PETA
Because apparently, you should respect animals, not women.  (source)

Bonus: please take me home, please

Written by Michelle Crouch

We asked two dozen servers to reveal what goes on behind the kitchen doors.

1.What You’re Really Swallowing

In most restaurants, after 8 p.m. or so, all the coffee is decaf because no one wants to clean two different coffeepots. I’ll bring out a tray with 12 coffees on it and give some to the customers who ordered regular, others to the ones who ordered decaf. But they’re all decaf.

—Charity Ohlund

2.What You Don’t Want to Know

We put sugar in our kids’ meals so kids will like them more. Seriously. We even put extra sugar in the dough for the kids’ pizzas.

—Waitress at a well-known pizza chain

3.What We Lie About

If you’re a vegetarian and you ask if we use vegetable stock, I’m going to say yes, even if we don’t. You’ll never know the difference.

4.What You Don’t Want to Know

At a lot of restaurants, the special is whatever they need to sell before it goes bad. Especially watch out for the soup of the day. If it contains fish or if it’s some kind of “gumbo,” it’s probably the stuff they’re trying to get rid of.

—Kathy Kniss, who waited tables for ten years in Los Angeles

5.What You Don’t Want to Know

Now that I’ve worked in a restaurant, I never ask for lemon in a drink. Everybody touches them. Nobody washes them. We just peel the stickers off, cut them up, and throw them in your iced tea.

—Charity Ohlund, Kansas City waitress

6.What You Don’t Want to Know

If you ask me how many calories are in a particular dish, I’m not allowed to tell you even if I know. I’m supposed to say, “All that information is available online.”

—Waitress at a well-known pizza chain

7.What You Don’t Want to Know

I’ve never seen anybody do anything to your food, but I have seen servers mess with your credit card. If a server doesn’t like you, he might try to embarrass you in front of your business associate or date by bringing your credit card back and saying, “Do you have another card? This one didn’t go through.”

—Charity Ohlund

8.What You’re Really Swallowing

Skim milk is almost never skim milk. Very few restaurants outside Starbucks carry whole milk, 2 percent milk, skim milk, and half-and-half; it’s just not practical.

—Chris

9.What You’re Really Swallowing

Some places buy salad dressings in one-gallon jars, then add a few ingredients, like a blue cheese crumble or fresh herbs, and call it homemade on the menu.

—Former waiter Jake Blanton, who spent ten years in restaurants in Virginia, North Carolina, and California

10.What Drives Us Crazy

The single greatest way to get your waiter to hate you? Ask for hot tea. For some reason, an industry that’s managed to streamline everything else hasn’t been able to streamline that. You’ve got to get a pot, boil the water, get the lemons, get the honey, bring a cup and spoon. It’s a lot of work for little reward.

—Christopher Fehlinger, maître d’ at a popular New York City restaurant

11.What We Want You to Know

In many restaurants, the tips are pooled, so if you have a bad experience with the server, you’re stiffing the bartender who made your drinks, the water boy who poured your water, sometimes the hostess, the food runners, and maybe the other waiters.

—Christopher Fehlinger

12.What We Want You to Know

Even at the best breakfast buffet in the world, 99 times out of 100, the big pan of scrambled eggs is made from a powder.

—Jake Blanton

13.What We Want You to Know

People think that just because your food took a long time, it’s the server’s fault. Nine times out of ten, it’s the kitchen. Or it’s the fact that you ordered a well-done burger.

—Judi Santana

14.What We Want You to Know

When you’re with the woman who’s not your wife, you’re a lot nicer to us, probably because you know that we know it’s not your wife.

—Caroline Radaj, waitress at a members-only club outside Milwaukee

15.How to Be a Good Customer

It’s much easier to be recognized as a regular on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays. Once you’re recognized as a regular, good things start to happen. You’ll find your wineglass gets filled without being put on your bill, or the chef might bring you a sample.

—Christopher Fehlinger

16.How to Be a Good Customer

Avoid Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day like the black plague. It’s crazy busy, so they’re not going to be able to pay as much attention to quality. Plus, they bring out a special menu where everything is overpriced.

—Steve Dublanica

17.How to Be a Good Customer

If the restaurant is busy and your child is shy, please order for him. Kids can sit there forever trying to decide, or they whisper and you can’t hear them. Meanwhile, the people at the next table are yelling at you to come over.

—Derek Dudley, a waiter at a casual pizza restaurant in Phoenix

18.What You Need to Know About Tipping

The best tippers tend to be middle-class or people who have worked for everything they have, not the really wealthy or the kid who inherited the trust fund. Which is not to say that we mind if you use coupons. But when you do, tip on the amount the bill would have been without them.

—Judi Santana

19.What You Need to Know About Tipping

First dates, especially blind Internet dates, are great for tips. You know he’ll probably order a bottle of wine and leave a 20 to 25 percent tip because he’s showing off.

—Jeremy Burton, waiter at a grill in southwest Michigan

20.What Else We’d Like You to Know

Don’t order fish on Sunday or Monday. The fish deliveries are usually twice a week, so Tuesday through Friday are great days. Or ask the restaurant when they get theirs.

—Steve Dublanica

Check out the Wendy’s review at Google. Shit be real.     (source)

Where did this summer go? Seriously. Even as we near the dog days of August, some of us still look pasty white — on purpose. Yeah, we know a tan’s a great accessory to a sundress, but cancer? We’re not really into that. That’s why we’re serious about how we protect ourselves. (Besides, we don’t want to have to reevaluate our term life insurance policy or start having regular checkups to get that weird mole checked out; we’re busy enough as it is.) So check out these tips, spread on the sunblock, and enjoy that margarita guilt-free.

Via: Term Life Insurance

Written by Sam Wow

Ah…poor little turtle. He’s so ambitious…and he just barely makes a break for it. Maybe next time my slow and steady mate…maybe next time.

Facebook arguments are just a daily routine, but ending an argument with a perfect punch is awesome. And it’s even more awesome when you finish it off with proper punctuations and grammar.

via Lamebook

source

Collected by midwestsportsfans

The great Louis CK.

Louis isn’t exactly new on the comedy scene; he’s been around for a while. I just always seem to be late to the ballgame when it comes to appreciating really good comedians. (Hell, I’m still working through George Carlin’s archives right now…probably a future top 10 post.)

I first caught Louis’ raw, unpretentious comedic genius when someone sent me a link to the first video below, which is Louis’ riff from an appearance on Conan regarding technology and how little people appreciate what we have. Then when I saw that Louis had a new show on FX (Tuesday nights, 10:00 PM CT), which just premiered about a month ago, I decided I had to tune in.

I’ve really enjoyed the show. It doesn’t feel like it has hit it’s stride yet – and it is only four episodes in – but the stand-up interludes would make the show worth watching even if the scripted parts sucked (which they don’t).

And that brilliant stand-up is what I’ve highlighted below, with my 10 favorite Louis CK stand-up bits, plus links to a few others that didn’t make the cut.

You may have your own personal favorites that didn’t make the list – and if so, please provide links in the comment section – but these are the ones that make me literally laugh out loud every time I see them.

Enjoy.

Everything’s Amazing and Nobody’s Happy

I’ve embedded this on MSF before, and you’ve probably seen it. But it’s worth watching again.

Louis CK on Being White [NSFW]

I’m fairly certain that both the white boys and the brothers among us will enjoy this one. Louis’ brilliance at its best.

Louis CK on Turning 40 [NSFW]

Damn…I’ve got 11 years left until this is my reality.

Louis CK on Getting Fat [NSFW]

And speaking of things I’ll soon be able to unfortunately relate to…

Louis CK on Single People [NSFW]

“If you’re single, your life has no consequence on the Earth, even if you’re helping people aggressively…which you’re not. You can die and it actually doesn’t matter.”

Louis CK on Married Men [NSFW]

Now that we’ve heard Louis’ views on single people, how about what it’s like to be a married man. I’m not married, but can I anticipate agreeing wholeheartedly.

Louis CK on Fun with a Girl [NSFW]

Louis CK on Being Broke [NSFW]

If you’re a blogger, or a drunk and/or high college student (and really, who else reads MSF?), you’ll be able to appreciate this one. The audio is not good on this one, but it’s worth it.

Louis CK on Kids Names and Their Questions [NSFW]

Louis opens with a riff at the beginning about names, ending with his ultimate name for a kid: “LadiesandGentlemen.” He also talks about the parenting, including the idiocy of playing Hide and Seek with his kids, who run the house and compel Louis and his wife to do all kinds of ridiculous things. This video ends with a discussion of the impossibility of answering kids’ questions. Why? Why? Why?

And we’ll end it with this one…

Louis CK on The Difference Between Girls and Women [NSFW]

The way this one opens sums it up: “When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men.”

If you still want more, here are a few others that didn’t quite make the cut:

• Suck a bag of dicks
• Not understanding anger towards gay people
• Poor peoples’ fantasies about being rich
• Children and their secrets
• On his kids
• On Wal-Mart
• Not turning on the dishwasher