{"id":387,"date":"2008-05-15T18:33:56","date_gmt":"2008-05-16T01:33:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bspcn.com\/2008\/05\/15\/10-items-you-think-make-you-cool-but-don%e2%80%99t\/"},"modified":"2008-05-31T18:58:40","modified_gmt":"2008-06-01T01:58:40","slug":"10-items-you-think-make-you-cool-but-don%e2%80%99t","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/2008\/05\/15\/10-items-you-think-make-you-cool-but-don%e2%80%99t\/","title":{"rendered":"10 Items You Think Make You Cool, But Don\u2019t"},"content":{"rendered":"

Written by Holy Taco<\/a><\/p>\n

Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. We\u2019re not saying we\u2019re cool, we\u2019re just saying if you own any of these items, you\u2019re not.<\/p>\n

10. iPhone<\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"iphone.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: You can access e-mails, high speed internet, and watch videos, all on your phone. Because really, normal people around you are so f*&king boring you can hardly bear actually interacting with them.<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: I\u2019ve done some research and iPhone is actually a Japanese word that means \u201csomething that\u2019s not able to be put in a pocket and instead must be carried in your hand at all times or set on the table in front of you so that any one around you can see it.\u201d This may sound shocking, but when someone remarks how hot it is, they\u2019re not asking you to look up the temperature in both farenheit and celcius, or show them a clip on a 3 inch screen from \u201cAn Inconvenient Truth\u201d in an effort to relate this heat to global warming.<\/p>\n

9.Ironic Belt Buckles<\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"ironicbeltbuckle.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: Now you can show up in bars and point at your belt buckle and tell people that you are a \u201cRodeo Champion\u201d or a \u201cPac Man\u201d or a \u201cTruck Driver\u201d or a \u201cJack Daniels.\u201d And while they will know that you are actually none of these things, you think you\u2019re being playful and a little bit mysterious. You also think this tactic will help you pick up women.<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: You\u2019re the same person who has ironic facial hair (mustache), drinks ironic beer (PBR) and wears ironic T-shirts (Lucky Charms). You spend your entire life trying to look as shitty and poor as possible while, chances are, you have rich parents or a job for an accounting firm that pays you over $60,000. In four years you will be a Republican living in the suburbs and complaining about your 401k over wine spritzers at dinner parties.<\/p>\n

8. Blue Tooth Headset<\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"bluetooth-headset.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: All the other losers have to use their hands when they talk on the phone. Not you! You can talk on your phone and at the same time safely give some loser the finger because they\u2019re only driving the speed limit. It\u2019s Tuesday, doesn\u2019t this asshole know you have your jujitsu class at 24 hour fitness to go to?<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: I don\u2019t give a shit if you\u2019re talking to someone on the other end, when you\u2019re in a Subway Sandwiches and they\u2019re trying to take your order while you say \u201cListen, you give me that paperwork for the Johnson account by tomorrow or it\u2019s your ass. No mayo. I said no Mayo! Yeah, that\u2019s right, Johnson account on my desk! No pepperoncinis!\u201d it\u2019s pretty god damn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing blue tooth wireless headsets are military field generals and the people that work the day after thanksgiving sale at Old Navy.<\/p>\n

7. Quoting Austin Powers\/Borat\/Old School<\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"austinpowers.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: Put on your earmuffs because that woman has a vageen that hangs like sleeve of wizard. Yeah, baby! Those movies are HILARIOUS, thus if you can quote them, by default you\u2019re hilarious too!<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: We all enjoy quoting our favorite movies, but let\u2019s put these three to bed. Not only did I have every last bit of dialogue to the Borat movie screamed in my face three months before it came out, but let\u2019s face it, Austin Powers wasn\u2019t funny 10 years ago. And I still have to hear people telling me that \u201ccircus folk smell vaguely of cabbage.\u201d On top of it, everyone murders the accents. Whenever I hear some asshole in a bar trying doing his version of Borat, somehow he sounds like a tongueless Canadian with a sock in his mouth. This has to stop or I am going to skip the earmuffs and go directly to cutting my ears off.<\/p>\n

6. PT Cruiser<\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"ptcruiser.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: It\u2019s like a car from back in the thirties! It\u2019s sleek design and throw back look allows everyone tailgating in the parking lot at the Dave Matthews concert know that you\u2019re a free spirit who is all about having good times!<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: If you\u2019ve ever wondered what a gay transformer would turn in to, wonder no more. Not only do they call a retarded amount of attention to themselves on the road, when you drive them you look like a soccer mom whose transporting alcohol during the prohibition era.<\/p>\n

5. Tricked Out Bicycles<\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"trickedoutbike.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: I honestly have no idea.<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: Instead of looking like some hipper, younger version of a real biker (who actually is cool), you just look like some 8th-grader who blew his allowance on sparklers for his tricycle. With its weirdly-bent handlebars and wacky forks, your \u201ccruiser\u201d looks like the elephant man of bikes. Plus, these things are clearly uncomfortable to ride. I love watching some tattooed douchebag try to look laid back and cool after he had to dislocate both of his shoulders just to reach the handlebars. Not to mention, you could\u2019ve gotten a friggin\u2019 car for what you paid for this piece of crap. Dumbass.<\/p>\n

4. Fidel Castro Hats<\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"castrohat.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: Wearing a Fidel Castro hat let\u2019s the world know that you\u2019re different and that you have thoughts and ideas that make you significantly more special and free thinking than those who wear traditional baseball hats.<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: You know why the Communist Cuba Military can get away with wearing them? Because they carry automatic weapons. You most likely carry a compilation book of Charles Bukowski poems. The tiny bill and camoflauged coloring make you look like a retarded son of a army ranger who had a pair of scissors and access to his father\u2019s closet. I realize you want to tell the world you\u2019re a non-comformist, but unfortunately being a non-conformist means you\u2019re conforming to non-conformism. You might want to ponder that at that next record release party for a band no one\u2019s heard of that you\u2019re pretending to like.<\/p>\n

3. Guitar Hero<\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"guitarhero.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the Jungle, baby! You\u2019re gonna diiiiiiiiiiiee!<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you\u2019re playing this video game. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn\u2019t even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on\/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now. If I have to hear someone say \u201cI can totally play \u2018Anarchy in the UK\u2019\u201d but actually mean \u201cI can totally play \u2018Anarchy in the UK\u2019 on Guitar Hero,\u201d I am going to take a pee inside the nearest PS3.<\/p>\n

2. Longboard Skateboards<\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"longboard_skateboard_400x.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: You\u2019re just a laid back dude who likes to cruise the streets and board walks but still has the credibility shared by those who ride smaller, more dangerous boards.<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: You\u2019re basically one step away from being the little kid at Costco who jumps on the big grocery cart when his mother isn\u2019t looking. Whereas if a normal skateboarder falls he injures himself, you\u2019re traveling at speeds that allow those walking to pass you, and if you fall, you\u2019ll most likely fall on the board and continue traveling. Hence, you\u2019re basically riding a skateboard designed for those without any coordination or athletic ability. It\u2019d be like playing baseball, except replacing the ball with a giant stuffed animal.<\/p>\n

1. Funny Ringtones <\/STRONG><\/p>\n

\"ringtones.jpg\"<\/A><\/p>\n

WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL<\/STRONG>: A ring tone is a great way to give strangers and coworkers a little peek into your personal life and let them know that your grasp of pop culture is vast. You\u2019re pretty sure that having a silly quote from Monty Python or the Transformers theme song as your ringtone will make those around you realize that you are a the guy everyone else wants to be. There is definitely more to you than meets the eye.<\/p>\n

WHY YOU\u2019RE NOT COOL<\/STRONG>: Having your phone play Right Said Fred\u2019s \u201cI\u2019m Too Sexy\u201d just makes you look (and sound) like an asshole. And the fact that you let it \u201cring\u201d 15 times while you stand there and look around for reactions to your hilarious little joke not only reeks of desperation, but it makes everyone around you want to cram that phone up your taint. Put it on vibrate like every other normal person and keep your witticisms between you and your collection of Star Wars figurines.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Written by Holy Taco Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. We\u2019re not saying we\u2019re cool, we\u2019re just saying if you own any of these items, you\u2019re not. 10. iPhone WHY YOU THINK YOU\u2019RE COOL: You can access e-mails, high speed internet, and watch videos, all on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/387"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=387"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/387\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=387"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=387"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=387"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}