{"id":1278,"date":"2009-11-25T22:21:50","date_gmt":"2009-11-26T05:21:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bspcn.com\/?p=1278"},"modified":"2012-09-07T05:45:21","modified_gmt":"2012-09-07T10:45:21","slug":"top-20-unfortunate-lessons-girls-learn-from-twilight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/2009\/11\/25\/top-20-unfortunate-lessons-girls-learn-from-twilight\/","title":{"rendered":"Top 20 Unfortunate Lessons Girls Learn From ‘Twilight’"},"content":{"rendered":"

\n Written by John Scott Lewinski<\/a><\/p>\n

\n<\/object>\n<\/p>\n

From a male point of view, the only redeeming feature of the Twilight books and movies is the ammunition they provide against female claims of innate moral superiority over men.<\/p>\n

Whenever a woman criticizes a man\u2019s lust, aggression, shallowness or any other lesser angel of his personality, the quick-witted fellow can point to the millions of women addicted to the base, insipid, bad-boy-worshiping, misogynist syrup so many female viewers of all ages knelt to this past weekend, when The Twilight Saga: New Moon raked in $147 million at the box office, setting several records.<\/p>\n

(A side benefit: The Twilight films provide good grist for RiffTrax\u2019s movie-mocking mill \u2014 see video embedded above.)<\/p>\n

In the spirit of speaking truth to diamond-skinned power, enjoy this list of unfortunate lessons girls learn from Twilight.<\/em> (The list operates under the principle that any grownup female who embraces Twilight\u2019s junior-high dreck temporarily sacrifices her \u201cwoman card.\u201d)<\/p>\n

And so, with an insincere \u201clove is forever,\u201d we begin.<\/p>\n

    \n \"twilight_new_moon_poster_05\"<\/p>\n
  1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores you or is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in love with you \u2014 and you are the point of his existence.<\/li>\n
  2. Secrets are good \u2014 especially life-threatening ones.<\/li>\n
  3. It\u2019s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful \u2014 as long as he has great abs<\/a>.<\/li>\n
  4. If a boy tells you to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the love of your life. You should stay with him since he will keep you safe forever.<\/li>\n
  5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling you he will never see you again), it is because he loves you so much he will suffer just to keep you safe.<\/li>\n
  6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your friends and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences \u2014 as long as you keep your grades up.<\/li>\n
  7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It\u2019s even more romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.<\/li>\n
  8. Boys who leave you always come back.<\/li>\n
  9. Because they come back, you should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.<\/li>\n
  10. Even though you have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, you should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he\u2019ll even buy you something.<\/li>\n
  11. You should use said male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical or technical.<\/li>\n
  12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while you run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what you must<\/em> do.<\/li>\n
  13. Car theft in the service of love is acceptable.<\/li>\n
  14. If the boy you are in love with causes you (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten you end up in the hospital, you should tell the doctors and your family that you \u201cfell down the steps\u201d because you are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.<\/li>\n
  15. Men can be changed for the better if you sacrifice everything you are and devote yourself to their need for change.<\/li>\n
  16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills or emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.<\/li>\n
  17. Girls shouldn\u2019t always read a book series just because everyone else has.<\/li>\n
  18. When writing a book series, it\u2019s acceptable to lift seminal source material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.<\/li>\n
  19. When making or watching a major feature film, you should gleefully embrace the 20 minutes of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.<\/li>\n
  20. Vampires \u2014 once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures \u2014 are no longer scary. In fact, they\u2019re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Since the writer of this piece is clearly not female, the list came together only after discussing<\/em> Twilight at length with women who enjoyed and detested the book and the first two movies. Olivia Dunkley<\/a>, Vanessa Fewings<\/a>, Rosie Lewinski and Beth Ann Lewinski contributed to the article.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Written by John Scott Lewinski From a male point of view, the only redeeming feature of the Twilight books and movies is the ammunition they provide against female claims of innate moral superiority over men. Whenever a woman criticizes a man\u2019s lust, aggression, shallowness or any other lesser angel of his personality, the quick-witted fellow […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1278"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1278"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1278\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5473,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1278\/revisions\/5473"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1278"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1278"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1278"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}