is mine. Which introduces an aside, a bit of extra information. If you remove “which is on the table,” you won’t change the meaning: The money is for you (oh, and unless you don’t want it, it’s on the table). If the clause is necessary to your meaning, use that; if it could safely be omitted, say which.

You never mean: Outside of

You always mean: Outside

Why: These two prepositions weren’t meant for each other. Perfectly acceptable: “Wearing a cheese-head hat outside Wisconsin will likely earn you some stares and glares (unless you’re surrounded by Green Bay Packers fans, that is).”

You might say: Each other

You might mean: One another

Why: Tradition says that each other should be used with two people or things, and one another with more than two, and careful speakers should follow suit: “The three presenters argued with one another over who should announce the award, but Ann and Barbara gave each other flowers after the ceremony.” (By the way, if you need the possessive form of either one when writing that business letter, it’s always each other’s and one another’s; never end with s’.)

8 Confusing Pairs

leery, wary: suspicious
weary: tired

farther: for physical distance
further: for metaphorical distance or time

principle: rule
principal: of your school

compliment: nice thing to say
complement: match

continual: ongoing but intermittent
continuous: without interruption

stationary: stands still
stationery: paper

imply: to suggest a meaning
infer: to draw meaning from something

affect: typically a verb, meaning “to act upon or cause an effect”; as a noun, it’s “an emotional response”
effect: typically a noun, meaning “something produced,” like a special effect; as a verb, “to bring about,” as in “to effect change” •

Unfortunately for you, you will never again be able to look at a duck in the same way again.

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From the real risks of smoking to managing stress, high blood pressure and diet, get the health facts that could help you live longer and happier.

For better or for worse, your doctor doesn’t always tell you everything, and what you are told isn’t always presented with complete objectivity. In most cases, this is done to prevent you from worrying too much, or to deter harmful activities you might be indulging in. In other cases it’s simply because they’re trying to solve your issue as efficiently as possible, without discussing other potential problem areas or making things overly complicated.

To help you get started with your list of things to discuss with your doctor, our friends at the Term Life Insurance Blog have come up with the following infographic, which hopefully may make the process a little easier, and make things more clear.

Click on the image for full-sized version

Via: Term Life Insurance Blog

Bonus: This is what happens when I tell people I’m colorblind

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Bonus: Could this be the dumbest forum post ever?

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Written by funnyordie

1.  Obama’s A Muslim

According to the Pew Research Center, 18% of Americans believe Obama is a Muslim. Most likely, the same people also hate Muslims. Put it together, and there’s a chance that one in five Americans hate our President because of his supposed religion.

2.  Moon Landing Was A Hoax

A huge number of Americans believe that the moon landing was staged. Aside from the sheer stupidity of that, it raises a bigger question: If it was faked, how would Buzz Aldrin be bedding lady space groupie after space groupie if he hadn’t actually been on the moon? He would not. Thus, real.

3.  Sun Revolves Around The Earth

I know Americans have a tendency to be a bit self-involved, but this is a bit much. According to a Gallup poll in 1999, 18% believed that the earth was the center of the universe. On a side note, 3% said “no opinion.” Those folks could not be bothered with such pedestrian quandaries.

Oh, and for those 18% who believe this, that picture is Galileo. That guy knew his shit.

4.  Ghosts Are The Real Deal

One in three Americans believe in Ghosts. All Americans believe in Ghost. Both have no business existing.

5.  Dinosaurs and Humans, BFFs

As of a couple years ago, nearly one-third of Texans believed that dinosaurs and humans roamed the earth at the same time. Yup. Oh, and at least one Alaskan, as well.

6.  Evolution? That’s A Bit Of A Stretch

A 2004 study showed that 51% of Americans believed in Creationism. Over half of the people in this country thought humans just showed up one day and were ready for homeschooling.

7.  Environmentalists Intentionally Caused The Oil Spill

So you know that oil spill that ruined the ocean, killed thousands of animals, and pretty much brought the country to a standstill? Environmentalists fault. It’s so obvious, I can’t believe only 10% believe this. To save what you love, you must sacrifice it. Those sick bastards.

8.  The Existence of Aliens

It’s an old study, but not much has changed since 1999 in regard our nation’s knowledge of Alien life forms. And that’s unfortunate, as 80% of Americans believe the country’s keeping something under wraps in Roswell. Actually puts the rest of the list in perspective, doesn’t it?

9.  Fox News Most Trusted Channel In News

Over half are convinced of this. Well, after that aliens stat, you can’t be that shocked.

Bonus:The most sadistic thing ever invented, but I haven’t over-snoozed in 2 weeks now